Just in a really weird head space today...
Work continues to be a clusterfuck. It sure is interesting hanging out and assuming I'm going to get fired. Every day just gets more and more stressful, and if I thought I could stand to go back to BB I would actually be considering it. What does one do in this situation? I'm nearly in tears at least once a day, and I feel physically ill by the time I leave.
Josh is sick and I don't want to read my book. So my night has consisted of being quiet downstairs and not accomplishing a god-damned thing. I need some fucking friends and I need to actually pursue my hobbies. I need motivation. Or a life. Or friends. Or a gun.
It's been a really weird day... I'm stressing because of a recent wave of rapes in my general vicinity. (http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/baltimore-city/bal-rape1104,0,4946556.story) Of course, who knows what the usual number would be, but the news is reporting this batch of them. They're striking uncomfortably close to home - on several levels - and of course they started right when it started getting dark by 530. I guess it always gets dark early in the winter, but this just seems nuts... And it will only get worse! It seems like winter always takes me by surprise, and now I'm walking home in the dark. It's interesting being part of a community of women when stuff like this happens. I'm really struck by how much it affects a lot us. I keep trying to put my thoughts on it into words, but I just can't seem to. But the guys I've mentioned it to have all blown it off, whereas most of the women seem to really take it to heart. Is it because we are raised with this fear of it being the worst thing that can happen? Is it because we're so used to various kinds of sexual harassment that we can place ourselves in this situation without much imagination? It's scary stuff. And I'm not the only one shaken up by it.
I'm kind of burnt out derby-wise... I haven't skated since the bout last month, and while I miss skating, man am I sick of the rest of the bullshit... I'm trying to sort through how I can participate in committees, and I just want to strangle everyone. To be fair, that's basically how I feel about just about everyone in my life right now... I seem to be surrounded by people with little to no management skills who are in the position of telling me what to do, or running things the way they want for no good reason. And I'm feeling disenfranchised and left out and walked on, or my ideas elicit no response or a sharply negative one. And I'm just kind of tired of it, and am kind of tired of the people, and am tired of investing effort for little payoff. And again, I'm saying this about derby, but I feel like I'm talking about the rest of my life too...
In weird family news apparently my great-aunt is moving to GA to be closer to my aunt and uncle. She's senile, or at least heading that way, but she's always been a little crazy. Hopefully my aunt and uncle can help keep her company, and hopefully they can handle this. I'm not really sure what I think of the whole mess, but I guess I hope it's for the best. My family has also kind of worn me out, and I can only imagine what fun I'll have when my parents make it back to the States next year. On the one hand, I miss them, on the other hand, they're just another added stressor that tends to run my life and pull me 10 directions at once. Despite some of the problems I've had because of their absence, I can't say that it wasn't nice having them far away...
In possibly family-related news... I got a phone call from a 307 number today on the way home. To make it worse... it was a hangup after I answered. I think. I also may have hung up out of fear, I can't say for sure. I saw the area code, read it as 703 and hit the answer button. But while picking up the call my brain kicked in and said WAIT NO OH SHIT and realized that it was a Wyoming area code and hung up. So I'm not sure who hung up on who, but I am certain that no one said anything on the other line. Were this a call from most other parts of the country I would be less concerned.... but frankly, there aren't that many people in Wyoming, and I doubt many of them have a reason to call a 202 number. I was hit by a realization that it could have been my cousin calling with news of my grandpa, so I checked FB just in case. Didn't seem to be any G'pa news, so I guess it was either a wrong number or my mother stalking me. Awesome. I haven't gotten any more calls tonight so I guess I can chalk it up to a wrong number for now.
Josh is sick and I don't want to read my book. So my night has consisted of being quiet downstairs and not accomplishing a god-damned thing. I need some fucking friends and I need to actually pursue my hobbies. I need motivation. Or a life. Or friends. Or a gun.
It's been a really weird day... I'm stressing because of a recent wave of rapes in my general vicinity. (http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/baltimore-city/bal-rape1104,0,4946556.story) Of course, who knows what the usual number would be, but the news is reporting this batch of them. They're striking uncomfortably close to home - on several levels - and of course they started right when it started getting dark by 530. I guess it always gets dark early in the winter, but this just seems nuts... And it will only get worse! It seems like winter always takes me by surprise, and now I'm walking home in the dark. It's interesting being part of a community of women when stuff like this happens. I'm really struck by how much it affects a lot us. I keep trying to put my thoughts on it into words, but I just can't seem to. But the guys I've mentioned it to have all blown it off, whereas most of the women seem to really take it to heart. Is it because we are raised with this fear of it being the worst thing that can happen? Is it because we're so used to various kinds of sexual harassment that we can place ourselves in this situation without much imagination? It's scary stuff. And I'm not the only one shaken up by it.
I'm kind of burnt out derby-wise... I haven't skated since the bout last month, and while I miss skating, man am I sick of the rest of the bullshit... I'm trying to sort through how I can participate in committees, and I just want to strangle everyone. To be fair, that's basically how I feel about just about everyone in my life right now... I seem to be surrounded by people with little to no management skills who are in the position of telling me what to do, or running things the way they want for no good reason. And I'm feeling disenfranchised and left out and walked on, or my ideas elicit no response or a sharply negative one. And I'm just kind of tired of it, and am kind of tired of the people, and am tired of investing effort for little payoff. And again, I'm saying this about derby, but I feel like I'm talking about the rest of my life too...
In weird family news apparently my great-aunt is moving to GA to be closer to my aunt and uncle. She's senile, or at least heading that way, but she's always been a little crazy. Hopefully my aunt and uncle can help keep her company, and hopefully they can handle this. I'm not really sure what I think of the whole mess, but I guess I hope it's for the best. My family has also kind of worn me out, and I can only imagine what fun I'll have when my parents make it back to the States next year. On the one hand, I miss them, on the other hand, they're just another added stressor that tends to run my life and pull me 10 directions at once. Despite some of the problems I've had because of their absence, I can't say that it wasn't nice having them far away...
In possibly family-related news... I got a phone call from a 307 number today on the way home. To make it worse... it was a hangup after I answered. I think. I also may have hung up out of fear, I can't say for sure. I saw the area code, read it as 703 and hit the answer button. But while picking up the call my brain kicked in and said WAIT NO OH SHIT and realized that it was a Wyoming area code and hung up. So I'm not sure who hung up on who, but I am certain that no one said anything on the other line. Were this a call from most other parts of the country I would be less concerned.... but frankly, there aren't that many people in Wyoming, and I doubt many of them have a reason to call a 202 number. I was hit by a realization that it could have been my cousin calling with news of my grandpa, so I checked FB just in case. Didn't seem to be any G'pa news, so I guess it was either a wrong number or my mother stalking me. Awesome. I haven't gotten any more calls tonight so I guess I can chalk it up to a wrong number for now.