Feel good...

[laocoon]

I'm at a very interesting new time in my life. I used to be an angsty, perpetually sad, anxious, tattered boy. And like a snake, it seems I have shed that old skin. I can scarcely come to terms with the person that I have become/am becoming. There is no more angst, there is no more sadness, no more desperate, lonely thoughts. It seems like between God and Megan what was my pathognomonic disposition has utterly changed. I'm pretty satisified with my life, where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with. I feel more in control of my being in some ways, others still need some work, but I'm making good headway. This vector feels good. But lately, I am wracked with uncertainty. Right now I'm at Creighton working on the cardiac care unit. It's my first taste of bona fide hospital medicine. It's like glimpsing a huge machine, like an oil well, or robotic manufacturing plant working, being part of it, slowly coming to understand its every cog and gear. And I have to say, that I'm scared, for the first time. I've always said "neurosurgery, neurosurgery, neurosurgery..." like a mantra. I'm not sure, though. Honestly, I've always said that speaking from no real knowledge of the field itself. Maybe it's the idea of it that always appealed to me. But rarely do the idea of something and the reality of something actually meet very neatly. My apparent misfortune is no misfortune at all, really. It's the same uncertainty many people face about their futures, but the fear is real. I guess I just want to find my own little home somewhere within medicine. It's out there for me, I can feel it, but I have no idea where to go. We'll see how my tune changes after the next few months, though, when I'm actually doing surgery. Again, I love the idea of it, but the reality of it leaves kind of a bad taste in my mouth as I come to know my profession better. I'll make a much more elaborate post about this at a later date. Some of you who haven't worked in the medical profession would be astounded at some of the things that I have personally witnessed in doctors, so-called professionals. Lately, I've been seeing a lot more greed and egotism that I ever fathomed, and it makes me sad, honestly. Thankfully, I have a wonderful friend and physician with whom I attend St. Mary's whose wisdom and counsel I can seek on that particular matter.

Truth be told though, I have been sad over a personal matter. Sometimes it's hard to accept irreconcilable situations and let them go. I think for the good of all, it may come to it.