GUTS
Guts. // an abbreviation for "Gut's Soul," the korean dining establishment where we all went to dinner after the christmas dorm party two years ago; the spot where we met up before I'd come home from 7 months away, and he asked me to be part of his life again; the restaurant where we all went to dinner tonight.
This word also can refer to the things that you keep down inside of yourself, that give you the push to do something crazy.
And at times it's just a sound, the same as any other, that you can chew in your mouth like a piece of barbecue, and chase down with a beer.
* *
Sometimes I just feel like my life is a dream that could be popped with a pin.
Did anything ever really happen to me? Or did I just imagine that everything was real up until now?
I know that's not possible, I know that the past must have been real, because for whatever reason I'm not the same as I think I was before. And everything from that time before feels so far away.
I have a ticket for this Thursday, and it feels like I'm going to another country -- to a place that isn't mine.
Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that he was ever mine.
But then there are those times when we are cluttered between people, and he pins me with his eyes. And everything blurs beyond the memory, as sure as yesterday, and clear and sharp as the edge of a diamond, when he first pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
And i wish that it was every day, so much that it makes me think that dreams have nothing to do with anything. My heart -- that was the thing struck with a pin and blown to pieces.
* * *
These days, I'm more concerned about being wise, and the truth is I don't always know what that entails. I don't know if I'm being fair to him, or if he's being unfair to me, or if it's both and neither all at once.
He just keeps talking like we aren't connected, and that's such an impossible thing to say. Right in front of my face, saying to those people who are about to get married, "Oh, tell me about your proposal! Oh, tell me about the lights of Yokohama bay! What, me? There's no one in my life. No, I'm not looking for that right now. But there are all these people who keep trying to set me up with their daughters. Ha ha."
And I sit there being silent, or maybe with folded hands. Most of the time, at least. Last night, I couldn't help myself -- I snorted. When Akiho-chan asked me what that was about, it was all I could do but say, "Akiho-chan, you don't know know anything."
But tonight, I just wanted to tap my glass with a knife, stand up and shout to the entire room, "Don't listen to ANYTHING this guy says. He IS in a relationship. With ME. We started dating last year in secret. And this past May, he asked me to marry him."
Then I will wait for the pause where everyone stares in shock, and if he tried to deny anything and try to make an excuse because of the embarrassment, I would continue,
"And remember when he came to that children's picnic in July -- two hours late? And he was looking like he hadn't showered? It's because he HADN'T. We'd been too busy having SEX."
So whenever he goes on like this, I just try to imagine everyone's expressions of horror if I were to fill in everything he's leaving out. And I think to myself,
"It's okay, because I know the truth. I know he still looks at me the same way. I just have to wait it out. And you guys -- You guys just don't know anything."
This word also can refer to the things that you keep down inside of yourself, that give you the push to do something crazy.
And at times it's just a sound, the same as any other, that you can chew in your mouth like a piece of barbecue, and chase down with a beer.
* *
Sometimes I just feel like my life is a dream that could be popped with a pin.
Did anything ever really happen to me? Or did I just imagine that everything was real up until now?
I know that's not possible, I know that the past must have been real, because for whatever reason I'm not the same as I think I was before. And everything from that time before feels so far away.
I have a ticket for this Thursday, and it feels like I'm going to another country -- to a place that isn't mine.
Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that he was ever mine.
But then there are those times when we are cluttered between people, and he pins me with his eyes. And everything blurs beyond the memory, as sure as yesterday, and clear and sharp as the edge of a diamond, when he first pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
And i wish that it was every day, so much that it makes me think that dreams have nothing to do with anything. My heart -- that was the thing struck with a pin and blown to pieces.
* * *
These days, I'm more concerned about being wise, and the truth is I don't always know what that entails. I don't know if I'm being fair to him, or if he's being unfair to me, or if it's both and neither all at once.
He just keeps talking like we aren't connected, and that's such an impossible thing to say. Right in front of my face, saying to those people who are about to get married, "Oh, tell me about your proposal! Oh, tell me about the lights of Yokohama bay! What, me? There's no one in my life. No, I'm not looking for that right now. But there are all these people who keep trying to set me up with their daughters. Ha ha."
And I sit there being silent, or maybe with folded hands. Most of the time, at least. Last night, I couldn't help myself -- I snorted. When Akiho-chan asked me what that was about, it was all I could do but say, "Akiho-chan, you don't know know anything."
But tonight, I just wanted to tap my glass with a knife, stand up and shout to the entire room, "Don't listen to ANYTHING this guy says. He IS in a relationship. With ME. We started dating last year in secret. And this past May, he asked me to marry him."
Then I will wait for the pause where everyone stares in shock, and if he tried to deny anything and try to make an excuse because of the embarrassment, I would continue,
"And remember when he came to that children's picnic in July -- two hours late? And he was looking like he hadn't showered? It's because he HADN'T. We'd been too busy having SEX."
So whenever he goes on like this, I just try to imagine everyone's expressions of horror if I were to fill in everything he's leaving out. And I think to myself,
"It's okay, because I know the truth. I know he still looks at me the same way. I just have to wait it out. And you guys -- You guys just don't know anything."