Too many disappointments in one day
I am in a terrible state tonight. I was crying so hard my neighbor could hear me upstairs. Not good.
I had a voice lesson tonight with a woman who works at either UCSF(or USF - I always get them mixed up) as a speech pathologist and teaches singing. Her news was completely depressing. She says I shouldn't be singing yet, that I'm pushing myself too quickly, and I need to build up my voice again before performing. I've gone from 0 to 60 in no time flat. That depresses me deeply - makes me realize that I have been in a good amount of denial still, and just wanted to leap in and try, like this wasn't happening. It also makes me furious with myself. How stupid and unaware can I be?
She also said that Kaiser has not been giving me the best care - at UCSF, there would be a lot more treatment - they wouldn't have sent me out saying Good Luck to you with my cords in this shape. It's not a health priority to Kaiser. It makes me want to start sobbing again. She said some interesting things - the real problem with asthma is exhaling, not inhaling, and that people with adult onset asthma often hoard their breath. Yup, I do that. I have to breathe more frequently when speaking. I have to now be conscious of everything I do whenever I speak. Oy.
She also said that I need to be realistic about the fact that I have limitations now, and I have to learn where they are. I don't have to be hard on myself, like I've done something wrong - eaten the wrong foods, spoken incorrectly, etc. The asthma has changed how my body works and given me limits, and I should be kind to myself around that. This also makes me want to bawl my eyes out. What a concept. But it also breaks through the denial some more. If it's my fault, I can possibly fix it. But if it's a real illness/limitation, it's more real.
She did say that with time and work, I can sing again. I have good vocal memory and skills to bring up. My long training is worthwhile and easy to fall back upon. That's heartening.
But I was so excited about some of these projects I'm involved with. Now I'm not sure what to do. She said if you really want to do something, if it will make you feel good, that's valuable, and it may be worth it to do a little. But I have to be realistic about when I'm close to my limits. And interestingly, choral work is harder on the voice than solo work. You become less conscious, and more focused on being like everyone else.
I was feeling like I was being a bit more like the old Robin this month - a lot of activities, and I was composing a post in my head about this. I'm less interested in pushing myself that far. I get tired, and then want to rest, rather than pushing through till I drop. But I've been excited to be creatively stimulated. Now I'm feeling so sad and disappointed. Depressed. A bit like it's all pointless.
Plus I'm freaked out by how I can afford to get the care she recommends, since Kaiser won't cover it.
I guess I'll go to bed. I am going to try to stop crying for a while.
Addendum: I am frustrated with myself too because on some level, I knew this. I'm hoarse all the time. In the last 3 years, at most I've gone a week without being hoarse. That's not right. It's why I made the appt with her. But I just wanted to be hopeful.
PS I'm changing the entry and making the stuff about work private and the rest public.
I had a voice lesson tonight with a woman who works at either UCSF(or USF - I always get them mixed up) as a speech pathologist and teaches singing. Her news was completely depressing. She says I shouldn't be singing yet, that I'm pushing myself too quickly, and I need to build up my voice again before performing. I've gone from 0 to 60 in no time flat. That depresses me deeply - makes me realize that I have been in a good amount of denial still, and just wanted to leap in and try, like this wasn't happening. It also makes me furious with myself. How stupid and unaware can I be?
She also said that Kaiser has not been giving me the best care - at UCSF, there would be a lot more treatment - they wouldn't have sent me out saying Good Luck to you with my cords in this shape. It's not a health priority to Kaiser. It makes me want to start sobbing again. She said some interesting things - the real problem with asthma is exhaling, not inhaling, and that people with adult onset asthma often hoard their breath. Yup, I do that. I have to breathe more frequently when speaking. I have to now be conscious of everything I do whenever I speak. Oy.
She also said that I need to be realistic about the fact that I have limitations now, and I have to learn where they are. I don't have to be hard on myself, like I've done something wrong - eaten the wrong foods, spoken incorrectly, etc. The asthma has changed how my body works and given me limits, and I should be kind to myself around that. This also makes me want to bawl my eyes out. What a concept. But it also breaks through the denial some more. If it's my fault, I can possibly fix it. But if it's a real illness/limitation, it's more real.
She did say that with time and work, I can sing again. I have good vocal memory and skills to bring up. My long training is worthwhile and easy to fall back upon. That's heartening.
But I was so excited about some of these projects I'm involved with. Now I'm not sure what to do. She said if you really want to do something, if it will make you feel good, that's valuable, and it may be worth it to do a little. But I have to be realistic about when I'm close to my limits. And interestingly, choral work is harder on the voice than solo work. You become less conscious, and more focused on being like everyone else.
I was feeling like I was being a bit more like the old Robin this month - a lot of activities, and I was composing a post in my head about this. I'm less interested in pushing myself that far. I get tired, and then want to rest, rather than pushing through till I drop. But I've been excited to be creatively stimulated. Now I'm feeling so sad and disappointed. Depressed. A bit like it's all pointless.
Plus I'm freaked out by how I can afford to get the care she recommends, since Kaiser won't cover it.
I guess I'll go to bed. I am going to try to stop crying for a while.
Addendum: I am frustrated with myself too because on some level, I knew this. I'm hoarse all the time. In the last 3 years, at most I've gone a week without being hoarse. That's not right. It's why I made the appt with her. But I just wanted to be hopeful.
PS I'm changing the entry and making the stuff about work private and the rest public.