(no subject)
My birthday is fast approaching and it is one of the most stressful times of the year for me. The pressure stems from three sources. First, my parents want me to tell them what I want. They have no understanding of me as a person and fail hopelessly whenever they try to actually surprise me with a gift. This wouldn't be a big deal if I actually desired a specific item in their price range. As it stands, the things I want are either intangible (world peace, girlfriend, universal reverence of my genius etc.) or quite pricey (car, girlfriend, the whole Criterion Collection etc.). They, sensibly, started pestering me about this roughly a month ago, which gave me more than enough time to think of something. Well I didn't, and I am already expecting a gift card for Best Buy. Again. And I won't use it for another year.
The second source of my stress also stems from my parents. My actual birthday is going to fall on a Saturday, and they want to know if I'll be coming home for it. Well I don't know. What kind of celebration do I want? I have no idea. In a perfect world, they would decide by themselves and the choice would please me. Unfortunately, this world is not even remotely close to being perfect and I am bound to be disappointed no matter what.
I am used to dealing with my parents though, and I know they mean well, so this isn't the main problem. The much bigger issue is the insecurity that resurfaces around this time of year. Attempting to plan some sort of personal celebration with my friends leads to the toughest question I ever had to face: Who are my friends? These people that I tend to associate with, am I actually close to them or do they just tolerate me? These two questions eat away at me and remind me of just how insecure and alone I am. Clearly my friends aren't that close to me if I can't even recognize them.
The second source of my stress also stems from my parents. My actual birthday is going to fall on a Saturday, and they want to know if I'll be coming home for it. Well I don't know. What kind of celebration do I want? I have no idea. In a perfect world, they would decide by themselves and the choice would please me. Unfortunately, this world is not even remotely close to being perfect and I am bound to be disappointed no matter what.
I am used to dealing with my parents though, and I know they mean well, so this isn't the main problem. The much bigger issue is the insecurity that resurfaces around this time of year. Attempting to plan some sort of personal celebration with my friends leads to the toughest question I ever had to face: Who are my friends? These people that I tend to associate with, am I actually close to them or do they just tolerate me? These two questions eat away at me and remind me of just how insecure and alone I am. Clearly my friends aren't that close to me if I can't even recognize them.