Dickens Fair Workshops Day 2 - The Stressed Day
I came to Dickens today with the goal of reaching my workshop quota (you have to attend 3 to get your Fair pass). I went to Robert Young's Deportment workshop - interesting to learn some of the manners of Victorian times. I had many thoughts about how much of how many of the manners I was brought up with were based on these, and I spent much of my youth rebelling against them and forming my own values. How disjunct to be re-learning them now. Then Victorian speech where the beautiful young man I'd been hypnotized by 3 years ago sat at the side completely ignoring the workshop reading, and I tried very hard to keep my eyes off him. Beauty is dangerous!! Back!!
The good thing that happened this day was that I ran into the woman representing the Green Man (I word this carefully, as the woman in charge had sadly had a heart attack this week), and she said they'd be happy to have me join them. Hoorah, I have a place.
Then Lunch break. I didn't see DJ and Buffalo, so I sat by myself in a hallway and ate. I was glad to have some grounded time, but it did feel lonely. I find joining Dickens Very hard as a newcomer. It's very much an in-crowd sort of group, and if you are new, it's hard to make acquaintances, cause people are mostly hooking up with people they know already. I was considering suggesting some ideas for newcomers, like having a newcomer mentor to answer questions, and someone who headed up a lunchtime group for newcomers to answer questions and give people a chance to meet others. Dickens seems to be so dependent on social structures based on who you know. But if they truly want newcomers, it would be good to have more structures to support them.
I found my buttons really pushed this lunch. I was doing this to have fun, and was instead feeling immensely pressured to do things right, while not really feeling like i had all the information or support I needed. I realized after the fact that many resources can be found on the internet, but I tend to prefer to learn things verbally, so I want to hear things. But the people in charge don't have time to explain everything verbally.
The primary button being pushed was the MART button. I vowed to myself after directing my last play in MART that I would never get involved with a theater company again where I had to do so much. I would only work when there were enough support and resources in place. Directing Kissing the Witch, I had to direct, design and create the set, design and create the sound, find the props, and find all my crews. I looked around and saw all the organizers looking very stressed and put upon and stretched to the limits. I could certainly empathize with this. And the conundrum, is the people I actually know in this community are the organizers. But not well enough to sit down and have lunch with them, and I doubt they were even able to stop long enough to sit down.
And what makes the hard work and stress of theater worth it is the social interaction. What I got out of MART was community and connections with people. But I'm not getting that benefit here at all, so far. It just feels like work so far. Maybe I need to be patient. But today was hard.
The real bottom line at Dickens though, is having costume approval. You must have your costume approved to get a pass. And here's the really big button. I am terrified of sewing. As I was discussing with a friend recently, here is where having a Virgo parent really left its mark. My Mom was a perfectionist, so I can't stand to try to sew cause I'm so afraid of getting it wrong, or making a mistake. And I'm not very good. At Dickens, you have to create your own character and your own costume. AUGH! And sometimes one determines the other. Your character is very based on class, and your costume will reflect that. If you can't afford a really nice costume, you're probably going to be middle or lower class. I went to the costume person with questions and they were very put upon and overburdened with a big line. And they did in fact help me and give me some good ideas. But they didn't really have time to explain everything. So I had a lot of fears and questions and all my anxiety come up. She told me to come back and I did, but then I asked one too many questions, she was really short and dismissive with me. And I got upset and teary and angry. I said I can empathize with how much you have to do, and I actually work in professional theater. But I am just trying to find the right ways to get information so I can get things done. I also said this is very unwelcoming place for newcomers. She apologized, and I went to the car and cried. I realize in retrospect that this all comes from my absolute terror of sewing and getting things right. But now I'm really anxious that I may be interpreted as difficult. But I do find it overwhelming. I am praying that I can maybe borrow a costume from work, and will do some sewing this week.
So what's the lesson in all this? Don't do Dickens Fair (or Ren Faire or the SCA?) if you're afraid to sew, unless you can pay someone else to make your costume? That performing may not be worth the stress to me anymore? That maybe I have enough friends and don't need to meet new people? Maybe. I just thought I'm not going to meet someone to be in relationship with unless i put myself out there in the world. But maybe this isn't the place. Eh, I'll finish it now that I've started. But I am going to be kind and gentle with myself, and try not to take on all the stress around me.
Okay, I'm going to try to go back to sleep for an hour. Oops, make that a half hour. If I can.
The good thing that happened this day was that I ran into the woman representing the Green Man (I word this carefully, as the woman in charge had sadly had a heart attack this week), and she said they'd be happy to have me join them. Hoorah, I have a place.
Then Lunch break. I didn't see DJ and Buffalo, so I sat by myself in a hallway and ate. I was glad to have some grounded time, but it did feel lonely. I find joining Dickens Very hard as a newcomer. It's very much an in-crowd sort of group, and if you are new, it's hard to make acquaintances, cause people are mostly hooking up with people they know already. I was considering suggesting some ideas for newcomers, like having a newcomer mentor to answer questions, and someone who headed up a lunchtime group for newcomers to answer questions and give people a chance to meet others. Dickens seems to be so dependent on social structures based on who you know. But if they truly want newcomers, it would be good to have more structures to support them.
I found my buttons really pushed this lunch. I was doing this to have fun, and was instead feeling immensely pressured to do things right, while not really feeling like i had all the information or support I needed. I realized after the fact that many resources can be found on the internet, but I tend to prefer to learn things verbally, so I want to hear things. But the people in charge don't have time to explain everything verbally.
The primary button being pushed was the MART button. I vowed to myself after directing my last play in MART that I would never get involved with a theater company again where I had to do so much. I would only work when there were enough support and resources in place. Directing Kissing the Witch, I had to direct, design and create the set, design and create the sound, find the props, and find all my crews. I looked around and saw all the organizers looking very stressed and put upon and stretched to the limits. I could certainly empathize with this. And the conundrum, is the people I actually know in this community are the organizers. But not well enough to sit down and have lunch with them, and I doubt they were even able to stop long enough to sit down.
And what makes the hard work and stress of theater worth it is the social interaction. What I got out of MART was community and connections with people. But I'm not getting that benefit here at all, so far. It just feels like work so far. Maybe I need to be patient. But today was hard.
The real bottom line at Dickens though, is having costume approval. You must have your costume approved to get a pass. And here's the really big button. I am terrified of sewing. As I was discussing with a friend recently, here is where having a Virgo parent really left its mark. My Mom was a perfectionist, so I can't stand to try to sew cause I'm so afraid of getting it wrong, or making a mistake. And I'm not very good. At Dickens, you have to create your own character and your own costume. AUGH! And sometimes one determines the other. Your character is very based on class, and your costume will reflect that. If you can't afford a really nice costume, you're probably going to be middle or lower class. I went to the costume person with questions and they were very put upon and overburdened with a big line. And they did in fact help me and give me some good ideas. But they didn't really have time to explain everything. So I had a lot of fears and questions and all my anxiety come up. She told me to come back and I did, but then I asked one too many questions, she was really short and dismissive with me. And I got upset and teary and angry. I said I can empathize with how much you have to do, and I actually work in professional theater. But I am just trying to find the right ways to get information so I can get things done. I also said this is very unwelcoming place for newcomers. She apologized, and I went to the car and cried. I realize in retrospect that this all comes from my absolute terror of sewing and getting things right. But now I'm really anxious that I may be interpreted as difficult. But I do find it overwhelming. I am praying that I can maybe borrow a costume from work, and will do some sewing this week.
So what's the lesson in all this? Don't do Dickens Fair (or Ren Faire or the SCA?) if you're afraid to sew, unless you can pay someone else to make your costume? That performing may not be worth the stress to me anymore? That maybe I have enough friends and don't need to meet new people? Maybe. I just thought I'm not going to meet someone to be in relationship with unless i put myself out there in the world. But maybe this isn't the place. Eh, I'll finish it now that I've started. But I am going to be kind and gentle with myself, and try not to take on all the stress around me.
Okay, I'm going to try to go back to sleep for an hour. Oops, make that a half hour. If I can.