Why I'm Not an English Major
"And as I sat there, brooding on the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it."
-- Scott Fitzgerald, "The Great Gatsby"
And then, Gatsby took Daisy in his arms.
And then, the light was hidden by mist.
This is an unequally frightening thing.
I might be hormonal, and it might be the seasons changing, but recently I've been hyper-aware of how I'm eating, and how much -- and the compulsion to go running in the middle of the night. I've been aware of how close he is to me, and I've been tearing out my hair as I am frightened by the projected split-personality that I have inflicted on him, without him even knowing. I repeat words; I fumble over sounds that I know. See, I know something; for this to go anywhere good, it's going to take work. It's going to take a LOT of work. Just like when we sit together on a park bench, and if we want to lean on each other, we have to shift and fumble and make the proportions right.
But it's not like it'll be that way forever. We stood up and hugged goodbye, and realized, Ahh, this way is better --- let's remember, let me put my arms over yours, that'll make the height difference better --
I don't know. I just feel so confused right now about everything. He asked me if I was happy today, and I answered, yes! of course! And when I am with him, I'm always smiling and laughing. But just once or twice, a melancholy sets in. And each time I pass by 2MD on my bike, I just can't help but remember, that green light isn't going to be flashing in the window anymore. If there are any mists in the way, it's only time: everything else is more clear than it ever was before.
I think there's one thing that's most surprising in all of this; what we're learning about each other; and he's seen my past in photos and he has seen how ugly I was, how ugly I was, and he's heard from my mouth what I'm like, and what I like, and he never got up and left... In fact, he did his best to do the opposite.