Note to self...
Do not call your ex boyfriend in a druken rage, with anger in you bones just ready to kill any living thing in your path. Do not call this ex boyfriend and pretend to not think highly about him at all, for you know that you still do. And certainly do not pretend to not care about him anymore at all, because we all know that it's just a horrid lie. All of this will just lead to you saying horrible things that you just don't mean, which will result in him never wanting to talk to you again.. and even though this may seem like the most perfect thing in the world when you're doing all of this, it won't be. You'll end up regreting it all, only to call him a few months down the line, and feel more like an ass than ever.
Since that's been said, I can now proceed to tell you that I've done just that.. and tonight, on my way home, I'm thinking: Let's call leo and see how he's doing. We'll have a nice little chat about nothing.. and who knows, it might be nice.. yea.. no.
I call him and first I can't hear a thing cause I'm blasting some shakira song that's about love and what not, and my cell phone is being retarted. So even though I couldn't hear him, I'm sure he could hear my shakira song.. what the hell would he have been thinking. He hangs up.. and I should've take this as a sign.. yea.. I didn't. I call him again, and this time he picks up. All the while I'm thinking: who is this that I'm talking to, because this can't possibly be him. His voice sounds so different, so unlike someone that I was in love with and completely devoted to for over a year. But it's him, just not that person anymore I guess. So yeah.. he's all like "umm.. who is this".. then I pull one of those dumb "guess" things. And I think he mumbled something that sounded like "who is this" or "cristie". I tell him it's jane.. and he's all like.. "oh.. well I'm at a get together with some friends right now." all I can say is "oh.. ok.. well I just had an urge to see how you were doing and thought of [bringing myself further pain by distroying my remaining ounces of dignity and] calling you. I guess I'll talk to you [never again since you'll never call me and after this, god knows i'm not going to be able to call you or] whenever.. bye" **click** You know what this means. This means that when I called him over two months ago because I wanted to talk and vent and let him know how I felt, and that I was sorry about that time when my judgement had been drenched in liquour, that day he said that he would get back to me in a month or so to arrange something.. because he was really busy with his life that didn't include me.. and that he'd call me when he felt ready, well he didn't even save my number.. hence him not knowing who it was.. therefore he clearly had no intention of calling me at all.
Please tie me up so that I can no longer torture myself the way I seem to do. I'm a little upset. I hate that I have to walk on egg shells with him. And not even with him.. but with the idea of him. There is no him... he's just this memory that I have and wish to keep touch with.. but it's not going to happen.
I feel strange. Nothing really definable.. just as if I have a hair out of place, and it's bothering me.. but I can't seem to identify the hair, let alone the problem. Alex and I had a bit of a quarel today.. but I won't really get into that.. the only thing I'll say is that I refuse to be censored. God damn it. Somethings not right but I can't put my finger on it.. you know what it's like... it's kinda like when you feel like you've forgotten something at home.. and it's something that you can't turn around to go get, but still, you have absolutely no idea what it could be, yet you cant seem to silence that feeling.. That bullhorn of a feeling.
I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could look into your soul.. I wish you wouldn't push me away the way you do.. you don't even know you do it.. it's so subconcious. It's not all the time.. and I know it's not just the way you are, because just that.. it's not like that all the time. But sometimes you build this wall around yourself and it's hard enough for me to see you over that thing, let alone get to you. And it's not the fact that you're keeping something, it's that you feel that way because of some thing I've said and done.. and I know it, but you won't express to me what I've done wrong.. and then I have no control over the situation at all.. and lacking control is a horrible feeling. If you would just let me in, I could fix it. I promise. You just have to let me in.
I need janelys in my life so badly. I didn't even know it was the way it is until today. I need her in my life. I need to talk to her.. I need to see her. I need her to bring me back down to reality when my head is carrying me away from everything.. with all these thoughts and emotions that I can't rationalize.
I need sleep.
Since that's been said, I can now proceed to tell you that I've done just that.. and tonight, on my way home, I'm thinking: Let's call leo and see how he's doing. We'll have a nice little chat about nothing.. and who knows, it might be nice.. yea.. no.
I call him and first I can't hear a thing cause I'm blasting some shakira song that's about love and what not, and my cell phone is being retarted. So even though I couldn't hear him, I'm sure he could hear my shakira song.. what the hell would he have been thinking. He hangs up.. and I should've take this as a sign.. yea.. I didn't. I call him again, and this time he picks up. All the while I'm thinking: who is this that I'm talking to, because this can't possibly be him. His voice sounds so different, so unlike someone that I was in love with and completely devoted to for over a year. But it's him, just not that person anymore I guess. So yeah.. he's all like "umm.. who is this".. then I pull one of those dumb "guess" things. And I think he mumbled something that sounded like "who is this" or "cristie". I tell him it's jane.. and he's all like.. "oh.. well I'm at a get together with some friends right now." all I can say is "oh.. ok.. well I just had an urge to see how you were doing and thought of [bringing myself further pain by distroying my remaining ounces of dignity and] calling you. I guess I'll talk to you [never again since you'll never call me and after this, god knows i'm not going to be able to call you or] whenever.. bye" **click** You know what this means. This means that when I called him over two months ago because I wanted to talk and vent and let him know how I felt, and that I was sorry about that time when my judgement had been drenched in liquour, that day he said that he would get back to me in a month or so to arrange something.. because he was really busy with his life that didn't include me.. and that he'd call me when he felt ready, well he didn't even save my number.. hence him not knowing who it was.. therefore he clearly had no intention of calling me at all.
Please tie me up so that I can no longer torture myself the way I seem to do. I'm a little upset. I hate that I have to walk on egg shells with him. And not even with him.. but with the idea of him. There is no him... he's just this memory that I have and wish to keep touch with.. but it's not going to happen.
I feel strange. Nothing really definable.. just as if I have a hair out of place, and it's bothering me.. but I can't seem to identify the hair, let alone the problem. Alex and I had a bit of a quarel today.. but I won't really get into that.. the only thing I'll say is that I refuse to be censored. God damn it. Somethings not right but I can't put my finger on it.. you know what it's like... it's kinda like when you feel like you've forgotten something at home.. and it's something that you can't turn around to go get, but still, you have absolutely no idea what it could be, yet you cant seem to silence that feeling.. That bullhorn of a feeling.
I wish I could read your mind. I wish I could look into your soul.. I wish you wouldn't push me away the way you do.. you don't even know you do it.. it's so subconcious. It's not all the time.. and I know it's not just the way you are, because just that.. it's not like that all the time. But sometimes you build this wall around yourself and it's hard enough for me to see you over that thing, let alone get to you. And it's not the fact that you're keeping something, it's that you feel that way because of some thing I've said and done.. and I know it, but you won't express to me what I've done wrong.. and then I have no control over the situation at all.. and lacking control is a horrible feeling. If you would just let me in, I could fix it. I promise. You just have to let me in.
I need janelys in my life so badly. I didn't even know it was the way it is until today. I need her in my life. I need to talk to her.. I need to see her. I need her to bring me back down to reality when my head is carrying me away from everything.. with all these thoughts and emotions that I can't rationalize.
I need sleep.