Pride and F'in Prejudice
Guys - I've just gone to see the trailer for the new Pride and Prejudice remake with Keira Knightley and I can't even stress how much I'd like to throw myself out the window of the library but since I'm on the first floor, it wouldn't do anything, so then I'd finish the job by stomping on my own head. First of all, as inconsequential as this is, it opens the same day as GOF. Fucktards. No one is going to go becuase they'll all be at GOF. Whoever does go is going to shoot themselves and wish they had gone to see GOF instead, but it won't matter because they'll already be dead. Here's a list of things that are wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong:
1) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY! GEEZ! I don't like Keira, maybe you have figured that out, but I'm going to be really objective and pinpoint the reasons down. It's her mouth first of all. She does this teeth gritting thing that's supposed to be really dramatic. Like, I am in the thralls of anger, I can't even take it, therefore I must talk through my teeth. NO! You don't have to. Fucker! It's awful. Does ANYONE think this is effective? Tell me, damn it, be strong. I can talk your opinion ... and trash it. j/k
2) DARCY!!!! Actually, let's say this is problem number one. He's ridiculous. REEEE-DICULOUS! He looks fine enough, but christ, can he act? Can he at least pretend that he's super excited to be playing this wonderful part that people would die to have? Although again, that's not really much help if they're already dead. But he's fucking boring as a door jam. BORING! And yes, Darcy has this aloof attitude that could potentially be misinterpreted as boring, but it's not! It's intensity. It's confidence to the irritatingly confident. It's you-suck-and-I-couldn't-care-if-you-fell-down-a-hill...actually-please-do-and-then-I-won't-have-to-suffer-your-presence-any-longer. Okay, maybe not, but AAHHHH!!! RARRR! I'm tearing out my hair! And I know all of you are saying, SE, you're being a drama queen, but if you had the connections I have with the dear P&P and wonderful Mr. Darcy, you'd be behaving this way also.
3) Bingley and Collins - RETARDED!
4) And this is really important: HALF THE TRAILER THEY USED THE SAME MUSIC FROM THE SOUNDTRACK OF LOVE ACTUALLY. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN DO THIS? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE PRODUCER OF BOTH MOVIES DOESN'T GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO BE UNCREATIVE. Get your own fucking music! And don't really on the popularity of one movie to earn props for another.
5) Knightley has short hair. Which looks atrocious. What woman in 19th century England had short hair? There are better (and more SUBTLE) ways to indicate Elizabeth's progressive nature. We don't need to be hit over the head with a fucking mallet about it.
Okay, okay, I am calm like the sea ... calm like the sea ....
I'll also tell you what's retarded. My fucking cat mood indicator. He's ridiuclous.
Also, I definately understand that there needs to be a distinction between books and movie adaptations of books (Potter*cough*Potter) - but you know, maybe what's making this especially difficult is that the BBC version of P&P was just so spectacular. And yes, that WAS 6 hours long. But it could totally be done in 2 if you have the right cast. Clearly I should have been consulted, ha ah aha.
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Okay, it's now about half an hour later and I'm calming down a little bit, and maybe this was a bit strong upon just seeing the trailer. I'm still not going to see the film, but yeah. But oh, the ranting. You felt so good.
1) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY! GEEZ! I don't like Keira, maybe you have figured that out, but I'm going to be really objective and pinpoint the reasons down. It's her mouth first of all. She does this teeth gritting thing that's supposed to be really dramatic. Like, I am in the thralls of anger, I can't even take it, therefore I must talk through my teeth. NO! You don't have to. Fucker! It's awful. Does ANYONE think this is effective? Tell me, damn it, be strong. I can talk your opinion ... and trash it. j/k
2) DARCY!!!! Actually, let's say this is problem number one. He's ridiculous. REEEE-DICULOUS! He looks fine enough, but christ, can he act? Can he at least pretend that he's super excited to be playing this wonderful part that people would die to have? Although again, that's not really much help if they're already dead. But he's fucking boring as a door jam. BORING! And yes, Darcy has this aloof attitude that could potentially be misinterpreted as boring, but it's not! It's intensity. It's confidence to the irritatingly confident. It's you-suck-and-I-couldn't-care-if-you-fell-down-a-hill...actually-please-do-and-then-I-won't-have-to-suffer-your-presence-any-longer. Okay, maybe not, but AAHHHH!!! RARRR! I'm tearing out my hair! And I know all of you are saying, SE, you're being a drama queen, but if you had the connections I have with the dear P&P and wonderful Mr. Darcy, you'd be behaving this way also.
3) Bingley and Collins - RETARDED!
4) And this is really important: HALF THE TRAILER THEY USED THE SAME MUSIC FROM THE SOUNDTRACK OF LOVE ACTUALLY. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN DO THIS? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE PRODUCER OF BOTH MOVIES DOESN'T GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO BE UNCREATIVE. Get your own fucking music! And don't really on the popularity of one movie to earn props for another.
5) Knightley has short hair. Which looks atrocious. What woman in 19th century England had short hair? There are better (and more SUBTLE) ways to indicate Elizabeth's progressive nature. We don't need to be hit over the head with a fucking mallet about it.
Okay, okay, I am calm like the sea ... calm like the sea ....
I'll also tell you what's retarded. My fucking cat mood indicator. He's ridiuclous.
Also, I definately understand that there needs to be a distinction between books and movie adaptations of books (Potter*cough*Potter) - but you know, maybe what's making this especially difficult is that the BBC version of P&P was just so spectacular. And yes, that WAS 6 hours long. But it could totally be done in 2 if you have the right cast. Clearly I should have been consulted, ha ah aha.
----
Okay, it's now about half an hour later and I'm calming down a little bit, and maybe this was a bit strong upon just seeing the trailer. I'm still not going to see the film, but yeah. But oh, the ranting. You felt so good.