i won't walk out until you know
i keep replaying yellowcards "only one" over and over again like i actually have someone to sing that to or someone to sing it to me. all i do is try to please people. thats all i've been doing lately. that's it. telling people what they want to hear, putting them up, telling them how awesome they are and everything is, it's actually really easy and with just a tad of practice it comes without having to think about it. it makes other people happy and when they have no idea what you really think about anything no matter what it is, it kinda protects you. like because they dont really know you they cant judge you or even if they do their judging your acting skills not you. but then whos there to make you happy? whos there to tell you your beautiful when your crying and your makeup is all smudged? who'll be there when your broken and need someone to put you back together? for me right now i have nobody. i can't trust anyone and frankly i dont want to. all people will do is let you down. it may not be in the next 5 years or it could be in 5 minutes. you never truly know anyone. they all have the power to hurt you so why take that chance? i used to love being able to make people happy but when you never get it in return why continue to do it? everyone around me is really happy and excited about life but i really can't find anything to be happy about. i was happy about my grades for like a day. but then you realize that something like that will never make you truely happy. i thought i had a guy but he was a total dissappiont and waste of time. again i ended up giving him everything i had to give spending so much time on nothing in the end. not that i don't have time to waste which is the saddest part. i have like my whole life to waste at the moment. but tomorrow is yet another day so time to sleep and prepare to put on another face of happiness and togetherness even though inside i feel like i'm slowly being torn apart by something that i cant control. they say you can create your happiness...maybe i'm just meant to create it for other people and accept it. which i actually kinda am at the moment. for me i do get happiness like they have. just in small very spread out doses. sometimes i feel like im just not meant to be one of those people. all i ever wanted was to be happy. happy with my life and myself-which is a whole nother story im so not getting into tonight-but i'm never happy for long. why? but then again how can someone be happy with nothing? answer...they cant. i'm NOT suicidal or anything don't get me wrong. i'm so past even thinking about that cowards way out. i just want what seems so easy to get for everyone but me. watch tomorrow i'll put another entry in and be the happiest dork alive. but thats the way my life is right now so unperdictable. but i really don't want it any other way