(no subject)

[lapindeamour]

I haven't written for quite some time.. I haven't really felt the need to; but right now I have no choice. It's either that, or watch some baseball game with Alex, no brain-er. Life has been the same. I've been kinda going no where. Work is the same crap, maybe worse, my relationship is still the same, no progression anyway. We had a pretty bad fight a few weeks ago, I thought about moving out, and part of me was terrified. As if I had no where else to go. But that's not true. I've developed a sort of security in the fact that I could leave and I would be fine. I don't need to be here, I'm here because I want to be. It makes the lonely nights, which are few and far apart now, a little more bearable. I haven't really done anything fun in a while. What's the point in moving out of your parent's house if you don't stay out all night partying with no hope of recollection. I feel like I'm old and married, sans the security of the marriage, but with the same lack of life and luster. I'm satisfied I suppose, but what is satisfaction really? I'm not spending my lonely and horridly boring nights crying, I guess that's satisfaction. After all, it could be worse right.. I could have dropped out of school and continued working at my dead-end job, while still living with my parents. That's something to brag about. "Hey my life is headed no where, but at least I moved out on my own". It's not like I'm really on my own anyway. I have no say in this stupid apartment and any of the bills or anything, I mean... I don't know if I want any, but it's nothing like being on your own. I don't worry about anything. I lose about $500-$700 a month and everything just somehow gets taken care of. I don't know. I just don't have that joie de vive that I would have wanted at this age. What could I do differently. I'm sort of hoping that soon enough all the remodeling with be finished, and everything will just slow down, so that I can really live. I want to be crazy and spontaneous like all those kids I used to associate with. I want to go to the beach all day, and dance the night away at some shitty club or some meaningless party. No one is stopping me really, I just don't have that push inside of me that tells me to call someone and do something fun. I should though.. but I don't. Maybe I'm clinically depressed. You know when you watch those commercials with that bouncing rock thing.. and you think "damn.. I feel like that.. maybe I should be taking that medication".. well that's where I am right now; except instead of thinking that I feel like that sometimes, I think that I feel like that most of the time. It's not to say that I'm unhappy, I'm just bored all the time and I feel too lazy to really do anything about it. What am I suppose to do anyway. See.. here's the problem: I'm a really indecisive person, I'm that person that always says "whatever you want.. that's fine.. I don't really care either way" so when I'm around only one person the majority of my day, and they're exactly the same way, we usually don't do anything but what is easiest, ie sitting at home and watching tv all day. One of us has to get out of this passive aggressive shell and take the lead, the problem is, none of us want to.
I'm done with this rant.