(no subject)
So I quit/retired/went on an indefinite LOA from derby. I wanted to make sure my team didn't hold on to yet another skater who couldn't commit to the team. Drafts were coming up and I just don't know if I can skate next year. I want to. I like to skate. But since I twinged my ankle several months ago, I've never gotten mobility back in that joint - though it doesn't HURT all the time now - and my shin splints have become unbearable. Even just short walks can aggravate them, and after 10 minutes of skating I don't feel safe since my legs just lock up. So since I was avoiding practice - because it hurt and I couldn't keep up - my endurance has gone to shit and my skills - never great to begin with - are pathetic. It's like starting from scratch, but without the enthusiasm and with more pain.
And now I just feel isolated. I moved to Baltimore and found friends. But I found them through roller derby. I didn't abandon friends for this hobby, but I got into it to meet people and force some social interaction into my new life here. So now without it, I'm at a loss.
I've just been such a mess mentally lately. I know that withdrawing from everything isn't a solution, but at the same time, I don't see what other choices I have. I've never spent so much time just wallowing in self-loathing. I spend all my time either hating myself or distracting myself with stupid bullshit so I'm not just sitting around hating myself. I can't seem to be productive, so I get into a cycle of hating myself for procrastinating on all these things I should be doing.
I just don't see any kind of future ahead of me. I'm in a job, career, and field that I have no interest in and no real ability to progress further. The education I wanted to pursue is out of my reach financially, and from all accounts, another dead end. I moved to Baltimore because I thought I would have a social group here, and then created my own, and now have neither. But I felt the same way in DC and wasn't happy there either. My parents are pushing me to look at a government job, but that ends up being just another thing on the list of shit I don't do and then hate myself for in the morning.
I just can't find joy in anything right now. I read, but don't care. I avoid books I want to read because I pick them up, realize they're depressing subjects, and don't trust myself to read them. I pick up a crochet hook and have no real urge to make anything. I think about trying to sew, but realize that I don't want to even think about clothes when I'm this disgusted with myself, and I dread the resulting mess that I'll then have to clean up with nothing to show for it. I tried open skate, but still hurt.
I need to get to the doctor. I still haven't gotten blood work done to see if my thyroid is a problem, and I need to get to an ortho to try to figure out if there's anything to be done about these shin splints. And I don't even want to think about trying to find a therapist, but I know I have to do something. But these are just these enormous roadblocks that look 50 feet tall, and doing more than sitting on the couch is more than I can handle right now.
And now I just feel isolated. I moved to Baltimore and found friends. But I found them through roller derby. I didn't abandon friends for this hobby, but I got into it to meet people and force some social interaction into my new life here. So now without it, I'm at a loss.
I've just been such a mess mentally lately. I know that withdrawing from everything isn't a solution, but at the same time, I don't see what other choices I have. I've never spent so much time just wallowing in self-loathing. I spend all my time either hating myself or distracting myself with stupid bullshit so I'm not just sitting around hating myself. I can't seem to be productive, so I get into a cycle of hating myself for procrastinating on all these things I should be doing.
I just don't see any kind of future ahead of me. I'm in a job, career, and field that I have no interest in and no real ability to progress further. The education I wanted to pursue is out of my reach financially, and from all accounts, another dead end. I moved to Baltimore because I thought I would have a social group here, and then created my own, and now have neither. But I felt the same way in DC and wasn't happy there either. My parents are pushing me to look at a government job, but that ends up being just another thing on the list of shit I don't do and then hate myself for in the morning.
I just can't find joy in anything right now. I read, but don't care. I avoid books I want to read because I pick them up, realize they're depressing subjects, and don't trust myself to read them. I pick up a crochet hook and have no real urge to make anything. I think about trying to sew, but realize that I don't want to even think about clothes when I'm this disgusted with myself, and I dread the resulting mess that I'll then have to clean up with nothing to show for it. I tried open skate, but still hurt.
I need to get to the doctor. I still haven't gotten blood work done to see if my thyroid is a problem, and I need to get to an ortho to try to figure out if there's anything to be done about these shin splints. And I don't even want to think about trying to find a therapist, but I know I have to do something. But these are just these enormous roadblocks that look 50 feet tall, and doing more than sitting on the couch is more than I can handle right now.