"I've Been Standing Here My Whole Life." (Vorkosigan Saga) PG
Title: I've Been Standing Here My Whole Life. (On Archive Of Our Own)
Author:
lannamichaels
Fandom: Vorkosigan Saga
Rating: PG
A/N: For 2013 Trope Bingo free space square. Trope: Secret Twin/Doppelganger. In this fic, 'Miles' refers to the-clone-also-known-as-Mark-Vorkosigan. The title is from Runnin' by Adam Lambert.
Summary: He kills Galen and leaves.
1.
He stows away on the first ship he can, bribes one of the guards with the last of the goodies he'd taken from Galen, and finds himself in the brig for his troubles.
The captain comes down and asks him what he thinks he's doing running away from home, kid. Kid.
Miles congratulates himself for choosing such a stupid planet to escape from. "Want to see the stars, sir." Sir. Sir. Miles knows how to speak respect and swallow the rest. Galen would tell the man how stupid he is, but Miles isn't like that. Miles still has his brain in his body and he knows how to use it. They've broken his body, but everyone else is an idiot. That's an advantage they couldn't take from him.
Didn't take.
Maybe couldn't, maybe didn't. Miles didn't stick around long enough to find out. Everyone's expendable. Take what you can, and then kill them before they can kill you. Miles hasn't survived to sixteen by being like everyone else, by being stupid.
"Can you work?" The captain asks.
Miles nods.
2.
He has to give his name and he considers. Miles he keeps because that's his, it's what his friends called him, back when he still had friends, back before he knew what was planned for his future. Miles, then. Miles for the ones who didn't make it out alive, whose names marked them as expendable, who carried their own minds but never their own genes, who never had a chance to become themselves. Because just because Miles ended up being someone else, too, just because he's not the only one, doesn't mean he has to stop using it. Can't be himself. That wasn't in the deal.
But he hesitates on the rest. This planet likes origin names and Miles doesn't have one, not one he'd like to admit to. Galen commissioned him, but Galen can just keep being dead. The other origins, Barrayar and Beta Colony, those can't count, either. Those aren't him. That's other-Miles. That's the one with the family. Miles just has himself.
Jackson, he eventually decides. That's the only thing that's his, not other-Miles's. It's his past, it's his origin, it's everything about him. He only exists because of Jackson's Whole, only still breathes because of the lessons it taught him. It isn't home; Miles doesn't have anything as stupid as that. But it's what made him, what broke him, what formed every inch of him. That's more literal for him than for most people, but Miles dreams of body mods his way, where he'll pay someone enough to fix what Galen had broken, and he'll finally lose the marks Jackson's Whole burned into his bones.
And then maybe he'll take another origin name. But that's going to wait on funds.
3.
Miles Jackson turns seventeen on shore leave on Escobar and promptly deserts the ship for better prospects. New planet, new start. He can disappear here, wait out any hunt, and then hunt down the leads he'd collected before disposing of Galen.
He hides out long enough to turn eighteen and then resurfaces richer, somewhat older, kind of wiser, and still looking like other-Miles. He'd looked him up during the downtime, been disappointed to see just how much they resemble each other. But other-Miles is damaged even more than Miles is. Miles would pity the poor fuck, except that the other one has a family and friends and a future. A purpose. A past that didn't include learning the lessons of Jackson's Whole. Never grew up to be an assassination weapon, never saw someone else looking out through a friend's eyes.
Miles hates him, but less than he used to. He isn't the other one, never will be. He could have been, but he'd killed that chance and doesn't regret a minute of it. He's done being a puppet.
He slips aboard a ship, this time as a passenger. Takes a short hop through the local system and then comes back to Escobar and slouches up to immigration and tourism.
Jackson's Whole is behind him this time, and he owns to it. The official's lips thin and Miles grins, runs with it. Produces his Jacksonian documents, which he'd made himself and they look like it, because everyone knows Jackson's Whole and everyone knows the filth that leaves. Miles could have bought himself better papers, could have passed himself off as a native of a dozen other planets, but why lie when you can get away with the truth? It's much more ruthless to tell the truth.
Miles Jackson, he signs himself.
The paperwork wants parents names and Miles stares at it, then raises his chin up. "I'm a clone," he says. Sounds proud about it. "Who do you want me to put?"
"If the biological parents or other family weren't involved," the official says, and then grimaces, "which I assume they weren't," goddamn Jackson's Whole, Miles can practically hear her think, "put whoever was responsible-- stood in loco parentis."
Miles shrugs. He writes: Richard Galen.
4.
The Barrayarans come five days later. It's a polite knock on his door. Miles thinks, stupid, but it had to happen eventually. Might as well be now, on his own turf, away from the Barrayaran power centers. The Barrayarans have shit for power on Escobar, he'd researched that before doing anything openly. And Miles is a refugee, officially. Apparently, when you tell Escobaran Immigration that you were raised so your brain could be removed and your body harvested, you become a refugee, get some extra protections. Miles wishes he'd known that earlier. Could have made things simpler when he'd knifed his way out of his proscribed future.
It's three Barrayarans at the door. Miles lets them in. They introduce themselves as two lieutenants and a major. They call him Mr. Jackson. They want to know about Galen.
Well, they wanted to know about Galen. Then Miles stands back and they get a good look at him and then there is a great deal of sputtering.
5.
Escobaran security aren't what Miles expected, but he has a thorough talk with himself about expectations, because right now, his Jacksonian-trained reflexes will probably get him murdered. He has to play this slowly, play this carefully, learn where his lines are. He doesn't know the Escobarans, not well enough. And he doesn't know the Barrayarans at all apart from Galen's trainings, and those were probably full of traps that would have sprung on him much too late for him to get out of them.
This isn't Jackson's Whole. This is something worse: the unknown. Ever since running away from home (thank you, Captain Boydan), Miles has done what he can to control his environment. You can't cut out unknowns entirely, but he's tried. Being open on Escobar was a calculated risk, and maybe he should have calculated more before taking it. He hopes the return is worth this investment.
Miles is officially informed that he does not have to speak to the Barrayarans at all. The Barrayarans are informed that they cannot coerce Miles into speaking with them.
And then everyone sits back and looks at Miles.
Back on Jackson's Whole, this would mean it's time for Miles to deal. He has information. They want his information. He can dictate terms here. He has the control, except that's not how it is at all.
"Tell me about the other Miles," he says to the Barrayarans, because he'll be damned if he'll let them dominate the conversation. He'll give for what he gets, do it equal. He's Miles Jackson, he isn't going to surrender. That's the easiest way to get yourself killed.
6.
A few days later, he's officially invited to Barrayar as a guest of their Emperor. He turns it down flat and Major Vorkalloner's eye twitches.
"Komarr?" Vorkalloner tries desperately.
"No," Miles says.
"Sergyar?"
"No." He isn't going anywhere the Barrayarans could grab him and empty him out, do tests on him for treatments to other-Miles, or yank his brain out.
But it turns out, Barrayar can come to you.
7.
Cordelia Vorkosigan winces when he calls her "ma'am", asks him to call her "mother".
No. She's other-Miles's mother, she's not his. Miles doesn't have a mother. He's not going to start pretending now.
Cordelia Vorkosigan wants to be his mother and also informs him that he's legally still a minor on Barrayar, and Miles is still not a kid. Never was. Sees no reason to regret not being. Isn't going to start now.
"I'm not him," Miles says. "I'm not yours."
He could be, she tells him. Miles would rather die.
Miles killed so he wouldn't have to be hers. Theirs. Anybody's. Pawns get sacrificed, and so do kings. Chess is just a game, all of the pieces are expendable. Once you kill the king, you just start all over again, but tell that to the defeated and deposed king. The only way to win is to toss over the board and walk away. Miles doesn't play chess, he enjoys breathing too much, knows he'd just be one of the pieces, never the master. Miles will leave all that to other-Miles, quite happily.
She stays for a month and then leaves, threatening to keep in touch.
8.
Barrayarans aren't all total losses. Miles gets a funny letter from other-Miles's father that's almost perfect. Aral Vorkosigan understands that Miles isn't other-Miles but doesn't really and actually not at all and wants to make it perfectly clear that Miles isn't other-Miles, but invites Miles to try, while forbidding him from ever trying at all. Miles is welcome on Barrayar, but isn't, is welcome at their home without but also with conditions. Looks like Aral Vorkosigan's Miles, but isn't him, and that's bad and good and Miles has never laughed this hard.
The only problem is, it's not addressed to him.
"My second son would be named Mark," Aral Vorkosigan says, "and Cordelia has claimed you as her second son. My son, too. Mark Vorkosigan."
Ruin of a perfectly good letter. Waste of a perfectly good hope that maybe one of his not-relatives is someone he could ever understand. Whoever Mark Vorkosigan is, was, could be, it's not Miles. If Aral and Cordelia want a second son, they can do it the normal way and crack open the replicator. Miles isn't interested in that job. If they'd wanted him, they're eighteen years too late.
9.
Someone calls him Naismith once. Miles looks him up, doesn't stop laughing for a while. Galen was an idiot. Miles has known that, but Galen was such an idiot. Galen's plans never would have worked. Naismith. Naismith. Naismith. Galen had no clue.
Miles hasn't saved up for a full body mod yet, but he gets the first part done anyway, because Galen was an idiot and Miles is going to celebrate.
10.
He likes Escobar and he moves on. Makes his fortune, loses it, makes it again. Makes his own life, likes it.
Finds help, maybe. Maybe finds happiness.
Never goes to Barrayar. He ran away from home, isn't going to run towards one that was never his.
Meets the other Miles once; once is enough.
He thinks he's happy, knows he's alive. It's more than the others could say.
It's enough.
This entry was originally posted at http://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/714437.html.