Graves' Disease
So that's the name for it.
Warning: This next bit is more just for me to get this out, to say it finally, to admit it. IT will be rambling and stream of conscious. So bear with me.
Here it is. I admit it, finally.
I am sick.
I am getting help, but I'm still off and will be for awhile. And this is hard, by far the hardest challenge so far.
I am sick.
This thing that has chased me and followed me for oh, the last 5 years of my life. The source of so much pain and trial.
Who knew that a tiny lump of flesh could be so important, could change you so completely that you no longer recognize yourself.
Before I go on please understand that I realize how lucky I am; that the disease I have is treatable, manageable. I know that while I have troubles, my many, many blessings buoy me up and I see them for what and who they are. I am blessed.
But that still doesn't make this road any less bumpy. And less difficult to stay on.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired. A lumpy bumpy road and a lumpy bumpy bed that I sleep in, alone. I wake all night long, several times, drenched in sweat. And sometimes, crying> And unable to move. I don't know what that is.
I sweat, and it has such a sour smell that I rise several times a night to change my shirt. I tried to sleep without but my pillows, my sheets, even the towel I put down was so saturated; I need the extra layer. And the stink of it crawls in my nostrils and reminds me of what this is.
And the depression. Knowing that this isn't me, and I am trying to be. I am myself but it is like watching me live my life thru a glass window. I see what I do, hear what I do. I can't control impulses or emotions; things FLARE up or DIE out and I can't tell you why. I am staggered at things I have said and done; at least NOW I know that truly, it wasn't me.
Everything swings and swoops. Emotions, energy, my tummy. My headaches. It's awful.
I am not me! And I want to scream from frustration.
I have a job where I have to be constantly happy, constantly on. And I'm at the point where I just can't do it anymore. It sucked out all my normal me happyness and I had none to give back. I still struggle with that, everyday. I am not nice to strangers, I tuck my head down. I don't want to be nice. I am a blank.
I finally found a book (thanks to Gregs' wife Patricia) called "The Thyroid Solution" and I read that book and cried tears of releif. To know that I'm NOT CRAZY. That everything I feel and have felt and have gone through IS NOT ME and NOT NORMAL and it's Due to the literal chemical balance in your body changing. And then, you change. your attitude, how you do things. Choices you make, things you do, things you say, that you woulD NEVER say, or do, or act upon, YOU DO THEM. And you DONT KNOW WHY. And you can't explain it to anyone, least of all yourself. So you just deal, and helplessly get carried along. You just do> And keep going forward, flailing in the current trying to reach the shore.
I just want to sleep and cry - and that is SO unlike me (well, I always have been a sleeper. So that's still really me). I have no excitement, no joy. I find ease in quiet, and being by myself outside. My enthusiasm is gone, and I have to fight with myself to NOT become a recluse. I want to see my friiends, I WANT to go out and socialize. But then it seems like it's too big too huge, and I crawl back under the covers to sleeep. I go out at night for my walks, (and miss my friend Vince, and the stars at Jamies' House, and Jamies comfort) And I try to think and sort things out. Usually in action I can sort and think and solve. Not any more> I just think and think and think in circles. And get more and more frustrated, and instead of relaxed I am completely wound up.
Being back in my hometown has helped a lot. I can go places I know and to places I know are safe and just be. I can walk familiar streets and smell familiar smells and it is okay.
I think alot, well, I try. I can't focus. That's really hard : I'm used to multitasking like a demon, getting 6 things done at once. Except now, I can barely focus to get one thing done.
Not being able to focus is aggrivating. I can't carry a conversation without concentrating REALLY hard.
RIGHT now: I am off my meds. My body stopped responding anyway; so now, we're going to radiate the thyroid so it goes away and will stop the terrible swings.
I get shaky shaky hands. I can't sign my name.
Hair falls out; nails wont grow and peel.
Night Sweats, bad.
Inabilaty to concentrate
Weight gain, weight loss. right now, more gain than loss.
Excessive mood swings, irritability
Entire chemical output between pituitary & thyroid goes haywire; and you literally become a different person, because YOU are changing and ARE a different person.
It's taken 5 years to get this under control...Back in the spring and summer of 08 is when I really noticed that something was wrong.
I was experiencing depression (for the first time EVER) and a definite lack of concentration. I called off work, at a job I absolutely loved to do. I would just sit on the couch and stare, for hours. I slept, a lot.
My libido vanished. I couldn't explain it. I was doing things, lying to cover up what I had done, because I couldn't understand the things I did, couldn't accept that I had done them. Because it was me, but it wasn't. Again. Watching yourself thru a window. Watching as you make decisions that completely destroy your world and crush those in it closest to you. And because I didn't know, didn't understand, things spiraled out of control.
The choices I made are with me now. The one person I want to understand this never did. Never realized that I was sick. That this is a disease. Took in what I said and let it go out, never truly realizing what this meant to me, to us. And what had happened, well> He said once he didn't know what happened to the girl he fell in love with. NEITHER DID I then. But now I know, and she's still here, fighting to regain all she's lost with all she's worth. But that doesn't matter to him. He didn't understand in the first place. I'm still hurting - my actions caused it - his inaction caused it - but I'm still hurting. Because I still miss him, desperately. It kills me to think that this horrible disease caused me to lose the one person meant for me, the one I still dream about, talk about, can't truly live without.
"Don't be with someone because you can live with them. Be with someone because you can't live without them".
And then I cry. Well, that's nothing new these days.
WELL that's where I am right now, without all the extra crazy of not knowing.
Now I know, and I'm just waiting, waiting for the levels in my body to get where they need to be so we can do the next step. And then the next step. And the next.
And things will be okay, it's just gonna take awhile.
The part that is hardest to deal with, is the inability to work. To do things.
I miss performing. It's like not having my arms. I miss being onstage and laughing with the joy we have and bring.
This is where I am; for now. But it will get better, I'm sure of it. I'm positive at heart.
I do feel better for writing this and getting it all out.
I am getting tired of carrying it all with me, and pretending things are fine, things are normal.
Because they aren't, not for me, anyway.
And I'm so very, very sad.
Warning: This next bit is more just for me to get this out, to say it finally, to admit it. IT will be rambling and stream of conscious. So bear with me.
Here it is. I admit it, finally.
I am sick.
I am getting help, but I'm still off and will be for awhile. And this is hard, by far the hardest challenge so far.
I am sick.
This thing that has chased me and followed me for oh, the last 5 years of my life. The source of so much pain and trial.
Who knew that a tiny lump of flesh could be so important, could change you so completely that you no longer recognize yourself.
Before I go on please understand that I realize how lucky I am; that the disease I have is treatable, manageable. I know that while I have troubles, my many, many blessings buoy me up and I see them for what and who they are. I am blessed.
But that still doesn't make this road any less bumpy. And less difficult to stay on.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being tired. A lumpy bumpy road and a lumpy bumpy bed that I sleep in, alone. I wake all night long, several times, drenched in sweat. And sometimes, crying> And unable to move. I don't know what that is.
I sweat, and it has such a sour smell that I rise several times a night to change my shirt. I tried to sleep without but my pillows, my sheets, even the towel I put down was so saturated; I need the extra layer. And the stink of it crawls in my nostrils and reminds me of what this is.
And the depression. Knowing that this isn't me, and I am trying to be. I am myself but it is like watching me live my life thru a glass window. I see what I do, hear what I do. I can't control impulses or emotions; things FLARE up or DIE out and I can't tell you why. I am staggered at things I have said and done; at least NOW I know that truly, it wasn't me.
Everything swings and swoops. Emotions, energy, my tummy. My headaches. It's awful.
I am not me! And I want to scream from frustration.
I have a job where I have to be constantly happy, constantly on. And I'm at the point where I just can't do it anymore. It sucked out all my normal me happyness and I had none to give back. I still struggle with that, everyday. I am not nice to strangers, I tuck my head down. I don't want to be nice. I am a blank.
I finally found a book (thanks to Gregs' wife Patricia) called "The Thyroid Solution" and I read that book and cried tears of releif. To know that I'm NOT CRAZY. That everything I feel and have felt and have gone through IS NOT ME and NOT NORMAL and it's Due to the literal chemical balance in your body changing. And then, you change. your attitude, how you do things. Choices you make, things you do, things you say, that you woulD NEVER say, or do, or act upon, YOU DO THEM. And you DONT KNOW WHY. And you can't explain it to anyone, least of all yourself. So you just deal, and helplessly get carried along. You just do> And keep going forward, flailing in the current trying to reach the shore.
I just want to sleep and cry - and that is SO unlike me (well, I always have been a sleeper. So that's still really me). I have no excitement, no joy. I find ease in quiet, and being by myself outside. My enthusiasm is gone, and I have to fight with myself to NOT become a recluse. I want to see my friiends, I WANT to go out and socialize. But then it seems like it's too big too huge, and I crawl back under the covers to sleeep. I go out at night for my walks, (and miss my friend Vince, and the stars at Jamies' House, and Jamies comfort) And I try to think and sort things out. Usually in action I can sort and think and solve. Not any more> I just think and think and think in circles. And get more and more frustrated, and instead of relaxed I am completely wound up.
Being back in my hometown has helped a lot. I can go places I know and to places I know are safe and just be. I can walk familiar streets and smell familiar smells and it is okay.
I think alot, well, I try. I can't focus. That's really hard : I'm used to multitasking like a demon, getting 6 things done at once. Except now, I can barely focus to get one thing done.
Not being able to focus is aggrivating. I can't carry a conversation without concentrating REALLY hard.
RIGHT now: I am off my meds. My body stopped responding anyway; so now, we're going to radiate the thyroid so it goes away and will stop the terrible swings.
I get shaky shaky hands. I can't sign my name.
Hair falls out; nails wont grow and peel.
Night Sweats, bad.
Inabilaty to concentrate
Weight gain, weight loss. right now, more gain than loss.
Excessive mood swings, irritability
Entire chemical output between pituitary & thyroid goes haywire; and you literally become a different person, because YOU are changing and ARE a different person.
It's taken 5 years to get this under control...Back in the spring and summer of 08 is when I really noticed that something was wrong.
I was experiencing depression (for the first time EVER) and a definite lack of concentration. I called off work, at a job I absolutely loved to do. I would just sit on the couch and stare, for hours. I slept, a lot.
My libido vanished. I couldn't explain it. I was doing things, lying to cover up what I had done, because I couldn't understand the things I did, couldn't accept that I had done them. Because it was me, but it wasn't. Again. Watching yourself thru a window. Watching as you make decisions that completely destroy your world and crush those in it closest to you. And because I didn't know, didn't understand, things spiraled out of control.
The choices I made are with me now. The one person I want to understand this never did. Never realized that I was sick. That this is a disease. Took in what I said and let it go out, never truly realizing what this meant to me, to us. And what had happened, well> He said once he didn't know what happened to the girl he fell in love with. NEITHER DID I then. But now I know, and she's still here, fighting to regain all she's lost with all she's worth. But that doesn't matter to him. He didn't understand in the first place. I'm still hurting - my actions caused it - his inaction caused it - but I'm still hurting. Because I still miss him, desperately. It kills me to think that this horrible disease caused me to lose the one person meant for me, the one I still dream about, talk about, can't truly live without.
"Don't be with someone because you can live with them. Be with someone because you can't live without them".
And then I cry. Well, that's nothing new these days.
WELL that's where I am right now, without all the extra crazy of not knowing.
Now I know, and I'm just waiting, waiting for the levels in my body to get where they need to be so we can do the next step. And then the next step. And the next.
And things will be okay, it's just gonna take awhile.
The part that is hardest to deal with, is the inability to work. To do things.
I miss performing. It's like not having my arms. I miss being onstage and laughing with the joy we have and bring.
This is where I am; for now. But it will get better, I'm sure of it. I'm positive at heart.
I do feel better for writing this and getting it all out.
I am getting tired of carrying it all with me, and pretending things are fine, things are normal.
Because they aren't, not for me, anyway.
And I'm so very, very sad.