Awww man what would really be cool is if it was an orange julius alert
Well it took them long enough but apparently the township of Mahwah has been declared as a strategic military site. Obviously this would be because of the number of horse farms in the area, God knows we can’t lose the horsies it would create a horse gap. But hey I kid, why because I care… right? In all actuality I’m not quite sure why all the hubbub is being created up at Ramapo, perhaps it’s simply not that college alone, but as of last night at around 5 pm we were told that colleges in New Jersey were under red alert. For those of you who don’t quite grasp the color coding thing, it’s kind of like what a midnight blue light sale at K-mart would be to Red Necks with names like Travis, and Cletus and Badger Face, only instead of red necks we have bombs, you decide which is worse, I’m still on the fence with that one. So of course pandemonium broke out in the school, which in situations like this seem a bit bizarre for me, I mean if a nuke were to hit our area, we’re not exactly going to have a lot of time to sit back and think, “Well shit, this sucks!” So I’ve always felt that we should live our lives as we would because there’s not really too much we could do about it, and worrying over it just causes needless fear. I do however feel protected with the knowledge that that proud often under recognized splinter group of crime fighters that protect my college round the clock, I speak of course of the highly top secret PUBLIC SAFETY! My heart swells with pride when Brad marches over to his designated post, badge shining brightly, his well muscled physique glistening in the sun, this man controls safety, he could pull down a B-52 with his bare hands. Of course all this is a lie, in truth Brad really can’t march, he has a kind of swagger which is really just a nice way of saying he waddles, and well they really don’t issues badges, just those patches that you can iron onto shirts, his of which is ironed on upside down, however that muscled physique part is true, if we were to measure muscle in terms of packets of grease, really in deep sun Brad wouldn’t glisten he’d resemble a piece of KFC chicken, and have a similar odor. And in complete honesty the only B-52 he could wrestle to the ground would most likely be Fred Schneider. But still his mere presence stands as a warning sign that boldly proclaims: “If you plan on blowing up any of our buildings do us the favor of signing in first.”
But man is he ready to do his job, even to the point of putting his life on the line by throwing his weight around, namely throwing it right in front of a 2 ton Buick Regal of death. Yes that’s right fearful of a terrorist attempt being committed Brad tore himself away from his jelly donut, and literally threw himself in front of a 2 ton car moving at 20 miles an hour. Damn him, my nefarious plan of finding a suitable parking spot had been thwarted, and my car stalled from slamming on the brake so hard. He approached my window nostrils flaring a face which spoke “Damn I’m winded from moving 5 feet in under a minute.” He made the universal sign of “Roll... whew… hold on… a second… while I catch my… breath… window.” He then demanded to see my ID, waved me through and promptly sat on the ground to take a nap or something.
So for those of you living in fear, remember there’s a highly trained staff that’s making $5.25 an hour, nearby. And if that doesn’t relax you, may I offer one last piece of advice, when you run out to buy your plastic bags and duct tape, here’s an even better method to seal out anthrax and other poisons.
1.Place bag over head; be sure there are no holes that might allow dangerous particles to enter.
2.Use duct tape to create an air tight seal to assure no oxygen will enter.
3.Wait for it.
A warning: Do not follow above steps, may lead to asphyxiation
But man is he ready to do his job, even to the point of putting his life on the line by throwing his weight around, namely throwing it right in front of a 2 ton Buick Regal of death. Yes that’s right fearful of a terrorist attempt being committed Brad tore himself away from his jelly donut, and literally threw himself in front of a 2 ton car moving at 20 miles an hour. Damn him, my nefarious plan of finding a suitable parking spot had been thwarted, and my car stalled from slamming on the brake so hard. He approached my window nostrils flaring a face which spoke “Damn I’m winded from moving 5 feet in under a minute.” He made the universal sign of “Roll... whew… hold on… a second… while I catch my… breath… window.” He then demanded to see my ID, waved me through and promptly sat on the ground to take a nap or something.
So for those of you living in fear, remember there’s a highly trained staff that’s making $5.25 an hour, nearby. And if that doesn’t relax you, may I offer one last piece of advice, when you run out to buy your plastic bags and duct tape, here’s an even better method to seal out anthrax and other poisons.
1.Place bag over head; be sure there are no holes that might allow dangerous particles to enter.
2.Use duct tape to create an air tight seal to assure no oxygen will enter.
3.Wait for it.
A warning: Do not follow above steps, may lead to asphyxiation