Looking Back on the Year, Part I
Part I: That Which Should Have Been Hell
I know this is a long post and I apologize for not using LJ cut. (I consciously decided not to.) If you get tired of scrolling though it all, I would point out that I've scrolled through it many times, reading it over and over and changing things here and there, and that clicking and dragging the scroll bar is a very effective means of quickly skipping it.
Looking back on the year my heart sighs. With joy and with sadness. It was a big year for me. Three particular times come to mind in particular. The first was in late March, when my friend Daniel died. The second was the week after that, when I was in the Dominican Republic. The third was early August for Student Life camp. This post is about the first one. I will post about the other two later.
I was in a strange mood when I wrote this post, so you might get weirded out. But that doesn't mean it's any less true. I know this post is long and the stream-of-consciousness style of the first part might be intimidating, but bear with me. If you think it's hokey or cliche at any point, just stop reading; to continue reading would be insulting to me. And also, I'm not fishing for sympathy; I've had enough of that already.
Daniel died. That's the first thing that comes to mind. Why do I want to relive it every time I think of it? All the crying, all the horror, all the pain. It should have been hell. My heart starts racing when I remember it. I start pulling out details and replaying them in my head. The phone call from dad. Over and over again. Laying on the couch in Founder's, not knowing what to do. Trying to work on a lab report. Managing to finish my calc homework and turn it in somehow. Over and over again. Telling Vince to tell Hirakawa-sensei why I was missing Japanese. Walking through the rain and driving my dad's Cadillac to Northwest but calling the church to find out that Jimmy is at the Tinsley's house along with the rest of the small group. Crying on the way, wondering if I should be driving like this. Over and over again. Getting to the Tinsleys' house. People were there and they were ordering pizza. I don't know if I can eat but I can because now I'm in sort of a numb stupor because all the tears are in the kleenexes on the floor of the Cadillac. I wanted to cry so hard the house would flood as I sat there on the floor of the Tinsley's living room. I wanted to scream so loud I'd be mute forever but the whole world would hear. But all I could do was make somber small talk with people I hadn't seen since middle school. I should have hugged people; they should have hugged me.
There's a prayer gathering at the church in few hours. Danny and Jimmy get there (or were they there from the beginning?) and they both give me the biggest hugs ever. The Tinsley parents get home because they left work early to be with us and come to the prayer gathering. We find the accident on the news website and look at pictures but I just can't look because Charles says his friend saw Daniel laying dead on the road after the accident and I can't bear to imagine it, his body whose warmth gave me strength when he hugged me, his body laying on the asphalt broken and bleeding and dead. David calls back and I go to pick him up. He gets in the car, my closest friend since fifth grade and I didn't even give him a hug because I was sitting down. We don't feel like saying anything so we drive to the church in silence but we're late dangit we're late. We get there... I forget where the service was when we get there. But we sit in the balcony in the corner and I look down on all the people who are crying crying crying about Daniel. I see Whitney and her mom I see Daniel's girlfriend sobbing I see (did I see the Berlins?) I see people from the youth group, whoever could get to the church on such short notice, I see.... I forget who else. Everyone I see hugs me. Some smart person put kleenex boxes next to the rows of chairs and we use them a lot. It's the first time I've seen Zach cry. We sing songs and worship God because sometimes there's nothing else you can do. I can hardly sing through my tears but there's nothing else I want to do. We pray. Our small group prays and everyone says something we pray for the Cupit family we pray for all the people here we pray for ourselves we thank God that Daniel is in Heaven because Jesus Christ gave his life on the cross so that Daniel and anyone else who believes in Christ's death could go to Heaven his true home when he died and I tell you reader right now that Daniel believed that with all his heart mind soul strength and so do I. There's lot's of talk about Heaven. Heaven is real now I know someone there.
We go back to the Tinsleys' and watch TV waiting for the news to come on so we can watch the news report of the prayer gathering, but there's a tornado coming and all the dumb news people will talk about is the tornado but the tornado doesn't matter Daniel is dead. The news comes on and we tape it and we cry and we sort of laugh when one of us was accidentally labeled as the coroner in aninterview. The news is over and I want to go in the basement and sleep and never leave my friends. I hope the tornado comes so I have to stay at the Tinsleys but I have to go home. I don't remember what happened at home. I don't remember what happened until the funeral. Except we went to the Cupits' house the next night. Everyone was there. If nobody had died the amount of food would be comical. I see Daniel's brother Kyle who I haven't talked to since middle school (we were friends then) and I want to give him a hug but what would he think? Kyle leaves but we sit and talk and then we leave too.
Daniel died Wednesday, the funeral was Saturday, the day before Easter. Or was it Friday? On Friday Danny called me and wants me to prepare something to say at the funeral. What?! I shouldn't be doing that. Daniel's best friend Chris who he always talked about, who he played Clocks his favorite song with in the talent show, Chris who I was sometimes jealous of, should be doing that. But maybe the funeral is for my benefit, not for Daniel's. Maybe telling everyone why I'm so sad will bring me some relief. The funeral is at Westover, the biggest church in Greensboro. I meet the small group there and we hug each other. Why does someone have to die before guys will hug each other freely? We sit down and I see the coffin, the Carolina-blue coffin his parents ordered for him because he was a such a big Carolina fan. Did he still care about Carolina? I'm amused for a second but my heart jolts because I know that Daniel is in there, my brother Daniel who I long to hug one last time even if he's dead and if I were to open up the coffin I would see him one last time but I can't because you're not supposed to open a coffin no matter how much you love the person inside. Tra Jones sings songs and we sing too because we're worshipping God in spite of Daniel's death because we know that Daniel wasn't supposed to die, Daniel was supposed to live a perfect life in the Garden of Eden where there was no death and God is so sad we left Eden and so sad Daniel would die, sad enough to make the ultimate sacrifice to end the separation. Daniel's uncle is speaking and says that the bad news is death took Daniel away from us but the good news is God took Daniel away from death. Jimmy is the main speaker for the funeral, or Celebration of Life as he calls it. I have mixed feelings about calling it that but I can't articulate them. Jimmy has looked through Daniel's Bible. There's a lot you can tell about a person by what they have underlined in their Bible, Jimmy says. People from Young Life speak about Daniel. Noah does and seeing him cry makes me cry. The calm, just close your eyes and be really still kind of crying. Other Young Life people speak, people I haven't talked to since middle school or ninth grade. I forget what they said. Then it's my small group's turn to speak. Danny speaks. I even forget who from the small group spoke. Then it was my turn. I had it planned but I couldn't follow the plan I was so nervous and beside myself. What do you say to 500 crying people? Two sanctuaries full, I was being broadcast into another overflow sanctuary. I remember what I said and I hate it because I felt like an idiot. Was I even right? Why was I talking at the funeral if I only saw him once a week and sometimes less and not for a whole month? I share a journal entry from the fall that says "I love watching Daniel Cupit get excited about God." Then we go and sit down and more people speak and we sing some more and we leave.
Dreams are funny. Usually I don't like them. But there's one that I won't forget for a long time. One time before Daniel died I had a dream that I had run into him in some weird place like an airport terminal and we just laid on the floor and talked about anything and everything as if we hadn't talked in a long time. I could feel the warmth of his body near mine even though we weren't touching and it was the happiest I'd been in a long time, even while I was awake. I didn't want the dream to ever end. This was at a time when I was feeling very cold and isolated and Daniel became a symbol of the warmth and friendship I longed for. He was merely a symbol of it; we were never all that close, but I loved him a lot. That's why it was so painful when he died.
Late in the summer I went to church and I saw Daniel's mom there, singing to God, worshipping him. The sight brings tears to my eyes even now as I type about it. When I saw her my heart wrenched and I couldn't sing anymore. My words were empty and meaningless in comparison to hers. She had every excuse to be angry at God. And yet she chose to give her all to God. How much more a testament is her faith than mine? How much more does her worship mean?
One amazing thing about Daniel was that he would tell you flat out that he liked you and that he was glad he knew you. Reader, do you realize what a tremendous and profound thing that is? Maybe that's why hundreds and hundreds of people came to his funeral. By telling people that, he was rebelling agains society. The world discourages such affirmation. But why? That sort of affirmation is my deepest desire, and yours too, Reader! Sadly I didn't realize all this until after Daniel died. Why should I not be every bit as affirming to my friends? I resolved to be more affirming. I can hardly bear to say that I'm not as affirming as I'd like to be. I know I'm not. Will you forgive me? Daniel hugged people a lot. All that affirmation was wrapped up in a hug which said every time, "I like you and I'm glad I know you." I decided that I would hug people more often. There's no shame in a hug, there is no awkwardness unless you allow it. Life is too short not to hug your friends, life is too short not to tell your friends you love them. Is that cliche, reader? I don't care if it is. That's the world talking, the world I have forsaken to follow God. Even if you do think it's cliche, it's so true. Look beyond whether or not it's cliche, look beyond what people will think if you break the mold and tell people flat out that you like them and you're glad you know them. Look beyond the constraints society puts on you because your love for your friends is bigger than society; God's love for you is bigger than anything. And if I can't or don't do that, I still want you do it. Call me weak, call me a hypocrite, but my challenge stands.
It should have been hell, that week. All the pain, all the crying, all the confusion. But somehow it was heaven. Not because of the crying and the pain and the confusion, but in spite of it. Not because of Daniel's death, but in spite of it. Reader, don't be confused. I was in no way happy that Daniel died. I was sadder than I ever imagined I could be. But God was there. He was close. I was closer to him than ever. That's what made it heaven. Isn't that what God does; take you from hell and into heaven? Sure I hurt a lot and people around me were torn up with grief, but God was there, and when God is there nothing else matters; that right there is heaven. I knew that even though Daniel died, my God was there right next to me, feeling every ounce of my pain and even more. When people die, other people's lives change. And I knew that I was going to change. I knew that I was going to be a different person. And when people change when they're close to God, amazing things happen. Amazing things were going to happen, not because of Daniel's death but in spite of it. It was heaven and that's why I relive it. That's why I remember. That's why Daniel's death changed me forever. And that's one reason for my faith.
I know this is a long post and I apologize for not using LJ cut. (I consciously decided not to.) If you get tired of scrolling though it all, I would point out that I've scrolled through it many times, reading it over and over and changing things here and there, and that clicking and dragging the scroll bar is a very effective means of quickly skipping it.
Looking back on the year my heart sighs. With joy and with sadness. It was a big year for me. Three particular times come to mind in particular. The first was in late March, when my friend Daniel died. The second was the week after that, when I was in the Dominican Republic. The third was early August for Student Life camp. This post is about the first one. I will post about the other two later.
I was in a strange mood when I wrote this post, so you might get weirded out. But that doesn't mean it's any less true. I know this post is long and the stream-of-consciousness style of the first part might be intimidating, but bear with me. If you think it's hokey or cliche at any point, just stop reading; to continue reading would be insulting to me. And also, I'm not fishing for sympathy; I've had enough of that already.
Daniel died. That's the first thing that comes to mind. Why do I want to relive it every time I think of it? All the crying, all the horror, all the pain. It should have been hell. My heart starts racing when I remember it. I start pulling out details and replaying them in my head. The phone call from dad. Over and over again. Laying on the couch in Founder's, not knowing what to do. Trying to work on a lab report. Managing to finish my calc homework and turn it in somehow. Over and over again. Telling Vince to tell Hirakawa-sensei why I was missing Japanese. Walking through the rain and driving my dad's Cadillac to Northwest but calling the church to find out that Jimmy is at the Tinsley's house along with the rest of the small group. Crying on the way, wondering if I should be driving like this. Over and over again. Getting to the Tinsleys' house. People were there and they were ordering pizza. I don't know if I can eat but I can because now I'm in sort of a numb stupor because all the tears are in the kleenexes on the floor of the Cadillac. I wanted to cry so hard the house would flood as I sat there on the floor of the Tinsley's living room. I wanted to scream so loud I'd be mute forever but the whole world would hear. But all I could do was make somber small talk with people I hadn't seen since middle school. I should have hugged people; they should have hugged me.
There's a prayer gathering at the church in few hours. Danny and Jimmy get there (or were they there from the beginning?) and they both give me the biggest hugs ever. The Tinsley parents get home because they left work early to be with us and come to the prayer gathering. We find the accident on the news website and look at pictures but I just can't look because Charles says his friend saw Daniel laying dead on the road after the accident and I can't bear to imagine it, his body whose warmth gave me strength when he hugged me, his body laying on the asphalt broken and bleeding and dead. David calls back and I go to pick him up. He gets in the car, my closest friend since fifth grade and I didn't even give him a hug because I was sitting down. We don't feel like saying anything so we drive to the church in silence but we're late dangit we're late. We get there... I forget where the service was when we get there. But we sit in the balcony in the corner and I look down on all the people who are crying crying crying about Daniel. I see Whitney and her mom I see Daniel's girlfriend sobbing I see (did I see the Berlins?) I see people from the youth group, whoever could get to the church on such short notice, I see.... I forget who else. Everyone I see hugs me. Some smart person put kleenex boxes next to the rows of chairs and we use them a lot. It's the first time I've seen Zach cry. We sing songs and worship God because sometimes there's nothing else you can do. I can hardly sing through my tears but there's nothing else I want to do. We pray. Our small group prays and everyone says something we pray for the Cupit family we pray for all the people here we pray for ourselves we thank God that Daniel is in Heaven because Jesus Christ gave his life on the cross so that Daniel and anyone else who believes in Christ's death could go to Heaven his true home when he died and I tell you reader right now that Daniel believed that with all his heart mind soul strength and so do I. There's lot's of talk about Heaven. Heaven is real now I know someone there.
We go back to the Tinsleys' and watch TV waiting for the news to come on so we can watch the news report of the prayer gathering, but there's a tornado coming and all the dumb news people will talk about is the tornado but the tornado doesn't matter Daniel is dead. The news comes on and we tape it and we cry and we sort of laugh when one of us was accidentally labeled as the coroner in aninterview. The news is over and I want to go in the basement and sleep and never leave my friends. I hope the tornado comes so I have to stay at the Tinsleys but I have to go home. I don't remember what happened at home. I don't remember what happened until the funeral. Except we went to the Cupits' house the next night. Everyone was there. If nobody had died the amount of food would be comical. I see Daniel's brother Kyle who I haven't talked to since middle school (we were friends then) and I want to give him a hug but what would he think? Kyle leaves but we sit and talk and then we leave too.
Daniel died Wednesday, the funeral was Saturday, the day before Easter. Or was it Friday? On Friday Danny called me and wants me to prepare something to say at the funeral. What?! I shouldn't be doing that. Daniel's best friend Chris who he always talked about, who he played Clocks his favorite song with in the talent show, Chris who I was sometimes jealous of, should be doing that. But maybe the funeral is for my benefit, not for Daniel's. Maybe telling everyone why I'm so sad will bring me some relief. The funeral is at Westover, the biggest church in Greensboro. I meet the small group there and we hug each other. Why does someone have to die before guys will hug each other freely? We sit down and I see the coffin, the Carolina-blue coffin his parents ordered for him because he was a such a big Carolina fan. Did he still care about Carolina? I'm amused for a second but my heart jolts because I know that Daniel is in there, my brother Daniel who I long to hug one last time even if he's dead and if I were to open up the coffin I would see him one last time but I can't because you're not supposed to open a coffin no matter how much you love the person inside. Tra Jones sings songs and we sing too because we're worshipping God in spite of Daniel's death because we know that Daniel wasn't supposed to die, Daniel was supposed to live a perfect life in the Garden of Eden where there was no death and God is so sad we left Eden and so sad Daniel would die, sad enough to make the ultimate sacrifice to end the separation. Daniel's uncle is speaking and says that the bad news is death took Daniel away from us but the good news is God took Daniel away from death. Jimmy is the main speaker for the funeral, or Celebration of Life as he calls it. I have mixed feelings about calling it that but I can't articulate them. Jimmy has looked through Daniel's Bible. There's a lot you can tell about a person by what they have underlined in their Bible, Jimmy says. People from Young Life speak about Daniel. Noah does and seeing him cry makes me cry. The calm, just close your eyes and be really still kind of crying. Other Young Life people speak, people I haven't talked to since middle school or ninth grade. I forget what they said. Then it's my small group's turn to speak. Danny speaks. I even forget who from the small group spoke. Then it was my turn. I had it planned but I couldn't follow the plan I was so nervous and beside myself. What do you say to 500 crying people? Two sanctuaries full, I was being broadcast into another overflow sanctuary. I remember what I said and I hate it because I felt like an idiot. Was I even right? Why was I talking at the funeral if I only saw him once a week and sometimes less and not for a whole month? I share a journal entry from the fall that says "I love watching Daniel Cupit get excited about God." Then we go and sit down and more people speak and we sing some more and we leave.
Dreams are funny. Usually I don't like them. But there's one that I won't forget for a long time. One time before Daniel died I had a dream that I had run into him in some weird place like an airport terminal and we just laid on the floor and talked about anything and everything as if we hadn't talked in a long time. I could feel the warmth of his body near mine even though we weren't touching and it was the happiest I'd been in a long time, even while I was awake. I didn't want the dream to ever end. This was at a time when I was feeling very cold and isolated and Daniel became a symbol of the warmth and friendship I longed for. He was merely a symbol of it; we were never all that close, but I loved him a lot. That's why it was so painful when he died.
Late in the summer I went to church and I saw Daniel's mom there, singing to God, worshipping him. The sight brings tears to my eyes even now as I type about it. When I saw her my heart wrenched and I couldn't sing anymore. My words were empty and meaningless in comparison to hers. She had every excuse to be angry at God. And yet she chose to give her all to God. How much more a testament is her faith than mine? How much more does her worship mean?
One amazing thing about Daniel was that he would tell you flat out that he liked you and that he was glad he knew you. Reader, do you realize what a tremendous and profound thing that is? Maybe that's why hundreds and hundreds of people came to his funeral. By telling people that, he was rebelling agains society. The world discourages such affirmation. But why? That sort of affirmation is my deepest desire, and yours too, Reader! Sadly I didn't realize all this until after Daniel died. Why should I not be every bit as affirming to my friends? I resolved to be more affirming. I can hardly bear to say that I'm not as affirming as I'd like to be. I know I'm not. Will you forgive me? Daniel hugged people a lot. All that affirmation was wrapped up in a hug which said every time, "I like you and I'm glad I know you." I decided that I would hug people more often. There's no shame in a hug, there is no awkwardness unless you allow it. Life is too short not to hug your friends, life is too short not to tell your friends you love them. Is that cliche, reader? I don't care if it is. That's the world talking, the world I have forsaken to follow God. Even if you do think it's cliche, it's so true. Look beyond whether or not it's cliche, look beyond what people will think if you break the mold and tell people flat out that you like them and you're glad you know them. Look beyond the constraints society puts on you because your love for your friends is bigger than society; God's love for you is bigger than anything. And if I can't or don't do that, I still want you do it. Call me weak, call me a hypocrite, but my challenge stands.
It should have been hell, that week. All the pain, all the crying, all the confusion. But somehow it was heaven. Not because of the crying and the pain and the confusion, but in spite of it. Not because of Daniel's death, but in spite of it. Reader, don't be confused. I was in no way happy that Daniel died. I was sadder than I ever imagined I could be. But God was there. He was close. I was closer to him than ever. That's what made it heaven. Isn't that what God does; take you from hell and into heaven? Sure I hurt a lot and people around me were torn up with grief, but God was there, and when God is there nothing else matters; that right there is heaven. I knew that even though Daniel died, my God was there right next to me, feeling every ounce of my pain and even more. When people die, other people's lives change. And I knew that I was going to change. I knew that I was going to be a different person. And when people change when they're close to God, amazing things happen. Amazing things were going to happen, not because of Daniel's death but in spite of it. It was heaven and that's why I relive it. That's why I remember. That's why Daniel's death changed me forever. And that's one reason for my faith.