Insecurities, Anyone?
I have a confession to make. I, Ryan Conrad Burger, do not actually Have It Together. I don't know if you thought I did, but I pretend to Have It Together a lot when in reality I most certainly do not. So if I deceived you, I cannot express how sorry I am. You weren't the only one deceived; I have done a very good job of deceiving myself.
Part of Having It Together, I think, is not being lonely. Part of this confession is that I feel lonely a lot. I don't know why. I have great friends and (relatively) deep relationships. I have no good reason to feel lonely. I've thought so many times that that must surely mean that I make myself feel lonely and that no matter how deep my relationships were, I would still make myself feel lonely. And honestly, I don't know what a less lonely life would look like for me.
A teenager who doesn't know what he wants. How cliche.
If you ask me, the big problem with feeling lonely is you can't tell anyone. I mean, you can, but you can't. Like if I told someone in particular how desperately and agonizingly lonely I sometimes feel, they would want to make me feel better by spending more time with me, perhaps. But then I'm afraid I would start to question whether they are spending time with me because they love me, or because they feel some sort of obligation to me.
Maybe look at it this way. Isn't love and affirmation less meaningful when it's requested? Once you request it, how do you know any further love and affirmation is given without having been requested? You see, I'm afraid if I tell someone I really want love and affirmation right now, I will devalue all future love and affirmation from them.
Also, maybe since loneliness is one of my greatest weaknesses, I think of it as an unbearable quality. I can't stand that part of me, and I assume other people won't be able to either. It makes me wonder what will happen if I meet another lonely person.
Of course, all of this reveals quite a bit of insecurity, and I'm pretty sure that people who Have It Together have little to no insecurities.
It seems like whenever I start talking to someone about being lonely, they automatically assume I'm sad because I don't have a girlfriend. Since when was romance the sole cure for loneliness? Honestly, I have a hard time thinking about romance unless I'm satisfied with my friendships with other guys. Which I'm not. But whose fault is that? Mine? Nobody's? God's? Everybody's?
There's so much that I don't know what to think about, so much that confuses me. In case you're not convinced yet, that definitely qualifies me for not Having It Together.
I think this might mean I'm Emo. Whatever Emo means. I always kind of imagined that it means what I'm feeling right now.
So, faithful readers of my sparse LiveJournalings and/or Blogger-ings, maybe you know what to think. I sure don't. I'm pretty sure you forgive me for my not Having It Together, but it seems like the real problem I'm having is forgiving myself.
I'm always more proud than I think. Too proud to admit this problem to anyone in particular. So I post it on a website and sort of hope nobody in particular reads it.
Part of Having It Together, I think, is not being lonely. Part of this confession is that I feel lonely a lot. I don't know why. I have great friends and (relatively) deep relationships. I have no good reason to feel lonely. I've thought so many times that that must surely mean that I make myself feel lonely and that no matter how deep my relationships were, I would still make myself feel lonely. And honestly, I don't know what a less lonely life would look like for me.
A teenager who doesn't know what he wants. How cliche.
If you ask me, the big problem with feeling lonely is you can't tell anyone. I mean, you can, but you can't. Like if I told someone in particular how desperately and agonizingly lonely I sometimes feel, they would want to make me feel better by spending more time with me, perhaps. But then I'm afraid I would start to question whether they are spending time with me because they love me, or because they feel some sort of obligation to me.
Maybe look at it this way. Isn't love and affirmation less meaningful when it's requested? Once you request it, how do you know any further love and affirmation is given without having been requested? You see, I'm afraid if I tell someone I really want love and affirmation right now, I will devalue all future love and affirmation from them.
Also, maybe since loneliness is one of my greatest weaknesses, I think of it as an unbearable quality. I can't stand that part of me, and I assume other people won't be able to either. It makes me wonder what will happen if I meet another lonely person.
Of course, all of this reveals quite a bit of insecurity, and I'm pretty sure that people who Have It Together have little to no insecurities.
It seems like whenever I start talking to someone about being lonely, they automatically assume I'm sad because I don't have a girlfriend. Since when was romance the sole cure for loneliness? Honestly, I have a hard time thinking about romance unless I'm satisfied with my friendships with other guys. Which I'm not. But whose fault is that? Mine? Nobody's? God's? Everybody's?
There's so much that I don't know what to think about, so much that confuses me. In case you're not convinced yet, that definitely qualifies me for not Having It Together.
I think this might mean I'm Emo. Whatever Emo means. I always kind of imagined that it means what I'm feeling right now.
So, faithful readers of my sparse LiveJournalings and/or Blogger-ings, maybe you know what to think. I sure don't. I'm pretty sure you forgive me for my not Having It Together, but it seems like the real problem I'm having is forgiving myself.
I'm always more proud than I think. Too proud to admit this problem to anyone in particular. So I post it on a website and sort of hope nobody in particular reads it.