It's really strange to be writing this.
So, I just finished doing a ritual. I realized a couple of weeks ago that, very gradually, I have become a lot more confident in myself over the last year. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that I have also become rather significantly less manic over the last year. I'm still prone to temper fits and mercurial mood swings, but much less depressed (and less likely to slide all the way down into a really deep funk). Plus, I've started to realize that I am pretty damn smart, all things considered. I mean, hell, I graduated Northwestern with a 3.4. That's a pretty solid number, and it could have been higher if I'd wanted to try.
I can actually see where this change started to take place; I flipped back into my LJ archives and found a couple of conversations I had with celeloriel early last August. I had a moment of realization that I am not, in fact, the lowest human being on the planet - I was still a ways from believing it, but I had realized it intellectually. And I think that over the last year I have slowly, unnoticed, absorbed this concept into my brain in such a way that I do believe it now.
So, I did a ritual today to seal in that belief and banish my remaining self-doubt and poor self-esteem. Full moon is just past, so a good time to banish bad habits and doubts. I had my usual altar kit, plus carnelian (for confidence, and to counteract doubt and negative thoughts), tiger's eye (to build confidence), amethyst (for emotional healing), and rose quartz (general nice happy feelings.) I also had a blue candle (healing/emotions/spiritual side) and a black candle (banish negativity.) I used rosemary oil (healing) to anoint the candles, and lit them. Then I empowered the gems and sat down to meditate for a while. My original plan was to meditate on drawing confidence toward me and banishing all the nasty little negative ickness that clings to my brain.
This isn't so much what ended up happening. I was holding the gemstones and just kind of letting my brain drift around preparatory to starting my meditation, and I found myself going through a mental catalogue of my own traits, abilities, and shortcomings. I think this may be the first time in a long time I've taken a good look at myself and been able to acknowledge both good and bad as things that belong to me.
I am very intelligent. I'm deeply loyal, and I care a lot about my friends. I like taking care of people; I try to make people feel better or be happier when I can. I can be witty and funny when I'm "on" (and unintentionally so at other times...). I'm organized in my way. I'm a damn good cook. I'm a fairly decent writer. And damn it, I am pretty. I have awesome eyes and a great smile. I have hella long legs, and a decent pair of boobs. My butt isn't all that bad either. And my hair looks awesome in full sunlight. Granted, I could stand to drop another 20 pounds (yay! lost 10 pounds in the last week or so), but that's okay. I'm still pretty good looking. (I never thought I would say that in any way save sarcastic. Go me!) I'm competent and a quick learner. I'm good with my hands and I'm pretty good at web design insofar as my current knowledge allows me to be.
On the negative side, I'm impatient. I'm short-tempered. I'm prone to mood swings, as previously mentioned. Also as previously mentioned, I could stand to lose a bit more weight and get in shape. My version of organization consists of what most people would consider a mess. I'm prone to starting projects with a great deal of enthusiasm and then letting them wane. I am selfish, spoilt, and occasionally insensitive to the feelings of others.
All things considered, though, I'd call myself a reasonably good person.
*deep breath* Today is a good day.
On a less spiritual/deep (but more amusing) note....
I spilled hot wax on my hand while doing my ritual this afternoon. I have come to the conclusion, therefore, that the whole hot-candle-wax in sex thing is not my style. This random tidbit is brought to you by TMI.
I'm going to go chat with Josh, have a diet Snapple, and hang out downstairs with my wonderful newly-wireless laptop. Oh, and new pictures shall be forthcoming soon; sabrielrose has offered to help me get a decent picture of myself. Yay!
I can actually see where this change started to take place; I flipped back into my LJ archives and found a couple of conversations I had with celeloriel early last August. I had a moment of realization that I am not, in fact, the lowest human being on the planet - I was still a ways from believing it, but I had realized it intellectually. And I think that over the last year I have slowly, unnoticed, absorbed this concept into my brain in such a way that I do believe it now.
So, I did a ritual today to seal in that belief and banish my remaining self-doubt and poor self-esteem. Full moon is just past, so a good time to banish bad habits and doubts. I had my usual altar kit, plus carnelian (for confidence, and to counteract doubt and negative thoughts), tiger's eye (to build confidence), amethyst (for emotional healing), and rose quartz (general nice happy feelings.) I also had a blue candle (healing/emotions/spiritual side) and a black candle (banish negativity.) I used rosemary oil (healing) to anoint the candles, and lit them. Then I empowered the gems and sat down to meditate for a while. My original plan was to meditate on drawing confidence toward me and banishing all the nasty little negative ickness that clings to my brain.
This isn't so much what ended up happening. I was holding the gemstones and just kind of letting my brain drift around preparatory to starting my meditation, and I found myself going through a mental catalogue of my own traits, abilities, and shortcomings. I think this may be the first time in a long time I've taken a good look at myself and been able to acknowledge both good and bad as things that belong to me.
I am very intelligent. I'm deeply loyal, and I care a lot about my friends. I like taking care of people; I try to make people feel better or be happier when I can. I can be witty and funny when I'm "on" (and unintentionally so at other times...). I'm organized in my way. I'm a damn good cook. I'm a fairly decent writer. And damn it, I am pretty. I have awesome eyes and a great smile. I have hella long legs, and a decent pair of boobs. My butt isn't all that bad either. And my hair looks awesome in full sunlight. Granted, I could stand to drop another 20 pounds (yay! lost 10 pounds in the last week or so), but that's okay. I'm still pretty good looking. (I never thought I would say that in any way save sarcastic. Go me!) I'm competent and a quick learner. I'm good with my hands and I'm pretty good at web design insofar as my current knowledge allows me to be.
On the negative side, I'm impatient. I'm short-tempered. I'm prone to mood swings, as previously mentioned. Also as previously mentioned, I could stand to lose a bit more weight and get in shape. My version of organization consists of what most people would consider a mess. I'm prone to starting projects with a great deal of enthusiasm and then letting them wane. I am selfish, spoilt, and occasionally insensitive to the feelings of others.
All things considered, though, I'd call myself a reasonably good person.
*deep breath* Today is a good day.
On a less spiritual/deep (but more amusing) note....
I spilled hot wax on my hand while doing my ritual this afternoon. I have come to the conclusion, therefore, that the whole hot-candle-wax in sex thing is not my style. This random tidbit is brought to you by TMI.
I'm going to go chat with Josh, have a diet Snapple, and hang out downstairs with my wonderful newly-wireless laptop. Oh, and new pictures shall be forthcoming soon; sabrielrose has offered to help me get a decent picture of myself. Yay!