I drink tomato soup from a mug.
I've got to find another job. Sitting here in this cramped little store, alone, with barely any customers, and the wind constantly opening and slamming the front door... Oh my non-existant god.
It's in the 70's outside. And it's February.
This is to all the people who mock global warming:
If I could find you, I would punch you in the mouth. Repeatedly. Until all your teeth fell out. And then I'd take your teeth and put them in an industrial-strength blender, along with gasoline, non-biodegradable waste materials, non-efficient lightbulbs, non-renewable resources like oil, and the carcasses of dead, endangered animals like polar bears, and I would blend it all up, and make you drink it. All. While you cried. And forceably vomited.
Because... fuck you.
Moving on.
(Possible rhetorical question.) Have you ever thought... maybe you're just "one of those people" who's better off not being in a relationship? Because, shit, dawg, I feel like that all the time. Or most of the time. I mean, I have gone through some really ridiculous things, and they've messed me up a little. And, to this day, I don't take full responsibility for things that happened. The people I was with had their own issues that made them kind of fucked up too. To this day there are things that I wish I could go back and do over, not because I want to go back to a dead relationship, but because I want to like.. restore my honor or something.
I think I've done a GREAT job in my current relationship. This thing with Phil has been handled very well. For the first time, I feel like I have actually taken charge with communicating, with steering and changing the relationship. We've been very constructive together and supportive of each other. It's a lot different than what I've been through.
So why isn't that enough? Well.. because I don't think anything really will ever be enough for me. I'm such a.. mixed-up person, not because I fuck relationships up, but because I'd rather put them to the side when I'm trying to work on other things. And it's not like I'm not caring, or affectionate, or involved. It's just that I'm very open about what I see for the future, and I'm so realistic about what may or may not happen that it comes off as pessimism, or "preparing for the worst."
I think I'm just the shell of a dead romantic.
There's nothing idealistic or excited left inside, just the duties of a current relationship, and preparing for where it will go and what it will mean in the future. A house, a mortgage, a car payment, a job, a family, an insurance plan, a will, a savings account, a retirement plan...
It's all just, out there in the future, like something on a checklist. It's just things to do. It's not something that actually makes me happy.
Like, right now, being with someone while I'm young like this... I should be vigorous and excited and... happy. I should be deep, down-in-my-bones happy, because I'm with someone who cares about me, and who I care about, and could possibly see a future with, even if it might be tough at times. But the love makes it all worthwhile.
But.. it doesn't? It doesn't make it all worthwhile. Because I'm that kind of person who's always worried about why it doesn't feel good enough, why I'm not happy enough, what else is missing, what else I should be seeing or searching for.
It makes me question myself. Worry about myself.
Why can't I just be... normal?
It's in the 70's outside. And it's February.
This is to all the people who mock global warming:
If I could find you, I would punch you in the mouth. Repeatedly. Until all your teeth fell out. And then I'd take your teeth and put them in an industrial-strength blender, along with gasoline, non-biodegradable waste materials, non-efficient lightbulbs, non-renewable resources like oil, and the carcasses of dead, endangered animals like polar bears, and I would blend it all up, and make you drink it. All. While you cried. And forceably vomited.
Because... fuck you.
Moving on.
(Possible rhetorical question.) Have you ever thought... maybe you're just "one of those people" who's better off not being in a relationship? Because, shit, dawg, I feel like that all the time. Or most of the time. I mean, I have gone through some really ridiculous things, and they've messed me up a little. And, to this day, I don't take full responsibility for things that happened. The people I was with had their own issues that made them kind of fucked up too. To this day there are things that I wish I could go back and do over, not because I want to go back to a dead relationship, but because I want to like.. restore my honor or something.
I think I've done a GREAT job in my current relationship. This thing with Phil has been handled very well. For the first time, I feel like I have actually taken charge with communicating, with steering and changing the relationship. We've been very constructive together and supportive of each other. It's a lot different than what I've been through.
So why isn't that enough? Well.. because I don't think anything really will ever be enough for me. I'm such a.. mixed-up person, not because I fuck relationships up, but because I'd rather put them to the side when I'm trying to work on other things. And it's not like I'm not caring, or affectionate, or involved. It's just that I'm very open about what I see for the future, and I'm so realistic about what may or may not happen that it comes off as pessimism, or "preparing for the worst."
I think I'm just the shell of a dead romantic.
There's nothing idealistic or excited left inside, just the duties of a current relationship, and preparing for where it will go and what it will mean in the future. A house, a mortgage, a car payment, a job, a family, an insurance plan, a will, a savings account, a retirement plan...
It's all just, out there in the future, like something on a checklist. It's just things to do. It's not something that actually makes me happy.
Like, right now, being with someone while I'm young like this... I should be vigorous and excited and... happy. I should be deep, down-in-my-bones happy, because I'm with someone who cares about me, and who I care about, and could possibly see a future with, even if it might be tough at times. But the love makes it all worthwhile.
But.. it doesn't? It doesn't make it all worthwhile. Because I'm that kind of person who's always worried about why it doesn't feel good enough, why I'm not happy enough, what else is missing, what else I should be seeing or searching for.
It makes me question myself. Worry about myself.
Why can't I just be... normal?