(Untitled)

[lance_bass]

Long time coming and all that, yes.

JC and I need to talk. I don't think I've been intentionally running away. He's spending a hell of a lot of time in the studio, and doing press for BMU, and well, I just kind of went on about life. He hasn't exactly reached out, either, though. Hasn't called for any, like, dating or anything. Which I guess I'm

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[jc_chasez]

*finds it difficult to swallow his bite of food*

Oh.

You're. . seeing someone.

Like dating?

I thought -- well, I don't know what I thought.

[lance_bass]

Yeah. Not, like, dating dating. We haven't gone on, like, dates. Or anything.

But. Well, I mean. Okay. It's Beth. And I know that's weird, but it is. And she's.

She's.

She's there. And she ... likes me. And I know I'm way too old for this kind of high schoolish thing, but.

I didn't think we were... anything. I mean, you haven't called, either, and ...

Anyway. I thought you should know about it.

[jc_chasez]

I tried to call you. I kept finding out you were in Jamaica or Thailand. And I didn't wanna call too much. You wanted space.

Okay.

*pause*

So. Beth.

Well, she does like you. More than like.

*another pause*

Do you wanna be with her? Instead?

[lance_bass]

Instead.

That's a pretty big little word.

I'm not sure, honestly. I mean, I adore Beth. I have for years, you know that.

But lately, I don't know. I...

I love you, JC. I do. And I'm working on the whole forgiveness thing. But that... note. It cut me, deeply.

I never wanted anyone "instead" of you. I wanted Britney with you. I wanted Chris with you. I wanted you. Just you. And you left me a note.

I've got voicemail, JC. You didn't leave messages? Not even to say hello? Every time I saw your name on my missed call list, I'd look for the message, and it was never there. You say you tried, but you never said anything. How your lack of communication at all superior to mine?

There just doesn't seem to be any improvement.

It's not instead, JC. Not really.

[jc_chasez]

I'm not saying I did better than you. It's not about that. It's been hard. For both of us. I don't know what to say on messages. Hi sounds lame. Everything I want to say, I don't know if you want to hear.

I know I hurt you. And I wish I could take it back but I can't. All I can do is apologize.

*sighs*

I know you don't want to . . or you can't forgive me. Maybe I don't deserve to be forgiven. But I always. I heard once that forgiveness isn't done because someone deserves it. It's done because someone needs it. I need you to forgive me. Maybe we can't be together, but . . I need you to.

And if Beth makes you happy, if Beth's what you need right now, then okay. I want you to be with her.

[lance_bass]

::cold chills::

Neither of us have been perfect in this relationship, JC. But we said we were going to give a real go when we got married. I promised you then that I wouldn't leave you, and I didn't. You walked away. And when you told me you were done walking, that I should come home, you left. I can't just forget that. I can try to forgive it, but I can't forget it.

I promised I wouldn't leave you. I never promised that if you left me, I'd take you back.I don't know if she makes me happy. I know she's a comfort, a good friend. I don't feel like I have many of those anymore. Chris and I hardly ever see each other anymore - even in Taiwan, he was golfing, I was at movies. Joe's been spending most of his time with Briahna - I'm surprised he made it out here this weekend, but I'm glad he did. Justin's promoting, and when he's not, he's with Wade. And you're giving me space and I'm giving you space and there's so much damned space between us now I don't know if we can ever get close again. And who's my constant now? Again? Beth

[jc_chasez]

I think both of us can agree our life as a married couple has not gone the way we both wanted it to. I know it's not an excuse.

And I know I messed up. I don't deny that. And I know you can't forget it. I don't know. I guess I was just hoping you could find a way to leave it in the past and just move on from there. With me. I guess we can't.

I still want to be with you. I miss you, so much. I hate feeling like I can't pick up the phone and call you. I hate sleeping in the guest room by myself. I hate feeling like I can't tell you how much I love you because you'll just point out that I left you. And I hate knowing it's my fault.

Maybe Beth's better for you than I ever was. Maybe she can give you what you need, whatever it is you're looking for.

[lance_bass]

I love you, JC. It's just too much to get past... right now.

::Looks at watch::

We need to get going. It's going to be a bitch to park.

[jc_chasez]

I guess sometimes love isn't enough.

All right. Let's go.

*dumps money on the table for the bill*