*hugs* iam so sorry my dear. i DO love you so very much but..... *sighs* i dont want to discuss that any more. that thing itself bothers me so much already, i dont even want to THINK about it at the moment. i didnt want to hurt you. i guess its just the coldhearted me i've always been and will always be. right at the moment my feelings are so mixed up.... i feel sorry for ever getting into an relationship with you. not because /I/ dont want it or that /I/ would regrett it, no. its because i once more got someone i really like, into the position that i'll hurt him every now and then. i feel so sorry for what i've done, but ... i also know it wont be the last time a thing like that happend. i know things like that will happen again and again and the more i try to avoid such situations, the more such situations will occure more often and even harder. i went to bed yesterday and felt nothing. really nothing. no anger, no love, no pain, no shame for what i did, not even tired or bored... just nothing. Strong feelings like love, fear and shame already came back to me that morning. thats why i wrote you the message. i DO feel sorry for what happend yesterday, but... it isnt eating me up from inside as usually. and i dont even worry about that. at least my brain started to believe that something must be wrong that i dont even worry...
life is taking and hard tight grip on me lately and again iam starting to think about taking 100% of my time for working. iam thinking about getting an job for the weekend to distract me from things i would think about if i have 'spare' time (like weekend)
i just hope i'll be at least a BIT more ballanced soon again. i dont want to hurt you, my love. i know i did... i know i do... but i wish it wheren't so. and i thank you so much for not giving me up that easily *kiss*
i went to bed yesterday and felt nothing. really nothing. no anger, no love, no pain, no shame for what i did, not even tired or bored... just nothing.
Strong feelings like love, fear and shame already came back to me that morning. thats why i wrote you the message. i DO feel sorry for what happend yesterday, but... it isnt eating me up from inside as usually. and i dont even worry about that. at least my brain started to believe that something must be wrong that i dont even worry...
life is taking and hard tight grip on me lately and again iam starting to think about taking 100% of my time for working. iam thinking about getting an job for the weekend to distract me from things i would think about if i have 'spare' time (like weekend)
i just hope i'll be at least a BIT more ballanced soon again. i dont want to hurt you, my love. i know i did... i know i do... but i wish it wheren't so.
and i thank you so much for not giving me up that easily *kiss*
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