Wham! Bam! Alakazam!
I just feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks. Sometimes just one of the little things will really throw your mind off and make you unsure of where you stand.
I've been really emotionally detached for months. I've been slowly burned out on feeling too much here in Boston. I'm very attached to the play that I'm doing, but I'm not as focused on it as the disaster over the summer. Once I stop freaking out about this one throw I've got to do at the start of the show (In the prologue of And Then There Were None, I and one other guy have to life one girl over our heads and then throw her up and catch her). I keep hesitating on the throw, and one time the Choreographer lost her grip and she fell on him on the ground.
I don't feel anything at work. I work as hard as I can and keep my emotions down where I can deal with them. It's a good thing because most of my co-workers are emotional land mines. Most of them can't really deal with their own emotions. My manager mutters threats under his breath, and even complains to the customers about how bad his day was. The manager and assistant manager have a bitch fight almost everyday. I meet attractive people, but I recognize that and let it go. I watch gorgeous burlesque dancers - but it's only a show, y'know.
But I've suddenly started feel really emotional again. It all started with a text from a friend, er, crush I haven't heard from for eight months two days ago. She messaged me just to tell me she missed me and to find out when I'd be back. I suddenly felt all those emotions starting to swirl around me. I haven't felt anything but awkward for the last few months in Boston.
I texted her a little yesterday, but that's not really important to this story. What was important was that I'm still freaking out about a nightmare I had last night. I was dating a younger girl (a spitfire girl hiding a vulnerable innocence behind it) and dealing with the consequences of that relationship. I was dealing with her parents' efforts to keep me out of her life. She ended up moving away and she decided to break up with me over something petty and meaningless. I woke up feeling a terrible sense of loss and the fear that I lost someone really important, even though I still have no idea what the girl's name is.
This just highlights most of the fears I have, the fears I left San Jose to work out. Fears that I'm still attracted to girl who are way too young. The fear that all my relationships fall apart from incomprehensible things that I neither can control or comprehend. That my whole life has been shielded from very serious and very final personal trouble that is just waiting to fall on my head like the guillotine's blade.
I don't know whether I should try to push these feelings down again or try to really work on this? I'm working with a therapist here in Boston, so I'm sure I'll bring this up with him, but I'm scared of losing my gains from this year.
I've been really emotionally detached for months. I've been slowly burned out on feeling too much here in Boston. I'm very attached to the play that I'm doing, but I'm not as focused on it as the disaster over the summer. Once I stop freaking out about this one throw I've got to do at the start of the show (In the prologue of And Then There Were None, I and one other guy have to life one girl over our heads and then throw her up and catch her). I keep hesitating on the throw, and one time the Choreographer lost her grip and she fell on him on the ground.
I don't feel anything at work. I work as hard as I can and keep my emotions down where I can deal with them. It's a good thing because most of my co-workers are emotional land mines. Most of them can't really deal with their own emotions. My manager mutters threats under his breath, and even complains to the customers about how bad his day was. The manager and assistant manager have a bitch fight almost everyday. I meet attractive people, but I recognize that and let it go. I watch gorgeous burlesque dancers - but it's only a show, y'know.
But I've suddenly started feel really emotional again. It all started with a text from a friend, er, crush I haven't heard from for eight months two days ago. She messaged me just to tell me she missed me and to find out when I'd be back. I suddenly felt all those emotions starting to swirl around me. I haven't felt anything but awkward for the last few months in Boston.
I texted her a little yesterday, but that's not really important to this story. What was important was that I'm still freaking out about a nightmare I had last night. I was dating a younger girl (a spitfire girl hiding a vulnerable innocence behind it) and dealing with the consequences of that relationship. I was dealing with her parents' efforts to keep me out of her life. She ended up moving away and she decided to break up with me over something petty and meaningless. I woke up feeling a terrible sense of loss and the fear that I lost someone really important, even though I still have no idea what the girl's name is.
This just highlights most of the fears I have, the fears I left San Jose to work out. Fears that I'm still attracted to girl who are way too young. The fear that all my relationships fall apart from incomprehensible things that I neither can control or comprehend. That my whole life has been shielded from very serious and very final personal trouble that is just waiting to fall on my head like the guillotine's blade.
I don't know whether I should try to push these feelings down again or try to really work on this? I'm working with a therapist here in Boston, so I'm sure I'll bring this up with him, but I'm scared of losing my gains from this year.