Time to write again
Ohhhh dear.. so much has happened recently...
But that is nothing I want to bother people with today. Today I want to describe some feelings that are going on inside of me.
I am frozen in time.
The world goes on changing, everyone moves on and I got left behind somewhere along the way. Everything around me is so lonesome, so unreal and so dead though I can see everyone in their every day lives as they evolve, develope their personalities, their relationships, harvest their happiness and their pain.
For me however time stands still...
Someone once asked me why my avatars and generally everything I draw look so sad. And I honestly have to say, I don't know. I don't see them as sad. But then he said that my drawings are a reflection of myself and it kind of scares me. I took out most of my drawings and for real, most of my drawn charpics or other persons hardly ever smile. They have these artificial facial expressions that never move, like china dolls almost.
I am frozen in time while everything around me moves.
Of course I age, or my shell does. Of course I evolve to a certain degree but my pain, my fears never passes on. I don't cling to it, i dislike feeling it, but no matter how much I am able to preach others to forgive and forget, no matter how much I am able to help others, I am unable to help myself. I still hate Lions_, well maybe hate is exhaggerated, I suffer from what he did to me. I would love to do nothing else but to forget and be friends with him, to be happy and normal around him. Instead my pain stays with me and never passes on, edged deep into my flesh and bones.
I want to be able to forgive Silberwolf for not talking to me in our Relationship and breaking up with me so suddenly and for allowing me to move away from my family to him when he already knew it wouldn't last. It has brought so many benefits, so many new friends. And it even enabled Whisker, my beloved kitty (cat for real) to enter my life and still my time is frozen, though I desire to forgive him I can't.
I am crippeled.
I feel like I was a person in a wheelchair, who knows how to walk, who wants to walk desperatelly but can't. Not because he's lazy or weak. Everyone who knows me know I am mostly a very kind hearted and loving person. It's just impossible no matter how hard I try.
Would things be different if I had not spoken a self fullfilling prediction?
I told Lions_ that I would never be able to forget, that he had crushed the last pieces of my frail heart that day.
I told Silberwolf I would never be able to forgive him for lying to me and pretending everything is alright.
There are sooo many things that are locked up inside me and no matter how often I release them, how often I throw tantrums, and yes even if it sounds emo, no matter how often I hurt, cut, hit myself the pain won't go away. It just returns to me. My only companion ever to be loyal to me. Pain...
I would do anything to be able to throw the dice agian, to move on on the board we play our lives on. But someone passed me the "miss all turns" card and I am left standing here. Do I want revenge for what has happened? Maybe. I'm uncertain. I want them to suffer as much as I do. Maybe if they miss their turns in stead of me I can finally move on? Is it selfish? You try to live over 2 years without a single happy day in your life and we'll see how selfish you can become...
But that is nothing I want to bother people with today. Today I want to describe some feelings that are going on inside of me.
I am frozen in time.
The world goes on changing, everyone moves on and I got left behind somewhere along the way. Everything around me is so lonesome, so unreal and so dead though I can see everyone in their every day lives as they evolve, develope their personalities, their relationships, harvest their happiness and their pain.
For me however time stands still...
Someone once asked me why my avatars and generally everything I draw look so sad. And I honestly have to say, I don't know. I don't see them as sad. But then he said that my drawings are a reflection of myself and it kind of scares me. I took out most of my drawings and for real, most of my drawn charpics or other persons hardly ever smile. They have these artificial facial expressions that never move, like china dolls almost.
I am frozen in time while everything around me moves.
Of course I age, or my shell does. Of course I evolve to a certain degree but my pain, my fears never passes on. I don't cling to it, i dislike feeling it, but no matter how much I am able to preach others to forgive and forget, no matter how much I am able to help others, I am unable to help myself. I still hate Lions_, well maybe hate is exhaggerated, I suffer from what he did to me. I would love to do nothing else but to forget and be friends with him, to be happy and normal around him. Instead my pain stays with me and never passes on, edged deep into my flesh and bones.
I want to be able to forgive Silberwolf for not talking to me in our Relationship and breaking up with me so suddenly and for allowing me to move away from my family to him when he already knew it wouldn't last. It has brought so many benefits, so many new friends. And it even enabled Whisker, my beloved kitty (cat for real) to enter my life and still my time is frozen, though I desire to forgive him I can't.
I am crippeled.
I feel like I was a person in a wheelchair, who knows how to walk, who wants to walk desperatelly but can't. Not because he's lazy or weak. Everyone who knows me know I am mostly a very kind hearted and loving person. It's just impossible no matter how hard I try.
Would things be different if I had not spoken a self fullfilling prediction?
I told Lions_ that I would never be able to forget, that he had crushed the last pieces of my frail heart that day.
I told Silberwolf I would never be able to forgive him for lying to me and pretending everything is alright.
There are sooo many things that are locked up inside me and no matter how often I release them, how often I throw tantrums, and yes even if it sounds emo, no matter how often I hurt, cut, hit myself the pain won't go away. It just returns to me. My only companion ever to be loyal to me. Pain...
I would do anything to be able to throw the dice agian, to move on on the board we play our lives on. But someone passed me the "miss all turns" card and I am left standing here. Do I want revenge for what has happened? Maybe. I'm uncertain. I want them to suffer as much as I do. Maybe if they miss their turns in stead of me I can finally move on? Is it selfish? You try to live over 2 years without a single happy day in your life and we'll see how selfish you can become...