And we're back in three . . . two . . .
Okay, folks, I've been talking about this with people individually for some days now, and its been startling to me to accept. But I think I finally have a handle on it, so I'm just going to put it down here, and leave it unless someone wants to bring it up.
I have been suffering from a near complete emotional shut down for a very long time. I have had breif moments here and there of surfacing, but they have not lasted for any worthwhile length of time. I have been so used to it, that it has been comepletely normal for me to feel like death, or feel like nothing at all, and completely operate without hesitation for days and weeks at a time. But functioning on that level limits what you are capable of in ways that you can't even think about. Vast swaths of normal human function seem irrelevant. And it makes it easier to live cheaply and efficiently, but it also makes it a lot easier to let yourself become hurt, to accept other people's damage upon yourself matter of factly and not even know why that is a problem. You adapt patterns of normal behavior, just to avoid people, but then you find that you have misapplied them and people get confused and you end up interacting anyway.
Well, its stopped. I'm awake again. And this time, it isn't a brief window around a specific event. It is a constant bubbling fucking fountain of uncontainable god damn joy and it will not stop making me exclaim enthusiastically and scaring my coworkers. My kids see it, and they are happy about it. My closest friend of the last eighteen years is amazed by it and compare it to what I was like when we first met. And I don't even mind being at work any more. I am solid.
This change has been coming on for a couple few months now, and I thought it was going to be another one of my event specific revivals and then settle back down. But its not. And I'm not even afraid 'll jinx it by posting about it. I'm not afraid to admit how genuinely happy I've been. Yesterday I cought myself being naive with someone who I'm pretty sure was conning me, and they totally got away with it, and I totally didn't even notice until after the fact. But you know what? I don't even care. This means I wasn't being skeptical of them. This means I wasn't looking for the worst in them or the hidden motive. I wasn't looking for the damage coming at me. I just took them for their face value and was completely unguarded and open. And that, friends, is a pretty big deal for me. A big fucking deal. Net result? I need to remember to be cautious, but I'm capable if just trusting again. And that makes me hapier than anything. I even cried. Another thing that happened made me angry, and instead of shutting down and going cold, I became passionate and cried again.
I can attribute this change to specific changes in my life, around my kids, around my workplace environment, and around renewed attention to the things I once cared about. But then some friends, both new and recovered from the past stepped in at the right time to make it stay that way. It has been thrilling and excellent. For many years I have been clinging to life because I had a litany of reasons to NOT DIE YET. Now, I actually feel like I have reasons for living.
But it gets better. All my reasons, and I have clung to them desperately, for NOT DYING had become an ingrained litany that I recited to myself in my head over and over constantly just to make myself stand. Now, the litany is still there, and it is still ingrained, and it isn't going away. I have been very good at containing the bad, keeping it tucked away. Now I am bubbling over with sudden laughter. This good feeling is harder to contain. Sorry, if I startled you.
I have made myself a new promise, something that people who know me know I don't do lightly. I have promised myself that I will do anything and everything I need to to keep this. I will not go cold and dark again. I will make choices and surround myself with the people and things that I love and bring this feeling out of me. I am a better father and a better human being. I will do whatever I need to do to stay that way.
And for the record, the demon agrees. This being alive thing is pretty good.
I have been suffering from a near complete emotional shut down for a very long time. I have had breif moments here and there of surfacing, but they have not lasted for any worthwhile length of time. I have been so used to it, that it has been comepletely normal for me to feel like death, or feel like nothing at all, and completely operate without hesitation for days and weeks at a time. But functioning on that level limits what you are capable of in ways that you can't even think about. Vast swaths of normal human function seem irrelevant. And it makes it easier to live cheaply and efficiently, but it also makes it a lot easier to let yourself become hurt, to accept other people's damage upon yourself matter of factly and not even know why that is a problem. You adapt patterns of normal behavior, just to avoid people, but then you find that you have misapplied them and people get confused and you end up interacting anyway.
Well, its stopped. I'm awake again. And this time, it isn't a brief window around a specific event. It is a constant bubbling fucking fountain of uncontainable god damn joy and it will not stop making me exclaim enthusiastically and scaring my coworkers. My kids see it, and they are happy about it. My closest friend of the last eighteen years is amazed by it and compare it to what I was like when we first met. And I don't even mind being at work any more. I am solid.
This change has been coming on for a couple few months now, and I thought it was going to be another one of my event specific revivals and then settle back down. But its not. And I'm not even afraid 'll jinx it by posting about it. I'm not afraid to admit how genuinely happy I've been. Yesterday I cought myself being naive with someone who I'm pretty sure was conning me, and they totally got away with it, and I totally didn't even notice until after the fact. But you know what? I don't even care. This means I wasn't being skeptical of them. This means I wasn't looking for the worst in them or the hidden motive. I wasn't looking for the damage coming at me. I just took them for their face value and was completely unguarded and open. And that, friends, is a pretty big deal for me. A big fucking deal. Net result? I need to remember to be cautious, but I'm capable if just trusting again. And that makes me hapier than anything. I even cried. Another thing that happened made me angry, and instead of shutting down and going cold, I became passionate and cried again.
I can attribute this change to specific changes in my life, around my kids, around my workplace environment, and around renewed attention to the things I once cared about. But then some friends, both new and recovered from the past stepped in at the right time to make it stay that way. It has been thrilling and excellent. For many years I have been clinging to life because I had a litany of reasons to NOT DIE YET. Now, I actually feel like I have reasons for living.
But it gets better. All my reasons, and I have clung to them desperately, for NOT DYING had become an ingrained litany that I recited to myself in my head over and over constantly just to make myself stand. Now, the litany is still there, and it is still ingrained, and it isn't going away. I have been very good at containing the bad, keeping it tucked away. Now I am bubbling over with sudden laughter. This good feeling is harder to contain. Sorry, if I startled you.
I have made myself a new promise, something that people who know me know I don't do lightly. I have promised myself that I will do anything and everything I need to to keep this. I will not go cold and dark again. I will make choices and surround myself with the people and things that I love and bring this feeling out of me. I am a better father and a better human being. I will do whatever I need to do to stay that way.
And for the record, the demon agrees. This being alive thing is pretty good.