I survived......
.....the move. But I doubt I'll ever recover.
The stress has made me break out in ezcema on one arm, both legs, behind my ears.... gah! And it itches like hell! *scratchscratchscratch*
It was a long day. The only light in the darkness were my parents keeping me stable, and the movers. If anyone readin' this thing lives in Ottawa and needs a mover, I highly suggest Bytown Moving Plus. Fantastic people, great service. They had my stuff out and loaded in under two hours, an put in storage by the end of the day. Fantastic.
Another friend, or now, not-friend, went by while my parents and I took a break for lunch (Dad has diabetes, he needs to be fed regularly (just not after midnight) ) and went by to bring roommate out for....something. He left the second we came back, no hello or anything. Drove away so fast he didn't even bother to close the passenger door first. So I guess I've lost not one good friend, but two good friends. He had called the day before to say 'goodbye'. Not 'good luck' but 'goodbye'. So.....
Seriously, what the hell did I do to desreve this? That's what is constantly going through my head. Why did I get thrown out? Why did my best-friend suddenly start treating me like her greatest enemy? Why the fuck don't I get the basic honor of being told what the fuck I did to deseve this shit?
It's times like this where I wonder if maybe I deserve this. Everytime I trust someone and let them through my defenses, almost 9 out of 10 times, I end up regrettting it. It's a Catch 22. Lonliness hurts, like something that's ripping out a piece of my chest..... but being betrayed and massively wounded by the people I trusted is like having a piece of my soul smashed into billions of pieces.
Maybe this is for the better. Maybe I should just come to grips with the fact that other than the online friendships/aquaintences I have, that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If every friendship I have ends up ending in painful betrayal, maybe I should just give up. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone.
My roommate was the closest thing I ever had to a sister. I loved her like family. I would have done anything for her. I would have given my life for hers at the drop of a hat. She was my sister by soul, and now that she's done this to me, it feels like she destroyed that part of me that was happy to have her in my life.
So, yeah, I survived the move..... but I don't know if my soul will ever heal.
......she didn't even care enough to say goodbye. Didn't even have the basic manners to even look me in the eye.
So I slammed the door on my way out, and left what was the best friend and only sister I ever had behind.....
And had a mental breakdown in the car on the way home.
I don't care who reads this. I don't care. I'm done. I'm tired. I hurt. And I'm just fucking done.
Roommate, if you're reading this, you hurt me in a way and intensity I didn't think possible. My mother says I should give it time, and this will all blow over, and you'll change back to the person who was my friend and sister. But you won't. You never will. I can't ever trust you again. You were my sister, and you HURT ME in ways you can't imagine.
I tried to reach out to you with that last email I sent you. I tried, and all you could say was that you wanted me to leave. And even signed it, 'Sincerely'.
Maybe you never understood this. Maybe you can't understand this. I'm an only child. I have always been alone, in one way or another. To find someone that would become the one person I would call my sister is a massive thing. No one ever has, or will ever be my sister. Except you. You will have been the only one in my life that will ever hold that place in my heart - even though that place that once held happiness has been replaced by agony.
You told me once that your greatest fear and worry was that you'd do something that would cost you my friendship, my loyalty and my trust.
I gave you every chance to keep that from coming true, and you threw each one back in my face.
So, I give up. I can't fight to keep something alive when the other person in the equation doesn't care enough to help salvage it.
And I at least, have enough courage in me to say this:
I loved you. I still love you. But I can't trust you not to hurt me again. I can't let you hurt me again. You were one of the three people in my life that gave me a reason to keep going. To keep getting up every morning. Now, once again, there are only two. And that loss is overwhelmingly painful.
Goodbye, my sister. I love you.
The stress has made me break out in ezcema on one arm, both legs, behind my ears.... gah! And it itches like hell! *scratchscratchscratch*
It was a long day. The only light in the darkness were my parents keeping me stable, and the movers. If anyone readin' this thing lives in Ottawa and needs a mover, I highly suggest Bytown Moving Plus. Fantastic people, great service. They had my stuff out and loaded in under two hours, an put in storage by the end of the day. Fantastic.
Another friend, or now, not-friend, went by while my parents and I took a break for lunch (Dad has diabetes, he needs to be fed regularly (just not after midnight) ) and went by to bring roommate out for....something. He left the second we came back, no hello or anything. Drove away so fast he didn't even bother to close the passenger door first. So I guess I've lost not one good friend, but two good friends. He had called the day before to say 'goodbye'. Not 'good luck' but 'goodbye'. So.....
Seriously, what the hell did I do to desreve this? That's what is constantly going through my head. Why did I get thrown out? Why did my best-friend suddenly start treating me like her greatest enemy? Why the fuck don't I get the basic honor of being told what the fuck I did to deseve this shit?
It's times like this where I wonder if maybe I deserve this. Everytime I trust someone and let them through my defenses, almost 9 out of 10 times, I end up regrettting it. It's a Catch 22. Lonliness hurts, like something that's ripping out a piece of my chest..... but being betrayed and massively wounded by the people I trusted is like having a piece of my soul smashed into billions of pieces.
Maybe this is for the better. Maybe I should just come to grips with the fact that other than the online friendships/aquaintences I have, that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If every friendship I have ends up ending in painful betrayal, maybe I should just give up. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone.
My roommate was the closest thing I ever had to a sister. I loved her like family. I would have done anything for her. I would have given my life for hers at the drop of a hat. She was my sister by soul, and now that she's done this to me, it feels like she destroyed that part of me that was happy to have her in my life.
So, yeah, I survived the move..... but I don't know if my soul will ever heal.
......she didn't even care enough to say goodbye. Didn't even have the basic manners to even look me in the eye.
So I slammed the door on my way out, and left what was the best friend and only sister I ever had behind.....
And had a mental breakdown in the car on the way home.
I don't care who reads this. I don't care. I'm done. I'm tired. I hurt. And I'm just fucking done.
Roommate, if you're reading this, you hurt me in a way and intensity I didn't think possible. My mother says I should give it time, and this will all blow over, and you'll change back to the person who was my friend and sister. But you won't. You never will. I can't ever trust you again. You were my sister, and you HURT ME in ways you can't imagine.
I tried to reach out to you with that last email I sent you. I tried, and all you could say was that you wanted me to leave. And even signed it, 'Sincerely'.
Maybe you never understood this. Maybe you can't understand this. I'm an only child. I have always been alone, in one way or another. To find someone that would become the one person I would call my sister is a massive thing. No one ever has, or will ever be my sister. Except you. You will have been the only one in my life that will ever hold that place in my heart - even though that place that once held happiness has been replaced by agony.
You told me once that your greatest fear and worry was that you'd do something that would cost you my friendship, my loyalty and my trust.
I gave you every chance to keep that from coming true, and you threw each one back in my face.
So, I give up. I can't fight to keep something alive when the other person in the equation doesn't care enough to help salvage it.
And I at least, have enough courage in me to say this:
I loved you. I still love you. But I can't trust you not to hurt me again. I can't let you hurt me again. You were one of the three people in my life that gave me a reason to keep going. To keep getting up every morning. Now, once again, there are only two. And that loss is overwhelmingly painful.
Goodbye, my sister. I love you.