Special Skills...
...or, 'The Sacred and the Arcane.'
If academia was no longer an option, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have much left to fall back on. Still, it’s wise to be prepared, and so I shall catalog the skills which may or may not make me a hot commodity on the job market.
Clerical: 90 WPM. ‘Nuff said.
Mimicry: While the nasal quality of my voice does preclude any career in singing, that same quality does lend itself to mimicry - particularly North Jersey accent (okay, pretty much a Carmela Soprano accent - I don’t actually know anyone from North Jersey), South Boston accent, and indeterminate Central Asian/former Soviet satellite accent. I can also do a pretty mean Julie Andrews, Blanche Devereux, and Robert De Niro as Jimmy Conway. In cases where I am unable to master the voice itself (see Bauer, Jack; Brynner, Yul; Corleone, Michael; Corleone, Vito; and David, Larry), I can do a pretty good job with the postures, tics, and facial expressions.
Theater: Played Mary in the fourth grade Living Rosary, then Pontius Pilate in the eighth grade passion play (upgrade!). No lines in either of those parts, but I did star as Ebenezer Scrooge in the seventh grade Christmas pageant. No, I haven’t had a ‘gig’ since middle school, but I keep honing my craft by acting like I’m interested in what certain members of various seminars have to say.
Dance: As for ballroom, I only know what they taught me in Cotillion, and I’m not very good at it, but how ‘bout the Ländler? More specifically, the Ländler done by Christopher Plummer and Julie Andrews - the ultimate dance of seduction.
Music: I can read music, but am woefully lacking when it comes to the actual performance part. However, I do know the words to every song ever played on LA 92.9, the local oldies station, before they threw in that ‘80s crap. Also, the entire libretti of HMS Pinafore, Pirates of Penzance, and The Mikado, as well as everything by Rodgers & Hammerstein and Cole Porter.
Pecuniary: I can squeeze a nickel until Jefferson starts crying real tears.
I have the twitchiest buzzing finger this side of the mighty Mississippi.
Every manner of blood-sucking insect loves me. Maybe it’s the pastiness of my legs. Maybe the chemical composition of my blood is superior to other humans. Either way, it has to count for something.
My eyebrows grow at a speed and to lengths which will flummox even the most hirsute. I think they lack whatever genetic coding is needed to tell them, ‘Knock it off! You’re not a scalp hair and you never will be, so just stop growing and stop curling, you sick little ****s, or else I’m coming after you with a pair of tweezers.’
If academia was no longer an option, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have much left to fall back on. Still, it’s wise to be prepared, and so I shall catalog the skills which may or may not make me a hot commodity on the job market.
Clerical: 90 WPM. ‘Nuff said.
Mimicry: While the nasal quality of my voice does preclude any career in singing, that same quality does lend itself to mimicry - particularly North Jersey accent (okay, pretty much a Carmela Soprano accent - I don’t actually know anyone from North Jersey), South Boston accent, and indeterminate Central Asian/former Soviet satellite accent. I can also do a pretty mean Julie Andrews, Blanche Devereux, and Robert De Niro as Jimmy Conway. In cases where I am unable to master the voice itself (see Bauer, Jack; Brynner, Yul; Corleone, Michael; Corleone, Vito; and David, Larry), I can do a pretty good job with the postures, tics, and facial expressions.
Theater: Played Mary in the fourth grade Living Rosary, then Pontius Pilate in the eighth grade passion play (upgrade!). No lines in either of those parts, but I did star as Ebenezer Scrooge in the seventh grade Christmas pageant. No, I haven’t had a ‘gig’ since middle school, but I keep honing my craft by acting like I’m interested in what certain members of various seminars have to say.
Dance: As for ballroom, I only know what they taught me in Cotillion, and I’m not very good at it, but how ‘bout the Ländler? More specifically, the Ländler done by Christopher Plummer and Julie Andrews - the ultimate dance of seduction.
Music: I can read music, but am woefully lacking when it comes to the actual performance part. However, I do know the words to every song ever played on LA 92.9, the local oldies station, before they threw in that ‘80s crap. Also, the entire libretti of HMS Pinafore, Pirates of Penzance, and The Mikado, as well as everything by Rodgers & Hammerstein and Cole Porter.
Pecuniary: I can squeeze a nickel until Jefferson starts crying real tears.
I have the twitchiest buzzing finger this side of the mighty Mississippi.
Every manner of blood-sucking insect loves me. Maybe it’s the pastiness of my legs. Maybe the chemical composition of my blood is superior to other humans. Either way, it has to count for something.
My eyebrows grow at a speed and to lengths which will flummox even the most hirsute. I think they lack whatever genetic coding is needed to tell them, ‘Knock it off! You’re not a scalp hair and you never will be, so just stop growing and stop curling, you sick little ****s, or else I’m coming after you with a pair of tweezers.’