I just don't want to die without a few scars.
I’m not sure if you’ll read this, but if you do, I’m kind of hoping you won’t know it’s about you.
But mostly, I hope you do.
First, I want to make it clear that I did not have any hope for us. Not besides just hoping to be friends & having you in my life at all fucking costs.
Second, I think you should know that I haven’t been krasie over you all this time. There have been other people since you & me. It’s just that, when we started talking again, I felt myself falling for you just the way I had before, only this time I knew what I was getting into, and I fought it - fought you - with everything I had.
More than anything, it breaks me - my heart, my hope (not for you, but for someone), the fucking bravado I-don’t-need-anyone-because-I’m-K-T-O-N-and-I’m-tough-as-fucking-nails bullshit, my everything - to hear you refer to our relationship as what you did & talk about how it hurt her. Her? I don’t know her and I don’t care to, but I’m willing to bet she hasn’t put up with this shit.
And maybe she has. Maybe I’m way off base, but she’s five hundred fucking miles away, and it’s a lot easier to not think about someone when you don’t see their friends everywhere & they don’t live four blocks away.
Four fucking blocks away, and you were almost always too busy to come see me? Disregard the fact that relationships I’d put so much fucking work into fell apart because of our relationship and - a year later - they still can’t be repaired.
But don’t get me wrong - I’m happy where I am. I really am. I like that the only boy I really hang out with doesn’t expect anything from me & loves me regardless of just about anything. More than that, I love that my relationship with him is so strictly platonic. I like dedicating my burps to him & joking about the one time it was a little more than platonic (but only a little).
And I have the most amazing friends. Some of them I’ve only met recently, but it seems like I’ve known them all my life. And my best friend - surely you know who she is, right? - God, she’s so incredible. She’s heard about you & him & her & everything that’s gone on in my life, & she’s considerate enough to pretend it actually matters in the long run.
None of this does.
I’m terrified of everything that has happened & will happen (not only with you, but with everyone & everything) - but I’ll be okay.
I don’t want you worrying about me or how I’ve been hurt or any of that shit.
I really do love my life.
I also love you, and I swear that I will until the day I die.
But mostly, I hope you do.
First, I want to make it clear that I did not have any hope for us. Not besides just hoping to be friends & having you in my life at all fucking costs.
Second, I think you should know that I haven’t been krasie over you all this time. There have been other people since you & me. It’s just that, when we started talking again, I felt myself falling for you just the way I had before, only this time I knew what I was getting into, and I fought it - fought you - with everything I had.
More than anything, it breaks me - my heart, my hope (not for you, but for someone), the fucking bravado I-don’t-need-anyone-because-I’m-K-T-O-N-and-I’m-tough-as-fucking-nails bullshit, my everything - to hear you refer to our relationship as what you did & talk about how it hurt her. Her? I don’t know her and I don’t care to, but I’m willing to bet she hasn’t put up with this shit.
And maybe she has. Maybe I’m way off base, but she’s five hundred fucking miles away, and it’s a lot easier to not think about someone when you don’t see their friends everywhere & they don’t live four blocks away.
Four fucking blocks away, and you were almost always too busy to come see me? Disregard the fact that relationships I’d put so much fucking work into fell apart because of our relationship and - a year later - they still can’t be repaired.
But don’t get me wrong - I’m happy where I am. I really am. I like that the only boy I really hang out with doesn’t expect anything from me & loves me regardless of just about anything. More than that, I love that my relationship with him is so strictly platonic. I like dedicating my burps to him & joking about the one time it was a little more than platonic (but only a little).
And I have the most amazing friends. Some of them I’ve only met recently, but it seems like I’ve known them all my life. And my best friend - surely you know who she is, right? - God, she’s so incredible. She’s heard about you & him & her & everything that’s gone on in my life, & she’s considerate enough to pretend it actually matters in the long run.
None of this does.
I’m terrified of everything that has happened & will happen (not only with you, but with everyone & everything) - but I’ll be okay.
I don’t want you worrying about me or how I’ve been hurt or any of that shit.
I really do love my life.
I also love you, and I swear that I will until the day I die.