These days...
These days, I sit around my desk anticipating what I'm about to do next. I sit here, looking at a room that isn't really mine and thinking about moving in August. I think about the next day and what things I have to do and then I think to the present and what I have to do. I don't do it though. I don't really have a why or a why not, simply, I would do it, but I don't.
I have a lot of things that I don't think about. Like school work. Like bills. Like everything that's wrong. There's days that I can't even open my email. I didn't open livejournal for the longest time because it felt too much like I had to make decisions and write about something- which meant reflecting on life and I didn't want that.
Sometimes I want a cocoon that has things to keep me occupied but not enough to make any impact- any impact at all.
Work is fine. I'm scared that the MCRC dance event won't go well and I'll be fired- but I figure if I work at it, that shouldn't happen. Besides, I enjoy work, where things get accomplished and they don't seem to need rocket science effort.
Family on the other hand... It's too scary to be completely alone and yet what I have, it's too scary to admit that it's mine. Things are starting to look better, little things like flies, how it just all falls down one by one and dies. Things like that.
I'm okay. I have a lot of time to think, and thinking is good. But thinking can be not good because there's not enough to distract me from not thinking. I'll just have to fiddle my thumbs and think and not think at the same time. If that can be accomplished, then everything can be.
I have a lot of things that I don't think about. Like school work. Like bills. Like everything that's wrong. There's days that I can't even open my email. I didn't open livejournal for the longest time because it felt too much like I had to make decisions and write about something- which meant reflecting on life and I didn't want that.
Sometimes I want a cocoon that has things to keep me occupied but not enough to make any impact- any impact at all.
Work is fine. I'm scared that the MCRC dance event won't go well and I'll be fired- but I figure if I work at it, that shouldn't happen. Besides, I enjoy work, where things get accomplished and they don't seem to need rocket science effort.
Family on the other hand... It's too scary to be completely alone and yet what I have, it's too scary to admit that it's mine. Things are starting to look better, little things like flies, how it just all falls down one by one and dies. Things like that.
I'm okay. I have a lot of time to think, and thinking is good. But thinking can be not good because there's not enough to distract me from not thinking. I'll just have to fiddle my thumbs and think and not think at the same time. If that can be accomplished, then everything can be.
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