ISO

[larp_tech]

When looking for housemates to move into an existing group house (if you will), if the candidate is in an ongoing poly relationship, is it okay to want to meet all involved parties before making a decision about acceptability?  Or should the judgment be based solely on the individual who would be a full time resident?

Ideas or suggestions?

Comments

[ex_greymaide85]

If you are auditioning a monogomous roommate, would you ask to meet their boy/girlfriend? Probably not. So why do the people your possible poly roommate is dating matter more?

Now, if you are looking for someone to join a poly household, as in, be an active part of the relationships therein, different story. Yes, I would absolutely want to meet their existing partners. Not only that, but I'd run a rudimentary background check on all of them.

But that's just me.

[stori_lundi]

I agree. I think the main issues with people in relationships, regardless of their type (mono, poly, other) is when said SO spends so much time in the house that they should be paying rent too. Frequent guests can drive up utility costs like for water (more showers, flushing toilets) or take up more space in the fridge (food for 2 instead of one).

So I think the issue is laying down ground rules for guests/SOs as opposed to what type of relationship they are in.

[larp_tech]

The only reason poly matters more is quantity. Poly implies the possibility of more than one person visiting, possibly at the same time.

If I was informed that the potential housemate was not poly but dated a lot with frequent (and different) over night guests, I would be even more concerned about who they might be letting into my house.

To answer your question, if the monogamous potential roommate planned to have their SO over frequently, I would indeed like to meet them before hand.

Thus the more accurate question should have read, with a potential roommate who is in a relationship should I want to meet the SO?

Two possible answers are 1) it only matters if the SO will be present for reasonably large amounts of time or 2) if I set ground rules about visitors then the type of relationship doesn't matter (and should not have been included in my original query).

[ex_greymaide85]

If you would want to meet any SO, then I don't see why it hurts to ask. When I was in college, my roommate had a godbrother who was in the room ALL THE TIME. I didn't mind, but I can see how some people would. I once helped my ex move into a new place with a roommate, and then stayed for the rest of the week before I drove 3 hours back to school and his roommate flipped out about it.

So maybe the better questions to ask isn't "Can we meet your SO(s)" but "Are there any people who will be visiting frequently, and do you mind if we meet them before you move in?"

If potential room-mate thinks that's strange, just explain that a previous room-mate had guests over frequently, some of whom were not very nice or respectful of your home and property.

Return question

[larp_tech]

Do you feel that sharing living space in a house does not constitute being an active part of a relationship of a sort?
To the best of my understanding you could have a partner in a relationship (poly or mono) who is not physically involved with others in the relationship.

I would be expecting a housemate to be responsible with the common areas including the kitchen. I may not be swapping bodily fluids with this person but the possibility of exchanging germs is high.

What level of background check do you feel would be appropriate for someone looking to join your household? I realize our situations are vastly different as I do not have the safety of young children to consider but I do own the house in question so there is a strong investment in the household working smoothly.

Re: Return question

[tafkad]

Re: background checks, I never did that when I was managing the old House of Torpor, but I did make a point of telling potential housemates that as we were across the street from a school, the house was legally in a drug-free zone (i.e., much higher legal penalties than outside school zones, including a much higher likelihood of serving jail time), the house was a drug-free house. Most people had no problem with this requirement. One or two expressed irritation, and one person was tossed out on his hindquarters for refusing to comply.

Re: SOs, I'd recommend that everyone who can get together does so for dinner in a neutral territory. Reduces the potential for hostility ("What do you MEAN, they want to meet me?") if you're all breaking bread together before non-residents get a chance to think they belong there.

Just my two cents.

Re: Return question

[ex_greymaide85]

I would generally run a quick check of the court records to see if they've been charged with a crime, and apply a little google-fu. Not a really intensive background check, just a basic one