Madonna Week!
Glee had an episode on Madonna. It was amazing. It also made me realize that Glee has been shaping me in its singing, dancing manifestations since the start of the week. The message is of course..
GIRL POWER
And actually just self-empowerment in general. This is a pretty old-news story in the US but you rarely hear any of that individualized sort of message in this country. It's always reactive, something happens to you so then you do your best - very rarely is there all of that self-initiative and feminism and that other stuff which is sometimes too much, but often is just what you need to balance yourself again.
So that is what I have been doing. Re-balancing myself. Re-tracing my steps. Re-membering.
It started with getting sick from bad weather and too much alcohol and too little sleep - and the last two only went over the line because of that guy, who actually decided to enter my life without a single sign of respect. Completely self-absorbed, he was all up in my business nearly every day, completely ignorant of our recent relationship or my feelings -- just because he was lonely. By the time I was sick, I was really sick of him as well. And he crossed the line and mentioned the 2md toilet paper incident to everyone present - laughing - and told the story. To our church members.
I went home (innerly fuming, which is impressive for me in any circumstance) and as I scrapped together dinner I watched an episode of Glee.
Long story short: Rachel dumps Finn on his ass. Every man in the show is a total dick (except Kurt because omgheisKURT and also kind of a woman, for all purposes).
And then Kenny had the gall to skype me.
I spent two hours writing a two page letter in Japanese, telling him everything that's been bothering me about his behavior since forever and calling him a thoughtless, selfish person, pointing out instance after instance -- and then refusing to answer his calls. Because that is what he deserves. Maybe he will think about it.
Knowing him he is totally going crazy over it. On Monday night I bet he barely slept.
And you know what? When I clicked that send button, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I had done it. And I didn't feel like I had done something I would regret. I just felt... like the last of my burdens slipping away. I had finally decided that it was over.
Which meant that I was free to break loose.
One effect of this was that I had to remember who I was before I met Kenny. I never realized why characters in books make such a big deal out of this. Earth to me it is a freaking big deal.
So, I have begun this "reclaiming myself" thing. Finding joy in writing again. Not spending two hours trying on clothes. Not being late (admittedly this is self-improvement rather than actually returning to any previous state of non-existent timeliness). Dreaming. Learning to dream again. Learning how to love people again, instead of being a cynical bitch. <-- Also, stop cursing, because I never used to do that. Ever.
Sunday this meant letting Kenny down and letting myself go.
Monday this meant meeting Ikuya and not caring where it took me - just smiling to his way.
On Tuesday it meant being on time to class (!), studying in a cafe, writing and getting ahead and warm tea in my hands.
Today I was finally healthy. So today meant being on time again, getting an A on a quiz, remodeling; fixing my TV, putting up old photos of me with my high school friends on the walls. Baking more banana bread. Changing into running clothes and then when it began to rain, doing karate -- just because I can. I haven't done karate for three years, but I remembered all the punches and the kicks like a moment had never passed between them. And my form isn't that bad, either.
Which filled me with hope. If I can remember that, maybe I can get back to those things. Start combining what I've learned and what I hadn't learned. Maybe I can become that hopeful girl again. A hopeful girl who knows better than to make the same mistakes, but is still willing to make new ones.
And then I got a message from Lars asking me if I was interested in being part of a fashion show in May.
Anwyay, I have a presentation in the morning, but that is the news. I would just like to reiterate that "Madonna week" really has nothing to do with uber-sexuality because I'm kind of not with that (I think it's actually less self-respecting??). I am instead focusing on the fact that I am awesome. That everyone is awesome. That life is awesome. It is a conscious choice... because I want to be happy.
And also, my basil plant has finally sprouted. And even though it looked like little bug larvae at first, I know that the roots are spreading and soon I will have new leaves. (I'm sure there's symbolism in there, but I haven't the time...!)
:o
GIRL POWER
And actually just self-empowerment in general. This is a pretty old-news story in the US but you rarely hear any of that individualized sort of message in this country. It's always reactive, something happens to you so then you do your best - very rarely is there all of that self-initiative and feminism and that other stuff which is sometimes too much, but often is just what you need to balance yourself again.
So that is what I have been doing. Re-balancing myself. Re-tracing my steps. Re-membering.
It started with getting sick from bad weather and too much alcohol and too little sleep - and the last two only went over the line because of that guy, who actually decided to enter my life without a single sign of respect. Completely self-absorbed, he was all up in my business nearly every day, completely ignorant of our recent relationship or my feelings -- just because he was lonely. By the time I was sick, I was really sick of him as well. And he crossed the line and mentioned the 2md toilet paper incident to everyone present - laughing - and told the story. To our church members.
I went home (innerly fuming, which is impressive for me in any circumstance) and as I scrapped together dinner I watched an episode of Glee.
Long story short: Rachel dumps Finn on his ass. Every man in the show is a total dick (except Kurt because omgheisKURT and also kind of a woman, for all purposes).
And then Kenny had the gall to skype me.
I spent two hours writing a two page letter in Japanese, telling him everything that's been bothering me about his behavior since forever and calling him a thoughtless, selfish person, pointing out instance after instance -- and then refusing to answer his calls. Because that is what he deserves. Maybe he will think about it.
Knowing him he is totally going crazy over it. On Monday night I bet he barely slept.
And you know what? When I clicked that send button, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I had done it. And I didn't feel like I had done something I would regret. I just felt... like the last of my burdens slipping away. I had finally decided that it was over.
Which meant that I was free to break loose.
One effect of this was that I had to remember who I was before I met Kenny. I never realized why characters in books make such a big deal out of this. Earth to me it is a freaking big deal.
So, I have begun this "reclaiming myself" thing. Finding joy in writing again. Not spending two hours trying on clothes. Not being late (admittedly this is self-improvement rather than actually returning to any previous state of non-existent timeliness). Dreaming. Learning to dream again. Learning how to love people again, instead of being a cynical bitch. <-- Also, stop cursing, because I never used to do that. Ever.
Sunday this meant letting Kenny down and letting myself go.
Monday this meant meeting Ikuya and not caring where it took me - just smiling to his way.
On Tuesday it meant being on time to class (!), studying in a cafe, writing and getting ahead and warm tea in my hands.
Today I was finally healthy. So today meant being on time again, getting an A on a quiz, remodeling; fixing my TV, putting up old photos of me with my high school friends on the walls. Baking more banana bread. Changing into running clothes and then when it began to rain, doing karate -- just because I can. I haven't done karate for three years, but I remembered all the punches and the kicks like a moment had never passed between them. And my form isn't that bad, either.
Which filled me with hope. If I can remember that, maybe I can get back to those things. Start combining what I've learned and what I hadn't learned. Maybe I can become that hopeful girl again. A hopeful girl who knows better than to make the same mistakes, but is still willing to make new ones.
And then I got a message from Lars asking me if I was interested in being part of a fashion show in May.
Anwyay, I have a presentation in the morning, but that is the news. I would just like to reiterate that "Madonna week" really has nothing to do with uber-sexuality because I'm kind of not with that (I think it's actually less self-respecting??). I am instead focusing on the fact that I am awesome. That everyone is awesome. That life is awesome. It is a conscious choice... because I want to be happy.
And also, my basil plant has finally sprouted. And even though it looked like little bug larvae at first, I know that the roots are spreading and soon I will have new leaves. (I'm sure there's symbolism in there, but I haven't the time...!)
:o