Discontent.

[laserlightshow]

I've forgotten who I am. Or rather: I've lost myself. I'm completely dissatisfied. Nothing is appealing. My grades are fucked and it's like I'm just waiting for them to jump back up where they should be. I care about fewer people than ever. I say I love a lot of people I don't. I don't tell a lot of people I love that they mean the world to me. I kiss and show affection to all the wrong people. I hurt people. I have a habit of leading people on. I hate everything that define's people perception of me. I think I should start doing drugs. I need a job. I blame working for my failing pre-cal and chemistry. I hate smoking. I can't stop, because it's comforting. I don't want to be sick like my grandmother when I'm older. I resent my dad. I miss my sister. I want desperately for certain people to like me. I need a nerve pill, so I can just go to sleep. I hope God exists. If he does, I hope he still gives a shit. I hate all the music I listen to, the clothes I wear, the things I do, most of the people with whom I surround myself, the way I act, the books I read, the things I think, and my utter lack of motivation. I love my mom and my brother and my grandmother, and Corey and Autumn and Missy and Jeffrey. The best friends I've ever had were the ones I met at church, like Stephanie and Scotty, and I miss them terribly. I miss how sure of myself and my future I used to be. I miss the one person I shouldn't. I miss taking naps with Rebekah and going places with Jesse and the Random Witness Ministry. I miss singing in church. I miss how happy I used to be. I miss Chapter 41. I miss holding hands and all that other mushy bullshit. I miss the feeling of having someone around who I could turn to for anything. I miss lunch in the library with Sarah and Dusty. I miss when my grandmother wasn't sick. I miss being content with Christianity. I miss April/May. I miss when all my best friends were still here and everything was still all right. I miss Rebekah lighting all my cigarettes. I miss smoking because I felt like it, not because I needed to. I miss when the Spice Girls were cool. I miss everything I've ever experienced. I miss thinking sixteen was going to be cool and fun. I miss when cassette tapes were what everyone listened to. I miss good music. I miss the idea that going to a good college was guaranteed. I miss not worrying about money. I miss when my grandmother wasn't worrying about whether or not she had a burial plot next to her mother. I miss getting Dairy Queen for breakfast and going to yard sales with my grandmother on Saturdays. I miss when everything was clear-cut. I miss when Jeffrey and I would make tents with sheets and chairs and play store. I miss the way I adored my mom and how I never thought I'd move out. I miss when R-rated movies were for grown-ups and I wasn't allowed to watch. I miss everything.

I take back what I said about today being a good day.