Freaaaaaak.
(Stomach rolls of lols all over the place here.)
- - -
"When Teens Grind, Parents Freak"
... Starting from as early as the pun in the title, this is PERHAPS one of the worst articles of the decade so far. I've never felt the urge to cross-post an online article in my life, but this was just so ridiculous. Summary: parents across America are freaking out because children have sexual urges. WHILE IN PUBLIC.
The reporter/author/social defunct who is responsible for this article, Jacqueline Stenson, needs a serious brain transplant. The squishy mass inside of her skull is clearly not cutting it. It seems like she is out of touch with her sexual organs, her eyes, her memory of those hours of painful health classes and those little pamphlets explaining how boys are different from girls. All I'm suggesting is that maybe, once Stenson has the mental capacity to understand what grinding actually is, she will not be so horrified by it. Nor would she attempt to make us side with a woman who has similar mental problems, and is clearly not aware how babies are made:
"When Susan Schmaeling’s 16-year-old son complained to her that the priests chaperoning his Catholic high school's dance didn't allow him and other students to grind" so "she fought her impulse to scream. Instead, she tried to stay calm yet be very direct in her response.
“I told him that grinding is not an appropriate manner of dance,” says Schmaeling, a Houston mother of two," (Casey: I am ashamed but not surprised) "adding: “I’m old enough to be a grandmother but you’re not old enough to be a father.”
Ladies and gentleman, Susan Schmaeling's progression of thought:
my son wants to grind --> therefore --> my son is going to and/or wants to MAKE BABIES --> and babies SCARE ME--> scream.
Let's not even touch the weirdness of the fact that her sixteen year old son is telling her he wants to grind with girls. He's just asking for trouble. Or something. I really don't think I want to know.
But yeah, it's a pretty great way to start off the article. Of course, there's more, just like in any bad infomercial. Check out the case of the following:
"Some Minnetonka students resent being told they can't dance as they please, he says, but they’re in the minority and the kinds of students who also don't like not being able to swear at basketball games."
Have the meanings of "minority" and "majority" been switched without my knowledge? Or is Stenson enough of an idiot to believe her informants when they say that most teenagers aren't at least mildly rebellious? Even the kids in honor society weren't that full of douchery.
"The "Dance like Grandma's Watching" campaign uses tongue-in-cheek videos to get the point across. One video shows a student who doesn’t get into Harvard because of a prior citation for grinding, another video depicts a student who is bandaged up and bummed out from a “grinding accident.”
Related, suicide rates tripled after viewing the movies. Several students were quoted, "I have lost my will to live."
"(Subheader:) The Adam Lambert effect"
Sorry, I couldn't have read that correctly. The what?
"The Adam Lambert effect"
Oooookay. So now it's all Adam Lambert's fault?? Excuse me, how? I understand that how he pantomimed oral sex on television might offend someone, but... It's not exactly like he invented dirty dancing. (Wasn't that a movie from our parent's generation? From way before Adam Lambert's balls had dropped?)
I'll tell you where the real bad influences come from: respectable, venerable institutions.
I didn't even know who Adam Lambert was until two weeks ago when I kept reading about him in Glee fanfiction. I learned about teenage sexuality many years before that, at, may I repeat, a respectable and venerable institution. When I was in middle school we couldn't even hold hands in the hallway, so my first time to see grinding was at a sort of freshman retreat at a private (mega-)Christian high school in Texas. Then, I learned to freak dance when I was fourteen years old at a WRITER'S CAMP. The directors of the camp showed us a director's cut of an R-rated movie with a GRAPHIC SEX SCENE. Granted, the directors were fired after a small-town girl wrote home about it, but yeah. We writer types were not cool kids by any stretch of the imagination (with the exception of Ty, who was A GOD AMONG MEN, and even the BOYS were all bromance over him) and we still figured things out.
... To be fair, I think my experience was a bit out of the ordinary. But I am still convinced that this article was flipping crazy.
- - -
"When Teens Grind, Parents Freak"
... Starting from as early as the pun in the title, this is PERHAPS one of the worst articles of the decade so far. I've never felt the urge to cross-post an online article in my life, but this was just so ridiculous. Summary: parents across America are freaking out because children have sexual urges. WHILE IN PUBLIC.
The reporter/author/social defunct who is responsible for this article, Jacqueline Stenson, needs a serious brain transplant. The squishy mass inside of her skull is clearly not cutting it. It seems like she is out of touch with her sexual organs, her eyes, her memory of those hours of painful health classes and those little pamphlets explaining how boys are different from girls. All I'm suggesting is that maybe, once Stenson has the mental capacity to understand what grinding actually is, she will not be so horrified by it. Nor would she attempt to make us side with a woman who has similar mental problems, and is clearly not aware how babies are made:
"When Susan Schmaeling’s 16-year-old son complained to her that the priests chaperoning his Catholic high school's dance didn't allow him and other students to grind" so "she fought her impulse to scream. Instead, she tried to stay calm yet be very direct in her response.
“I told him that grinding is not an appropriate manner of dance,” says Schmaeling, a Houston mother of two," (Casey: I am ashamed but not surprised) "adding: “I’m old enough to be a grandmother but you’re not old enough to be a father.”
Ladies and gentleman, Susan Schmaeling's progression of thought:
my son wants to grind --> therefore --> my son is going to and/or wants to MAKE BABIES --> and babies SCARE ME--> scream.
Let's not even touch the weirdness of the fact that her sixteen year old son is telling her he wants to grind with girls. He's just asking for trouble. Or something. I really don't think I want to know.
But yeah, it's a pretty great way to start off the article. Of course, there's more, just like in any bad infomercial. Check out the case of the following:
"Some Minnetonka students resent being told they can't dance as they please, he says, but they’re in the minority and the kinds of students who also don't like not being able to swear at basketball games."
Have the meanings of "minority" and "majority" been switched without my knowledge? Or is Stenson enough of an idiot to believe her informants when they say that most teenagers aren't at least mildly rebellious? Even the kids in honor society weren't that full of douchery.
"The "Dance like Grandma's Watching" campaign uses tongue-in-cheek videos to get the point across. One video shows a student who doesn’t get into Harvard because of a prior citation for grinding, another video depicts a student who is bandaged up and bummed out from a “grinding accident.”
Related, suicide rates tripled after viewing the movies. Several students were quoted, "I have lost my will to live."
"(Subheader:) The Adam Lambert effect"
Sorry, I couldn't have read that correctly. The what?
"The Adam Lambert effect"
Oooookay. So now it's all Adam Lambert's fault?? Excuse me, how? I understand that how he pantomimed oral sex on television might offend someone, but... It's not exactly like he invented dirty dancing. (Wasn't that a movie from our parent's generation? From way before Adam Lambert's balls had dropped?)
I'll tell you where the real bad influences come from: respectable, venerable institutions.
I didn't even know who Adam Lambert was until two weeks ago when I kept reading about him in Glee fanfiction. I learned about teenage sexuality many years before that, at, may I repeat, a respectable and venerable institution. When I was in middle school we couldn't even hold hands in the hallway, so my first time to see grinding was at a sort of freshman retreat at a private (mega-)Christian high school in Texas. Then, I learned to freak dance when I was fourteen years old at a WRITER'S CAMP. The directors of the camp showed us a director's cut of an R-rated movie with a GRAPHIC SEX SCENE. Granted, the directors were fired after a small-town girl wrote home about it, but yeah. We writer types were not cool kids by any stretch of the imagination (with the exception of Ty, who was A GOD AMONG MEN, and even the BOYS were all bromance over him) and we still figured things out.
... To be fair, I think my experience was a bit out of the ordinary. But I am still convinced that this article was flipping crazy.