here I stand
I don't write in this at all but I thought that it would be better than writing somewhere else where more people could read it,I am not great at showing weakness...I cry when animals die and when something sad happens in movies but I don't really cry other wise like if something bad happens to my family I don't cry I don't why that it is I think I have cut off my emotions...I am always the strong one when everyone else falls apart I don't and its hard sometimes because sometimes I want to break down but I don't I have 2 younger brothers and a sister and they are too young to know when something bad is happening and usually I have to be here with them while my mom and stepdad or sometimes even my uncle go and find out what is going on I don't cry...sometimes I cry but its not very long and then I am back out with them being strong again.
My grandma is like my best friend i can tell her anything in the world...she has been in and out of the hospital in the last couple months and to be honest if she were to die right now I think she would be better off shes not happy and she misses her husband he died a long time ago and shes always telling me how much she misses him..i think she deserves to be with him shes suffered enough...I would miss her but I think that if i want to be a selfless person that I need to let that go and focus on what she wants and how she needs to be happy and shes not happy here and I think it may be time to let her go.
My family has had a rough time we have gone through a lot and for some reason everyone else gets to break down but me...sometimes I don't think its fair at all but thats the way life goes.
...I never understood why I never cried when people died but cried when pets died and I think I know why now...People have left me for years and I taught myself not to get close to someone because they would just leave me anyways and so because of that I think that I don't have any emotion when a person dies but animals have never left me on purpose only by death and they are loyal to me they don't hurt me or make me feel bad about anything and I think thats why I feel more when an animal dies then a person.
I am always smiling and laughing and joking around...i stopped feeling stuff a long time ago thats my defense against people some people get numb by not feeling or by acting tough or mean but I am numb by being happy or by pretending to be but its not true all the time...I don't know how to cry when it counts and I have not cried in front of my family in a while i don't know what to do.
Lately I feel selfish when it comes to certain things because I vent to people and they listen and try to help me and then when they go through something and tell me I don't know what do say or do and it sucks I used to be the one that had all the answers but it seems now that I don't want to be that person anymore I hate being the person that has to fix things...I think that i got used way too much and now I just don't care.
This is getting long but I had to get all this off my chest...
My grandma is like my best friend i can tell her anything in the world...she has been in and out of the hospital in the last couple months and to be honest if she were to die right now I think she would be better off shes not happy and she misses her husband he died a long time ago and shes always telling me how much she misses him..i think she deserves to be with him shes suffered enough...I would miss her but I think that if i want to be a selfless person that I need to let that go and focus on what she wants and how she needs to be happy and shes not happy here and I think it may be time to let her go.
My family has had a rough time we have gone through a lot and for some reason everyone else gets to break down but me...sometimes I don't think its fair at all but thats the way life goes.
...I never understood why I never cried when people died but cried when pets died and I think I know why now...People have left me for years and I taught myself not to get close to someone because they would just leave me anyways and so because of that I think that I don't have any emotion when a person dies but animals have never left me on purpose only by death and they are loyal to me they don't hurt me or make me feel bad about anything and I think thats why I feel more when an animal dies then a person.
I am always smiling and laughing and joking around...i stopped feeling stuff a long time ago thats my defense against people some people get numb by not feeling or by acting tough or mean but I am numb by being happy or by pretending to be but its not true all the time...I don't know how to cry when it counts and I have not cried in front of my family in a while i don't know what to do.
Lately I feel selfish when it comes to certain things because I vent to people and they listen and try to help me and then when they go through something and tell me I don't know what do say or do and it sucks I used to be the one that had all the answers but it seems now that I don't want to be that person anymore I hate being the person that has to fix things...I think that i got used way too much and now I just don't care.
This is getting long but I had to get all this off my chest...