402
I came down here to whine about my life, and now that I'm here, I don't feel that it's worth wasted everyone else's time, so I'll try not to.
o_O
My cold still hasn't passed, though it's on it's way out of my system right now. I normally depend on cold medication to help me take care of these things, or at least to calm the symptoms until they're gone, but I just coughed my way through this one.
I did have the help of my sister's extra breathing machine.
What scares me is, I keep checking to see how much albuterol is left, and I'm constantly worrying over what to do when it runs out, which is the first thing I've ever noticed about my smoking habits that truly frightens me. And I want to smoke again so badly. I never wanted to give it up or even pull back on it. But I haven't bought any cigarettes since before Badon.
But I also never wanted to be so dependent on machines and medicine again. I hate the fact that sleep isn't possible until I've taken a twenty minute treatment and one of those steroid pills..prednizone or whatever. That I need to physically distract myself in a multitude of ways in order to keep from getting irritable, snapping at my fiance, and running to the store with his little sister to buy a pack, claiming that I have to smoke so I won't fight with him. I make excuses for a bad habit and an addiction.
Currently, in order to prevent all of those bad things, I have to keep chocolate or jolly ranchers next to the bed at night (Heroine addict?). I also do belly dance tapes. Once I can afford some more fabric, I can continue sewing, and try and sew better garb, and inch my way towards professional garb. Once I can afford to, I'm going to kick start the wire jewelry thing. After I can get to Penguin music and buy some rosin, I can go back to practicing fiddle. At the moment all I can do is go through Gretchen's method books in pizzicato. And that doesn't work well when slurs are involved, damnit.
I'm absolutely in love with my violin, by the way. :D Mom doesn't understand it. She wanted to know how I could be so blissfully happy with a cheap, run down, barely staying in tune violin when Gretchen insisted on getting the new one, and I told her the answer is simple: It was free. I really wanted to start it up and didn't have to drop a dime on the instrument. It turned out better than I could ever have hoped. PLUS--the notches in the wood don't affect the playability, but rather add to the atmosphere of one traveling with a fiddle. :D Which I like.
At this point all I can do is focus very hard on those few positives, and hope that my job search doesn't continue to be fruitless. Also, hockey season starts next week, Ace of Cakes comes on tomorrow, and Kaylynn and I might go play Bingo on Friday night. Nate and I are going to take my sisters to an apple orchard next week, and I am at least earning that $20 a week selling bingo tickets. At least.
Night loves.
o_O
My cold still hasn't passed, though it's on it's way out of my system right now. I normally depend on cold medication to help me take care of these things, or at least to calm the symptoms until they're gone, but I just coughed my way through this one.
I did have the help of my sister's extra breathing machine.
What scares me is, I keep checking to see how much albuterol is left, and I'm constantly worrying over what to do when it runs out, which is the first thing I've ever noticed about my smoking habits that truly frightens me. And I want to smoke again so badly. I never wanted to give it up or even pull back on it. But I haven't bought any cigarettes since before Badon.
But I also never wanted to be so dependent on machines and medicine again. I hate the fact that sleep isn't possible until I've taken a twenty minute treatment and one of those steroid pills..prednizone or whatever. That I need to physically distract myself in a multitude of ways in order to keep from getting irritable, snapping at my fiance, and running to the store with his little sister to buy a pack, claiming that I have to smoke so I won't fight with him. I make excuses for a bad habit and an addiction.
Currently, in order to prevent all of those bad things, I have to keep chocolate or jolly ranchers next to the bed at night (Heroine addict?). I also do belly dance tapes. Once I can afford some more fabric, I can continue sewing, and try and sew better garb, and inch my way towards professional garb. Once I can afford to, I'm going to kick start the wire jewelry thing. After I can get to Penguin music and buy some rosin, I can go back to practicing fiddle. At the moment all I can do is go through Gretchen's method books in pizzicato. And that doesn't work well when slurs are involved, damnit.
I'm absolutely in love with my violin, by the way. :D Mom doesn't understand it. She wanted to know how I could be so blissfully happy with a cheap, run down, barely staying in tune violin when Gretchen insisted on getting the new one, and I told her the answer is simple: It was free. I really wanted to start it up and didn't have to drop a dime on the instrument. It turned out better than I could ever have hoped. PLUS--the notches in the wood don't affect the playability, but rather add to the atmosphere of one traveling with a fiddle. :D Which I like.
At this point all I can do is focus very hard on those few positives, and hope that my job search doesn't continue to be fruitless. Also, hockey season starts next week, Ace of Cakes comes on tomorrow, and Kaylynn and I might go play Bingo on Friday night. Nate and I are going to take my sisters to an apple orchard next week, and I am at least earning that $20 a week selling bingo tickets. At least.
Night loves.