(no subject)
i feel like a horrible person. i have given myself one task to complete for one person who is beyond important to me and i keep procrastinating it. i keep telling myself it's because i don't have time. but i have time, i always have time. you know time isn't as elusive as we all think. i measure time in days and hours but really there's only the day i was born and the day i die. that's my time. you'd think i'd have enough time in that span to make an effing scrapbook...
maybe it's not really time at all that's keeping me from completing it. maybe it's some psychoanalytical freud condition. i look at this project as the last substantial thing i will ever give or do for her. what happens when i'm done? i can't just keep doing grand gestures over and over. it starts to lose it's essence. i want her to really appreciate this, to really love it. not love like a love for her sewing machine but a love like you love a person. attachment. i want this to have have an attachment to her, to latch on like a leach. because i haven't even started the damn thing and i'm attached.
now all i'm doing is hyping it up so huge in my head that i'll never finish it. damnit..
"He ordered a cup of coffee, slowly spooned sugar into it, tasted it (a pleasure that had been forbidden him in the clinic), and thought, while he stroked the cat's black fur, that this contact was illusory, that he and the cat were separated as though by a pane of glass, because man lives in time, in successiveness, while the magical animal lives in the present, in the eternity of the instant." --Jorge Luis Borges
maybe it's not really time at all that's keeping me from completing it. maybe it's some psychoanalytical freud condition. i look at this project as the last substantial thing i will ever give or do for her. what happens when i'm done? i can't just keep doing grand gestures over and over. it starts to lose it's essence. i want her to really appreciate this, to really love it. not love like a love for her sewing machine but a love like you love a person. attachment. i want this to have have an attachment to her, to latch on like a leach. because i haven't even started the damn thing and i'm attached.
now all i'm doing is hyping it up so huge in my head that i'll never finish it. damnit..
"He ordered a cup of coffee, slowly spooned sugar into it, tasted it (a pleasure that had been forbidden him in the clinic), and thought, while he stroked the cat's black fur, that this contact was illusory, that he and the cat were separated as though by a pane of glass, because man lives in time, in successiveness, while the magical animal lives in the present, in the eternity of the instant." --Jorge Luis Borges