336
It's 6 am and I can't sleep, again.
I know anyone older than me is going to roll their eyes at me for saying this, but I'm 20 years old and I feel old. I already feel like my life is running out. Like there isn't enough time to get to where I wanna be.
I've spent my whole life (up to this point) pushing my age. When I was in third grade I couldn't wait to be in sixth so I could be one of the 'big kids' in the school. When I was finally in middle school I pushed for eighth. When I reached high school I signed up for the very first driver's ed. class. I had my license two days after I turned 16. I couldn't wait to be 18 so I was a legal adult. As soon as I turned 18 I started counting down to 21. Now I'm ten months off of 21, and I'm looking forward to 30. I keep pushing to be old enough to be married, settle down, buy a 300,000 dollar house that I'll own 30 years and $1.5 million in interest later. Have kids.
I have to physically force myself to slow down. Why can't I just be what I currently am? An unmarried college aged girl with (at the moment) zero responsibility? Where's the need to live a little? To get out and explore the world? I could pack a bag today and just leave this house; try living all over the country; wander. And all I can think about is what type of career will net me the type of home that I want to spend the rest of my life buying. Why do I insist on dreaming about a career and a mortgage and two cars in the garage and 3.5 kids...?
And the thing that really drove all of this home (and made me get up and come down here) is that when I asked my 22 year old boyfriend where he saw himself at the age of 30, all he could think about was how much closer that put him to being a 15 year old Dagorhir veteran.
Now is he having maturity issues, or do I have a growing-up-too-fast problem? I can't answer myself anymore. o_O
Later.
I know anyone older than me is going to roll their eyes at me for saying this, but I'm 20 years old and I feel old. I already feel like my life is running out. Like there isn't enough time to get to where I wanna be.
I've spent my whole life (up to this point) pushing my age. When I was in third grade I couldn't wait to be in sixth so I could be one of the 'big kids' in the school. When I was finally in middle school I pushed for eighth. When I reached high school I signed up for the very first driver's ed. class. I had my license two days after I turned 16. I couldn't wait to be 18 so I was a legal adult. As soon as I turned 18 I started counting down to 21. Now I'm ten months off of 21, and I'm looking forward to 30. I keep pushing to be old enough to be married, settle down, buy a 300,000 dollar house that I'll own 30 years and $1.5 million in interest later. Have kids.
I have to physically force myself to slow down. Why can't I just be what I currently am? An unmarried college aged girl with (at the moment) zero responsibility? Where's the need to live a little? To get out and explore the world? I could pack a bag today and just leave this house; try living all over the country; wander. And all I can think about is what type of career will net me the type of home that I want to spend the rest of my life buying. Why do I insist on dreaming about a career and a mortgage and two cars in the garage and 3.5 kids...?
And the thing that really drove all of this home (and made me get up and come down here) is that when I asked my 22 year old boyfriend where he saw himself at the age of 30, all he could think about was how much closer that put him to being a 15 year old Dagorhir veteran.
Now is he having maturity issues, or do I have a growing-up-too-fast problem? I can't answer myself anymore. o_O
Later.