'the things we think we're missing' ~ a rare public entry
i had restless, pins-&-needles limbs and kept shifting in bed and disturbing my husband last night and so i took a bath. i left my phone in the bedroom so i'd not sneak on social media or play words with friends and i just relaxed.
and began to think about people i've lost in my life. and here they are:
lynnie: the woman who was the first love of a woman i ever felt. the woman who i wrote many stories with, and the first crux of my white wolf characters came from. the woman who hated The Rest Of Them as much as me. the woman i charged a plane ticket out of muskegon to go see. we basically sat in her room on computers, writing away, watching movies, and more writing, and did little else for $600 of my airline fee. the woman who disappeared with no explanation. came back for a spell, then disappeared again.
i thought of ellie. the very first friend i made in the AOL gaming crowd in 1998. the friend who came to michigan more than once. the friend whose partner blames me for the fact ellie came on to me and i fell into it, during a lonely time in 2009. a time that was no one's fault and, ultimately, was harmless. a woman who i apologised to for that fact, but still calls me the whore, me the drama queen, and me the trouble maker. how i felt that our friendship beyond that stuff should've prevailed. whose LJ i left an anon comment on because my actual LJ name is blocked. asking for peace. offering an olive branch. for not just her, BUT her companion, dawn. because life is bigger than this incident, and friends are important.
i thought of the girls from the orignal Psouls forum, gone "belletrism.org," who watched me through many weights and transitions in my life. who i got jealous of because they could all afford to go to meet-ups to see each other in person, then bask about it on the board after the fact, and i felt left out. i got salty and left. and i lost many good friends in the process.
much of this is my fault, maybe... but not all of it. not ALL of it. but whose fault it is doesn't matter. it doesn't MATTER. but if i can look past things for the sake of regaining amazing friendships, can't anyone else? i guess not.
i found lynnie on a google search, doing canned articles for health/beauty/etc articles. social interests. i know i found her on AOL before i found her there, hiding under a male perosona but forgetting that someone knew her well enough to know her writing style & know the way she hides from people she's trying to avoid. to know the phrases she loved best and recognize those phrases used to a T on a new site, a new layout. who built a website with her and saw her use the same skeleton for something, someone new.
i know that ellie is a trucker and has come through MI more than once. i know on LJ her significant other was pissed that she may or may not have to drive through MI because "that hooker lives there." yes, that hooker who did nothing but fall into the pretty and intense words ellie herself laid out for me. words that were just words.
i know that none of this matters. i know that all of my 20's were spent invested in these people who have taken themselves away from me... or who i've gotten rid of. people who i'd love to know what they're up to now, sincerely, how far they've come, what their accomplishments are. are they happy? i pray to whatever's out there that they are. people who i'd love to tell about my husband, the extraordinary way i met him and how we likely would've never connected "if not for...." and who i can show what an amazing young woman my daughter's become. that oh, my god, i actually bought a house. that i left the hospital and i'm writing for a living. barely making it, sure... but i am. people i can whine to about politics, insurance. people i can reminsce with about The Old Days. people who i feel my husband would enjoy speaking to. people who are the sort to share this sort of thing with.. but for whatever reason, it's not allowed anymore.
last night i mourned all of this, then i drained the bath, went to bed, woke up, and moved on. i hope they are all well. i know that despite financial duress, health, or whatever else... i am doing well. and i am happy. and i am loved. and i am fulfilled. and i will keep on going. i will always think of these people: i will think of ellie whenever and forever, when i hear the goo goo dolls or watch shawshank redemption. i will always think of lynnie when i watch LotR or listen to silverchair. every time i step on the scale i will think of the girls from trism. and i will just hope everyone is doing well, even if they can't tolerate rebuilding a bridge with me.