Fic: Choirs in My Head
Title: Choirs in My Head
Rating: PG-ish, Babe also has a dirty mouth, and, you know, teenagers.
Characters: Babe, Bill, Spina, Julian and family members. Gen.
Summary:A day in the life of Babe Heffron, aged seventeen years and eleven months.
Disclaimer: This is all fiction based off the characters as portrayed in the HBO mini-series. No disrespect is meant.
A/N:Unbeated. Character sketch/history gone wild. Title and cut text from The Gaslight Anthem’s Orphans
April 2001
Philadelphia raised tough youths, South Philly streets contributed largely to that population. If it wasn’t the crime that got you, there was just something about the city that drew sharper edges and harsher words out of the kindest of people. Especially towards outsiders. South Philly had its own attitudes, its own traditions, and god help those who tried to threaten the status quo. You grew up in the area, you came with a badge of pride. It was an enclave of various ethnic groups, both recent immigrants and those who arrived centuries ago. It used to be full of working-class, but that was changing as people tried to gentrify the area. Even South Philly had to go through the the typical life cycle of an urban neighborhood.
Still South Philly held at its core a strong tie of identity, family and community. It meant something to come from here, go to school here, live here for generations. People left but they came back. It was more than just your family’s home, it was your neighborhood.
Each neighborhood had their own group of kids, who swaggered down the streets and acted like they owned everyone. Arrogance of youth, and they’d all been there, so as long as they kept their selves in check, the community indulged them. In Pennsport the Guarnere and Heffron families were always a part of this group, going back to World War II. The whole neighborhood took pride in their achievements, let them have it when they fucked up, hid them when the cops or the Mafia came by for some stupid stunt they pulled. You didn’t just come from your parents if you were in Pennsport, you came from everyone on your block.
Babe Heffron grew up with these ideals ingrained in his being as strong and familiar as the Hail Mary. And here he was, facing the end of his senior year and still had no clue what to do with his future in Pennsport, South Philly. His best friends, Bill Guarnere, Ralph Spina, and John Julian all had their paths set out, but Babe, Babe was going to be somewhere in-between.
Babe never wanted to go to parochial school but it was a family tradition. As the middle of five kids, he really thought that after Joe and Jimmy passed through Saint Joseph of Cupertino’s hallowed halls he’d get a shot at South Philadelphia High School. No such luck and with an academic scholarship to boot, his later teenage years were spent sweating over grades just to stay in high school. There was no money for college, not in a family of five with a dad who worked as a prison guard and a mom who worked for a bakery, while pulling her own night school classes. To be honest, Babe didn’t want to go to college. He’d never really been taken by an academic subject. He liked music and could sing decent enough not to embarrass himself, but it was hardly a career making voice. He could play some baseball, but knew he didn't have the talent to make it to the Majors. Babe was okay with his choices. It was cold comfort though, when everyone else around you was waving their admission packets and talking about frat houses.
Everyone else just seemed to know. Ralph already had nursing and EMT classes under his belt. His college plans so far included a dedicated nursing program. Bill was going to the Army Reserve, being one of the kids who needed military money to go to school. To be fair, Bill planned on going into the Army anyway, but this way he could make Ma Guarnere's dreams come true with a college degree. Julian would take over his part in the family’s body shop. And Babe? He’d probably be working construction with his Uncle Frank. Or continue his work as a barback for Murphy’s Hill. He could start full time bartending soon and there was decent money there. Combine the two and he could save for college, or a house, or whatever was in his future.
Right now though, sitting in the old, cracking, poor-lit basement classroom where he studied English Literature, Babe just felt stifled. Even the familiar image of Jesus, Mary and the Sacred Heart couldn’t distract him from all the thoughts in his head.
To his right, Spina was plowing through yet another registration packet. On his left, Bill was writing out a version of his last will and testament. Again. Ma Guarnere demanded it. He couldn’t see Julian behind him, but he sounded like he was sleeping. They were so close to the end of their senior year that no one was paying attention to Mr. Scott’s impassioned speech on Hamlet. To be or not to be; To thine own self be true, that was the last shit Babe needed to hear right now.
It almost felt like a blessing when Mass rolled around.
Babe wasn’t the most religious guy in the world. He certainly didn’t take to heart all the dogma spit out in the Catechism. He felt like the current edition of the Bible was the longest-running game of Telephone in the history of mankind. Being gay certainly meant he didn’t feel an open-arms welcome under the roofs of the cathedrals that raised him. Still, there was something about being inside a church that moved him. The stain glassed windows, the incense, the Stations of the Cross, the crucifix watching down on them all from the altar. It made him feel tiny, not insignificant, just helped him put things in perspective. Let him think. Let his body and mouth follow the ingrained rituals while his mind got to rest. It didn’t make him the best Catholic in the world, but that wasn’t a title he was running for, so no loss there.
Babe knew things changed, they always did, law of the universe right there, and it wasn’t exactly like he was standing still. He just had to wait, and how did that song go? Waiting is the hardest part. Tom Petty didn’t have to sound so friggin' smug when he sang it, and really, what the fuck did a rock star know?
Members of the student choir got up to sing the Ave Maria. The next few weeks would be full of worship and church services, both here and at home, as Easter came roaring through. End of Lent, thank god, since Babe always wanted a hamburger on Fridays.
The eyes burning into the back of his skull during Mass told him Bill knew something was up. Bill always knew. Babe just shook it off and tried to let the familiar tones of the Regina Coeli wash over him. He’d deal with Bill later.
********
Ralph was the only one with a car and the only one any of their parents trusted with driving. Babe had his motorcycle, a hand-me-down from Joey, but he loved it all the same. Bill had his own two feet and a TransPass. Julian, well, Julian’s parents were over-protective of their only son and didn’t like him leaving Pennsport. They lived close enough to school they could walk it easy, but there was still a bite in the air and Ralph’s dad paid for parking anyway, so they took advantage of it while they could.
Julian’s tie was undone and shirt untucked before they even left school. Ralph pulled on his hat the minute they passed through the doorway. Babe and Bill came from the multi-generations of St. Joe’s alumni and knew better than to be anything less than poised and perfect before they were off school grounds. Father Mike had no qualms about calling their grandmothers, much less their moms.
“It’s going to have to be a quick drive today, guys,” Ralph said. “Mia will rip my balls off if we’re late to that show in North Jersey.”
“Isn’t it in the basement of a VFW Hall? That’s a long ass trip for a date,” Julian said.
Ralph nodded. “It’s her birthday present. I’m paying for the gas and any merch she wants. Cheaper than buying a bracelet or something, you know?”
“You say that now,” Babe muttered. He liked Mia, even if she tried to pierce as many metal objects into various parts of her body as possible. She was cool and one of the few people he still talked to from bartending school. Her and Ralph weren’t too serious, but they were having fun. If Babe had to live vicariously through someone else’s relationship he’d rather it be Mia and Ralph than Bill and Fran. Fran scared Babe shitless.
It was just, Mia had a thing for drummers. It was one of the first things she told him. Ralph, who could take a pulse, give CPR, and administer aid in a heartbeat, couldn’t sing or play a musical instrument to save his life. There was that really bad try out for orchestra no one ever talked about as proof. Which is why Ralph joined the knitting club for his extracurricular and got out of freezing his ass off on the ice with the intramural hockey team and soaking in the rain with the marching band.
“Do you know something, Babe?” Ralph asked.
“Keep her away from the drummer,” he said.
“Shit, son, I knew that,” Ralph said. He took a sharp turn, avoided some kids playing football in the street, and swerved right into curb in front of Bill and Babe’s stoop. “That’ll be $10.50.”
“How about I not punch you in the face and Babe goes along for your next STD test,” Bill said.
“That shit ain’t funny, Guarnere,” Ralph said.
“Neither is syphilis,” Bill said. He opened his wallet and threw a condom at Ralph’s head. “There’s your tip. Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll see you Sunday.”
How the altar of Our Lady did not actually burst into flames with Ralph and Bill as servers was a mystery Babe pondered each Sunday. And on Ash Wednesdays. Especially on Ash Wednesdays.
Babe slapped Ralph on the back of his head, knocking his cap off. “Call me when you get home, Spina, or I’ll send Maggie after you.”
“And what’s brace face going to do? Blind me to death with all her metal?” Ralph asked.
“Don’t mock the orthodontically challenged,” Babe answered. He crawled out of the car, waving them off. He’d see Julian later tonight, but for now it was afternoon snack time at Bill’s. He may be seventeen, but damn good Italian food was better than any of the crap Babe could get out of the cabinets. And it was a tradition, one that wouldn’t last for very much longer.
The Guarnere house really was a second home. They shared a wall with the Heffrons. Their parents grew up together, their older siblings played with each other and then babysat Bill and the younger Heffrons. Babe sometimes felt more comfortable here than in his own room. Probably because these days the Guarnere house was mostly quiet except for dinnertime. Bill, the baby, had his own bedroom, bathroom, and fire escape. It had a hell of a lot more privacy than the bunk-beds Babe shared with Johnny and the bathroom he shared with Maggie.
They spent as much time as they could out on the fire escape. Both Bill and Babe liked to look out over the city, over the river, to everyone milling about below. As soon as it warmed up enough, they were out here. It was probably too cold to be out today, but it was warm for Spring in Philly.
Babe let his feet dangle between the bars, getting rust all over his slacks. He smoked one of the cigarettes Evie Guarnere smuggled into the house on her last stay. Bill was on the windowsill, staring hard at Babe’s head when he wasn’t distracted by some plane flying above them.
“Babe, I ask this as your life-long friend and someone who knows you better than your own self, what the fuck is going on?”
Babe flicked the contraband cigarette, watching the ash float in the breeze.
“I don’t fucking know, Bill.” He shrugged, rolling the cigarette back and forth between his fingers. “That’s the problem. I just don’t know.”
Bill crawled outside and nudged him in the back. “Babe, you’re too young to be having a mid-life crisis,” he said.
“Is that right, old man?” he asked. Bill was a whole month older than Babe, even if he thought that month was like five years. Bill would be eighteen in two weeks, not the sixty he acted.
“If I say it than it must be true.” Bill leaned back on the fire escape. “You ain’t stupid, Babe, and don’t go thinking you are because you’re not doing this college bullshit like the rest of us right now. You’re a middle kid and that sucks because you’re always going to be in the middle. But Babe, you’re doing the right thing. You’re working and saving money. Getting life skills that most kids ain’t gonna have while they go drinking and puking their brains outs on their parents’ dime. You’re graduating from one of the best schools in Philly and no one can take that away from you. So the fuck what if you don’t follow the path everyone else does. You’re Babe Heffron, one of Pennsport’s finest, and you don’t have to live your life by some manual.” Bill punched him on the arm. “And if anyone gives you shit, tell ‘em to fuck off and die. Better yet, I’ll come after them and shove my foot so far up their asses they’ll be choking on their goddamn words.”
Babe smiled. “You always say the sweetest things, Bill,” he cooed.
Bill shrugged. “It’s a gift.”
“Will you boys come off of that damn thing before you get yourselves killed,” Ma Guarnere yelled. “Come inside, Carmella’s just brought over a pan of gnocchi.”
“Be down in a second, Ma,” Bill said. He turned to Babe. “So, can your life crisis go on pause long enough to taste some of the best gnocchi in all of Pennsylvania?”
Babe smiled. Carmella really was a great cook and Babe was kind of hungry. “Not like I have anywhere else to be.”
“That’s the spirit,” Bill said.
********
Babe laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling of Julian’s room. The whole house held trace scents of auto paint. Even though he’d been coming here since second grade, his nostrils still burnt when taking in the smell.
Julian had the typical teenage boy room, posters of J. Lo, girls in bikinis and race cars. Still had a whole platoon of green army men on one of the shelves. Babe shared his room with his little brother Johnny, and never was into girls in bikinis or race cars, so his room had to be more sedate. Ma let him put up a few pictures of Triumphs, and just kept her mouth shut over the George Clooney and Johnny Depp posters. She encouraged classic rock, so he had original poster prints of The Beatles and The Jimmy Hendrix Experience in place of Julian’s Metallica and Limp Bizkit.
At least Julian’s room wasn’t like Bill’s, with a picture of Jesus and the Virgin Mary staring down on his every move. Spina had human anatomy charts and pictures of the solar system. It kind of cracked Babe up that Julian was the stereotypical teenage boy out of them all and the only who’d never kissed a girl, much less been on a date.
Not that Babe was dating much these days. His family were nothing but supportive over Babe coming out, but his Ma made him promise to leave off dating other men until after he graduated from Saint Joseph’s. It annoyed the shit out of Babe, but he could see the wisdom it not doing anything that could get him expelled with only months left. The Diocese was worse than the military when it came to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Which pretty much explained why he spent his Friday nights lounging on Julian’s bedroom floor while Bill tried to convince Frannie that he really was serious about this ‘exclusive relationship’ business and Ralph took Mia to concerts. Babe really needed to find something more fascinating than the ceiling, but his shift started at 10 pm, so it was best to relax now. Fridays during baseball season were hell.
“Ran into Tony down at Geno’s,” Julian said, bursting into the room. “He gave me a whole box of cannolis,”
“Original or chocolate?”
“Chocolate chip.”
“Give ‘em here,” Babe said, holding out his hand. He sat up, accepting the paper plate and napkin full of ricotta goodness.
“You better make some sort of work-out plan once we leave St. Joe’s or you’re going to get the fattest ass in all of South Philly,” Julian said with a mouth full.
“I figured I’d just run up the Rocky Steps,” Babe said. It actually wasn’t far from the truth for his future exercise regiment.
“I’d pay good money to see you fall flat on your ass going up those,” Julian said.
“Please, you’ll be right beside me playing Gonna Fly Now.”
Julian shook his head. “I was thinking Eye of the Tiger.”
“Nah, if I’m gonna act like a tourist, I’m going with the authentic feel.”
“And I don’t have a boom box lying around to carry after you.”
“There’s got to be one in the Guarnere attic. Remember Halloween of ’97?”
“Classic 80s movie characters?” Julian asked.
“Yeah,” Babe said, “Bill was going to do Lloyd Dobler, but then he went for John Bender.”
“We should do that again,” Julian said. “We kicked ass that year.”
“I don’t think Ralph can take any more Wyld Stallyns jokes.”
Babe looked up when there was no reply from Julian. Normally he’d be bragging about his Ferris Bueller success, winning with his rendition of Twist and Shout. This time was different. Julian was looking at him all serious. It was not a common look for John Julian.
“What, is my head on fire or something?” Babe asked.
“Nah,” Julian said, shaking his head in the negative. “It’s just,” he stopped and chewed on his lip. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How’d ya know you were gay? I mean, you went with Doris.”
Babe was wondering when this would come up. He’d only been out since January and everyone else had the heart-to-hearts with him except Julian. Babe picked up one of the baseballs littering the bedroom floor. He ran his fingers across the stitches and tried to think of the best way to respond. It was kind of hard to explain Doris and the subsequent I’m Gay speech after that relationship imploded.
Babe decided to go with the sarcastic approach.“Yeah and she gave my gonorrhea. And cheated on me. Shining example of a happy relationship right there.” Babe threw the baseball up in the air, flexing his wrist just the right way to get it to curve. “I went with Doris because it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to let the family down, you know? She probably knew before I did. It just wasn’t going to work out. And I,” Babe paused.
This was different from telling his parents, Julian was his bro, going back to second grade. “I’ve always been attracted to guys, but I didn’t know who to ask, who to talk to. Ralph’s uncle Gabe was the first person to take me aside and let me know what’s-what. It was only after Tony came out that I knew someone else out there understood.”
“Did you and Tony ever?” Julian asked.
Babe sat up and shook his head in disbelief. “For fuck’s sake, Julian. Tony’s more my brother than Jimmy. Nah, man. Tony just took me to support groups, introduced my parents around the local PFLAG chapter, shit like that. You know I’m not allowed to date until we graduate. I can’t tell you how I knew, I just did. It’s different for everyone, you know? Can’t just flip and switch and be all ‘Oh, I’m gay.’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“And the old heads down at Murphy’s don’t care?” he asked.
“They’re too busy hazing me with all their crazy drink concoctions. You don’t want to know the shit I’ve had to make these past few weeks.”
Julian flopped onto his back, sending dust bunnies flying up from the floor. “I wonder if this is how it’s going to be from now on?”
“How what’s going to be?” Babe asked. Julian was all over the place right now. Maybe they should cut back on the sugar. Definitely no beer for Julian tonight.
Julian waved his hands about. “Just you and me, doing this, every Friday night.”
It was good to know Babe wasn’t the only one having fucked-up thoughts right now. He slapped Julian on top of the head. “Dude, Bill and Ralph are going to college. They’re going to college here, it ain’t like they’re running across country.”
“I know that,” Julian said. “But Bill also has his Army Reserve shit to go through and they’re both going to have all those college things to do.”
Julian honestly looked scared. It must be terrifying for someone with no older siblings who never had to watch someone grow up and leave. To never know the difference between growing-up and growing apart.
“No one’s leaving you behind, Julian. We’re brothers, we’re here for each other. Whether it’s using my bar tips to pay off Bill’s bookie, or helping Ralph study for his entrance exams, or helping you learn geometry. We’re always here, always together. No college, no physical distance is going to change that. You never forget your brothers, no matter where you go. They’re always a part of you, you hear me?”
“Yeah, Babe, I got ya,” he said.
“Good,” he reached for his wallet and pulled out a $20. He dropped it on Julian’s chest and said, “ Now, go out, get some pizza, talk to some girls. I got to get down to Murphy’s. Those kegs ain’t moving themselves and I sure as shit ain’t making any tips talking to you.”
“You still saving up for that Triumph bike?” Julian asked. He pocketed the twenty with a quiet nod. Certain things just didn’t need thank-yous.
“Every little bit counts,” Babe said.
“You’ve been saving for four years,” he pointed out.
Babe shrugged. “Had to pay for school, food, uniforms, work clothes, bartending school. Saving up for college. Want to make that European road trip with Ralph. I’ll get it eventually. No need to rush. I ain’t leaving Pennsport anytime soon.”
“Yeah, like you have anywhere better to be.”
“No where in the world,” Babe said, and it was true. He knew, from the stress lines in his parents' faces to the hours Joey and Jimmy worked providing for the family, that he was lucky right now. Nothing was holding him back once he graduated school. He could work a few months, save his money, and just get out on the road and disappear.
Pennsport was home though. South Philly was his life, his world. He wasn’t ready to go beyond that yet. For now his borders were the Delaware and the city lines. Things might change in the next months, the next few years, but for now Babe just had to finish high school, survive the summer, and keep his head up.
Who knew what Autumn would bring.
Rating: PG-ish, Babe also has a dirty mouth, and, you know, teenagers.
Characters: Babe, Bill, Spina, Julian and family members. Gen.
Summary:A day in the life of Babe Heffron, aged seventeen years and eleven months.
Disclaimer: This is all fiction based off the characters as portrayed in the HBO mini-series. No disrespect is meant.
A/N:Unbeated. Character sketch/history gone wild. Title and cut text from The Gaslight Anthem’s Orphans
April 2001
Philadelphia raised tough youths, South Philly streets contributed largely to that population. If it wasn’t the crime that got you, there was just something about the city that drew sharper edges and harsher words out of the kindest of people. Especially towards outsiders. South Philly had its own attitudes, its own traditions, and god help those who tried to threaten the status quo. You grew up in the area, you came with a badge of pride. It was an enclave of various ethnic groups, both recent immigrants and those who arrived centuries ago. It used to be full of working-class, but that was changing as people tried to gentrify the area. Even South Philly had to go through the the typical life cycle of an urban neighborhood.
Still South Philly held at its core a strong tie of identity, family and community. It meant something to come from here, go to school here, live here for generations. People left but they came back. It was more than just your family’s home, it was your neighborhood.
Each neighborhood had their own group of kids, who swaggered down the streets and acted like they owned everyone. Arrogance of youth, and they’d all been there, so as long as they kept their selves in check, the community indulged them. In Pennsport the Guarnere and Heffron families were always a part of this group, going back to World War II. The whole neighborhood took pride in their achievements, let them have it when they fucked up, hid them when the cops or the Mafia came by for some stupid stunt they pulled. You didn’t just come from your parents if you were in Pennsport, you came from everyone on your block.
Babe Heffron grew up with these ideals ingrained in his being as strong and familiar as the Hail Mary. And here he was, facing the end of his senior year and still had no clue what to do with his future in Pennsport, South Philly. His best friends, Bill Guarnere, Ralph Spina, and John Julian all had their paths set out, but Babe, Babe was going to be somewhere in-between.
Babe never wanted to go to parochial school but it was a family tradition. As the middle of five kids, he really thought that after Joe and Jimmy passed through Saint Joseph of Cupertino’s hallowed halls he’d get a shot at South Philadelphia High School. No such luck and with an academic scholarship to boot, his later teenage years were spent sweating over grades just to stay in high school. There was no money for college, not in a family of five with a dad who worked as a prison guard and a mom who worked for a bakery, while pulling her own night school classes. To be honest, Babe didn’t want to go to college. He’d never really been taken by an academic subject. He liked music and could sing decent enough not to embarrass himself, but it was hardly a career making voice. He could play some baseball, but knew he didn't have the talent to make it to the Majors. Babe was okay with his choices. It was cold comfort though, when everyone else around you was waving their admission packets and talking about frat houses.
Everyone else just seemed to know. Ralph already had nursing and EMT classes under his belt. His college plans so far included a dedicated nursing program. Bill was going to the Army Reserve, being one of the kids who needed military money to go to school. To be fair, Bill planned on going into the Army anyway, but this way he could make Ma Guarnere's dreams come true with a college degree. Julian would take over his part in the family’s body shop. And Babe? He’d probably be working construction with his Uncle Frank. Or continue his work as a barback for Murphy’s Hill. He could start full time bartending soon and there was decent money there. Combine the two and he could save for college, or a house, or whatever was in his future.
Right now though, sitting in the old, cracking, poor-lit basement classroom where he studied English Literature, Babe just felt stifled. Even the familiar image of Jesus, Mary and the Sacred Heart couldn’t distract him from all the thoughts in his head.
To his right, Spina was plowing through yet another registration packet. On his left, Bill was writing out a version of his last will and testament. Again. Ma Guarnere demanded it. He couldn’t see Julian behind him, but he sounded like he was sleeping. They were so close to the end of their senior year that no one was paying attention to Mr. Scott’s impassioned speech on Hamlet. To be or not to be; To thine own self be true, that was the last shit Babe needed to hear right now.
It almost felt like a blessing when Mass rolled around.
Babe wasn’t the most religious guy in the world. He certainly didn’t take to heart all the dogma spit out in the Catechism. He felt like the current edition of the Bible was the longest-running game of Telephone in the history of mankind. Being gay certainly meant he didn’t feel an open-arms welcome under the roofs of the cathedrals that raised him. Still, there was something about being inside a church that moved him. The stain glassed windows, the incense, the Stations of the Cross, the crucifix watching down on them all from the altar. It made him feel tiny, not insignificant, just helped him put things in perspective. Let him think. Let his body and mouth follow the ingrained rituals while his mind got to rest. It didn’t make him the best Catholic in the world, but that wasn’t a title he was running for, so no loss there.
Babe knew things changed, they always did, law of the universe right there, and it wasn’t exactly like he was standing still. He just had to wait, and how did that song go? Waiting is the hardest part. Tom Petty didn’t have to sound so friggin' smug when he sang it, and really, what the fuck did a rock star know?
Members of the student choir got up to sing the Ave Maria. The next few weeks would be full of worship and church services, both here and at home, as Easter came roaring through. End of Lent, thank god, since Babe always wanted a hamburger on Fridays.
The eyes burning into the back of his skull during Mass told him Bill knew something was up. Bill always knew. Babe just shook it off and tried to let the familiar tones of the Regina Coeli wash over him. He’d deal with Bill later.
********
Ralph was the only one with a car and the only one any of their parents trusted with driving. Babe had his motorcycle, a hand-me-down from Joey, but he loved it all the same. Bill had his own two feet and a TransPass. Julian, well, Julian’s parents were over-protective of their only son and didn’t like him leaving Pennsport. They lived close enough to school they could walk it easy, but there was still a bite in the air and Ralph’s dad paid for parking anyway, so they took advantage of it while they could.
Julian’s tie was undone and shirt untucked before they even left school. Ralph pulled on his hat the minute they passed through the doorway. Babe and Bill came from the multi-generations of St. Joe’s alumni and knew better than to be anything less than poised and perfect before they were off school grounds. Father Mike had no qualms about calling their grandmothers, much less their moms.
“It’s going to have to be a quick drive today, guys,” Ralph said. “Mia will rip my balls off if we’re late to that show in North Jersey.”
“Isn’t it in the basement of a VFW Hall? That’s a long ass trip for a date,” Julian said.
Ralph nodded. “It’s her birthday present. I’m paying for the gas and any merch she wants. Cheaper than buying a bracelet or something, you know?”
“You say that now,” Babe muttered. He liked Mia, even if she tried to pierce as many metal objects into various parts of her body as possible. She was cool and one of the few people he still talked to from bartending school. Her and Ralph weren’t too serious, but they were having fun. If Babe had to live vicariously through someone else’s relationship he’d rather it be Mia and Ralph than Bill and Fran. Fran scared Babe shitless.
It was just, Mia had a thing for drummers. It was one of the first things she told him. Ralph, who could take a pulse, give CPR, and administer aid in a heartbeat, couldn’t sing or play a musical instrument to save his life. There was that really bad try out for orchestra no one ever talked about as proof. Which is why Ralph joined the knitting club for his extracurricular and got out of freezing his ass off on the ice with the intramural hockey team and soaking in the rain with the marching band.
“Do you know something, Babe?” Ralph asked.
“Keep her away from the drummer,” he said.
“Shit, son, I knew that,” Ralph said. He took a sharp turn, avoided some kids playing football in the street, and swerved right into curb in front of Bill and Babe’s stoop. “That’ll be $10.50.”
“How about I not punch you in the face and Babe goes along for your next STD test,” Bill said.
“That shit ain’t funny, Guarnere,” Ralph said.
“Neither is syphilis,” Bill said. He opened his wallet and threw a condom at Ralph’s head. “There’s your tip. Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll see you Sunday.”
How the altar of Our Lady did not actually burst into flames with Ralph and Bill as servers was a mystery Babe pondered each Sunday. And on Ash Wednesdays. Especially on Ash Wednesdays.
Babe slapped Ralph on the back of his head, knocking his cap off. “Call me when you get home, Spina, or I’ll send Maggie after you.”
“And what’s brace face going to do? Blind me to death with all her metal?” Ralph asked.
“Don’t mock the orthodontically challenged,” Babe answered. He crawled out of the car, waving them off. He’d see Julian later tonight, but for now it was afternoon snack time at Bill’s. He may be seventeen, but damn good Italian food was better than any of the crap Babe could get out of the cabinets. And it was a tradition, one that wouldn’t last for very much longer.
The Guarnere house really was a second home. They shared a wall with the Heffrons. Their parents grew up together, their older siblings played with each other and then babysat Bill and the younger Heffrons. Babe sometimes felt more comfortable here than in his own room. Probably because these days the Guarnere house was mostly quiet except for dinnertime. Bill, the baby, had his own bedroom, bathroom, and fire escape. It had a hell of a lot more privacy than the bunk-beds Babe shared with Johnny and the bathroom he shared with Maggie.
They spent as much time as they could out on the fire escape. Both Bill and Babe liked to look out over the city, over the river, to everyone milling about below. As soon as it warmed up enough, they were out here. It was probably too cold to be out today, but it was warm for Spring in Philly.
Babe let his feet dangle between the bars, getting rust all over his slacks. He smoked one of the cigarettes Evie Guarnere smuggled into the house on her last stay. Bill was on the windowsill, staring hard at Babe’s head when he wasn’t distracted by some plane flying above them.
“Babe, I ask this as your life-long friend and someone who knows you better than your own self, what the fuck is going on?”
Babe flicked the contraband cigarette, watching the ash float in the breeze.
“I don’t fucking know, Bill.” He shrugged, rolling the cigarette back and forth between his fingers. “That’s the problem. I just don’t know.”
Bill crawled outside and nudged him in the back. “Babe, you’re too young to be having a mid-life crisis,” he said.
“Is that right, old man?” he asked. Bill was a whole month older than Babe, even if he thought that month was like five years. Bill would be eighteen in two weeks, not the sixty he acted.
“If I say it than it must be true.” Bill leaned back on the fire escape. “You ain’t stupid, Babe, and don’t go thinking you are because you’re not doing this college bullshit like the rest of us right now. You’re a middle kid and that sucks because you’re always going to be in the middle. But Babe, you’re doing the right thing. You’re working and saving money. Getting life skills that most kids ain’t gonna have while they go drinking and puking their brains outs on their parents’ dime. You’re graduating from one of the best schools in Philly and no one can take that away from you. So the fuck what if you don’t follow the path everyone else does. You’re Babe Heffron, one of Pennsport’s finest, and you don’t have to live your life by some manual.” Bill punched him on the arm. “And if anyone gives you shit, tell ‘em to fuck off and die. Better yet, I’ll come after them and shove my foot so far up their asses they’ll be choking on their goddamn words.”
Babe smiled. “You always say the sweetest things, Bill,” he cooed.
Bill shrugged. “It’s a gift.”
“Will you boys come off of that damn thing before you get yourselves killed,” Ma Guarnere yelled. “Come inside, Carmella’s just brought over a pan of gnocchi.”
“Be down in a second, Ma,” Bill said. He turned to Babe. “So, can your life crisis go on pause long enough to taste some of the best gnocchi in all of Pennsylvania?”
Babe smiled. Carmella really was a great cook and Babe was kind of hungry. “Not like I have anywhere else to be.”
“That’s the spirit,” Bill said.
********
Babe laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling of Julian’s room. The whole house held trace scents of auto paint. Even though he’d been coming here since second grade, his nostrils still burnt when taking in the smell.
Julian had the typical teenage boy room, posters of J. Lo, girls in bikinis and race cars. Still had a whole platoon of green army men on one of the shelves. Babe shared his room with his little brother Johnny, and never was into girls in bikinis or race cars, so his room had to be more sedate. Ma let him put up a few pictures of Triumphs, and just kept her mouth shut over the George Clooney and Johnny Depp posters. She encouraged classic rock, so he had original poster prints of The Beatles and The Jimmy Hendrix Experience in place of Julian’s Metallica and Limp Bizkit.
At least Julian’s room wasn’t like Bill’s, with a picture of Jesus and the Virgin Mary staring down on his every move. Spina had human anatomy charts and pictures of the solar system. It kind of cracked Babe up that Julian was the stereotypical teenage boy out of them all and the only who’d never kissed a girl, much less been on a date.
Not that Babe was dating much these days. His family were nothing but supportive over Babe coming out, but his Ma made him promise to leave off dating other men until after he graduated from Saint Joseph’s. It annoyed the shit out of Babe, but he could see the wisdom it not doing anything that could get him expelled with only months left. The Diocese was worse than the military when it came to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Which pretty much explained why he spent his Friday nights lounging on Julian’s bedroom floor while Bill tried to convince Frannie that he really was serious about this ‘exclusive relationship’ business and Ralph took Mia to concerts. Babe really needed to find something more fascinating than the ceiling, but his shift started at 10 pm, so it was best to relax now. Fridays during baseball season were hell.
“Ran into Tony down at Geno’s,” Julian said, bursting into the room. “He gave me a whole box of cannolis,”
“Original or chocolate?”
“Chocolate chip.”
“Give ‘em here,” Babe said, holding out his hand. He sat up, accepting the paper plate and napkin full of ricotta goodness.
“You better make some sort of work-out plan once we leave St. Joe’s or you’re going to get the fattest ass in all of South Philly,” Julian said with a mouth full.
“I figured I’d just run up the Rocky Steps,” Babe said. It actually wasn’t far from the truth for his future exercise regiment.
“I’d pay good money to see you fall flat on your ass going up those,” Julian said.
“Please, you’ll be right beside me playing Gonna Fly Now.”
Julian shook his head. “I was thinking Eye of the Tiger.”
“Nah, if I’m gonna act like a tourist, I’m going with the authentic feel.”
“And I don’t have a boom box lying around to carry after you.”
“There’s got to be one in the Guarnere attic. Remember Halloween of ’97?”
“Classic 80s movie characters?” Julian asked.
“Yeah,” Babe said, “Bill was going to do Lloyd Dobler, but then he went for John Bender.”
“We should do that again,” Julian said. “We kicked ass that year.”
“I don’t think Ralph can take any more Wyld Stallyns jokes.”
Babe looked up when there was no reply from Julian. Normally he’d be bragging about his Ferris Bueller success, winning with his rendition of Twist and Shout. This time was different. Julian was looking at him all serious. It was not a common look for John Julian.
“What, is my head on fire or something?” Babe asked.
“Nah,” Julian said, shaking his head in the negative. “It’s just,” he stopped and chewed on his lip. “So, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How’d ya know you were gay? I mean, you went with Doris.”
Babe was wondering when this would come up. He’d only been out since January and everyone else had the heart-to-hearts with him except Julian. Babe picked up one of the baseballs littering the bedroom floor. He ran his fingers across the stitches and tried to think of the best way to respond. It was kind of hard to explain Doris and the subsequent I’m Gay speech after that relationship imploded.
Babe decided to go with the sarcastic approach.“Yeah and she gave my gonorrhea. And cheated on me. Shining example of a happy relationship right there.” Babe threw the baseball up in the air, flexing his wrist just the right way to get it to curve. “I went with Doris because it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t want to let the family down, you know? She probably knew before I did. It just wasn’t going to work out. And I,” Babe paused.
This was different from telling his parents, Julian was his bro, going back to second grade. “I’ve always been attracted to guys, but I didn’t know who to ask, who to talk to. Ralph’s uncle Gabe was the first person to take me aside and let me know what’s-what. It was only after Tony came out that I knew someone else out there understood.”
“Did you and Tony ever?” Julian asked.
Babe sat up and shook his head in disbelief. “For fuck’s sake, Julian. Tony’s more my brother than Jimmy. Nah, man. Tony just took me to support groups, introduced my parents around the local PFLAG chapter, shit like that. You know I’m not allowed to date until we graduate. I can’t tell you how I knew, I just did. It’s different for everyone, you know? Can’t just flip and switch and be all ‘Oh, I’m gay.’ It doesn’t work like that.”
“And the old heads down at Murphy’s don’t care?” he asked.
“They’re too busy hazing me with all their crazy drink concoctions. You don’t want to know the shit I’ve had to make these past few weeks.”
Julian flopped onto his back, sending dust bunnies flying up from the floor. “I wonder if this is how it’s going to be from now on?”
“How what’s going to be?” Babe asked. Julian was all over the place right now. Maybe they should cut back on the sugar. Definitely no beer for Julian tonight.
Julian waved his hands about. “Just you and me, doing this, every Friday night.”
It was good to know Babe wasn’t the only one having fucked-up thoughts right now. He slapped Julian on top of the head. “Dude, Bill and Ralph are going to college. They’re going to college here, it ain’t like they’re running across country.”
“I know that,” Julian said. “But Bill also has his Army Reserve shit to go through and they’re both going to have all those college things to do.”
Julian honestly looked scared. It must be terrifying for someone with no older siblings who never had to watch someone grow up and leave. To never know the difference between growing-up and growing apart.
“No one’s leaving you behind, Julian. We’re brothers, we’re here for each other. Whether it’s using my bar tips to pay off Bill’s bookie, or helping Ralph study for his entrance exams, or helping you learn geometry. We’re always here, always together. No college, no physical distance is going to change that. You never forget your brothers, no matter where you go. They’re always a part of you, you hear me?”
“Yeah, Babe, I got ya,” he said.
“Good,” he reached for his wallet and pulled out a $20. He dropped it on Julian’s chest and said, “ Now, go out, get some pizza, talk to some girls. I got to get down to Murphy’s. Those kegs ain’t moving themselves and I sure as shit ain’t making any tips talking to you.”
“You still saving up for that Triumph bike?” Julian asked. He pocketed the twenty with a quiet nod. Certain things just didn’t need thank-yous.
“Every little bit counts,” Babe said.
“You’ve been saving for four years,” he pointed out.
Babe shrugged. “Had to pay for school, food, uniforms, work clothes, bartending school. Saving up for college. Want to make that European road trip with Ralph. I’ll get it eventually. No need to rush. I ain’t leaving Pennsport anytime soon.”
“Yeah, like you have anywhere better to be.”
“No where in the world,” Babe said, and it was true. He knew, from the stress lines in his parents' faces to the hours Joey and Jimmy worked providing for the family, that he was lucky right now. Nothing was holding him back once he graduated school. He could work a few months, save his money, and just get out on the road and disappear.
Pennsport was home though. South Philly was his life, his world. He wasn’t ready to go beyond that yet. For now his borders were the Delaware and the city lines. Things might change in the next months, the next few years, but for now Babe just had to finish high school, survive the summer, and keep his head up.
Who knew what Autumn would bring.