(no subject)
I'm sorry if I've been selfish. Sometimes all I can do is point desperately at this big gaping hole that is my depression and cry that sometimes just waking up and breathing is hard.
And the days when I let myself off the hook for a phone call I didn't make, a hand I didn't extend, a question I didn't ask, a plan I didn't keep, I worry that I'm already abusing this power. If I have to carry this weight on my shoulders, if I've survived 15 years of being strong, I am finally lashing out and flaunting this weakness and calling in all my favors. DON'T I FUCKING DESERVE IT?!?!
But I'm ashamed of the accidental hurts I cause, the bitterness I can't always conceal, the self-centered worldview I can't shake.
I don't want to lean on this excuse for my multitudes of inconsiderate bullshit, because too often a personal weakness becomes a crutch. Being depressed doesn't mean you get to be an asshole.
So I'm back at I'm sorry, and trying to make my actions speak louder than words. Hoping that karma leaves me out of it.
And the days when I let myself off the hook for a phone call I didn't make, a hand I didn't extend, a question I didn't ask, a plan I didn't keep, I worry that I'm already abusing this power. If I have to carry this weight on my shoulders, if I've survived 15 years of being strong, I am finally lashing out and flaunting this weakness and calling in all my favors. DON'T I FUCKING DESERVE IT?!?!
But I'm ashamed of the accidental hurts I cause, the bitterness I can't always conceal, the self-centered worldview I can't shake.
I don't want to lean on this excuse for my multitudes of inconsiderate bullshit, because too often a personal weakness becomes a crutch. Being depressed doesn't mean you get to be an asshole.
So I'm back at I'm sorry, and trying to make my actions speak louder than words. Hoping that karma leaves me out of it.