Well. There's this.
so i'm up again, awake and i'm not sure why.
sometimes; my thoughts buzz around in my head and keep me awake, even though they never settle still enough for me to sort things out.
and here i am sitting in my pyjamas in the middle of the living room floor, moved to write. and importantly, moved to write to you.
i'm looking out the big windows at the front, and i can see the neighbours trees that are outlined in orange by the streetlights. the wind is moving them around; i think a storm is coming....the sky is that weird orange-grey-brown it gets from the city lights. no stars or moon can penetrate it. buck is snoring gently behind me in his basket.
i'm sitting here and i'm thinking of you. how much you mean to me and wonder why and how.
i know the answer to that; but can't put it down right now. there's so much to it and words i can type aren't enough.
it's too complex. i suppose that where i am in life i know what i don't want. and what i do want. sort of. but i know that
what i see in you is what i want; i see an equal and someone who is after the same things in life that i am. but also someone who knows where i am and what i'm doing, and can understand the deep rooted part of me that answers the stage's calling,
to heal people with laughter and a wry grin.
on a different note; i'm really scared.
scared of leaving all that i know behind.
meaning; i am about to embark on yet another period of my life; in another country. far away from all i know and love.
the cool greenness of my neighbourhood, the city where i know people and the area...safety of the familiar.
always before on the road; no matter where or what; i had the catchall of knowing that it was temporary, that soon i would be heading home to
where i am and where i can be me.
and as much as i missed you... and that ached and pulsed within me... it was always good to be home, regardless of the living situation.
it's not an afraid scared; like oh-my-god-serial-killer's-gonna-kill-me scared; just the freakiness of the unknown.
and it's big. bigger than me?
of going somewhere where i know no one, and starting it all again. it's a challenge, definately but it's a scary one. a big one.
of being somewhere that i won't hear my comforting GO Train, or turning on the radio for my stations. Of being more than 2 hours from my family, of being more than 2 hours away from all i know and love. my garden. my little house. i know that i can do it, it's just hard facing that truth. and it's big! bigger than me. bigger than anything i've ever done before. even when i was on the literal other side of the world it wasn't this big.
and don't get me wrong; it's not that i don't want to. it's just a difficult choice. one i'm prepared to make but still.
combine that with my growing unhappiness with the renfaire circuit; and boom. suddenly all that i know is changing.
change is good, though right?
and it's not like i'll be alone, right?
Anyway. just wanted to get this down and off my chest.
cuz all will be well......i'm gonna go eat some cookies.