the random updates that will happen until i'm 78 years old.
sometimes it makes me angry...when i read back on writings over the past...what.....4 and a half years now...
i feel that my ability to regurgitate my experiences and feelings was far more successful than now. It's almost as if the literal words and experiences are written in some diary form....."this is what happened today..."
maybe it was owning the heart of a desperately in love 19 year old...vs. an experienced, comfortable, and far less desperate 24 year old. I was kind of upset to find that i had deleted so many entries of when i had first started live journal....entries of when i was with that poor excuse for a human being, andrew.....and the beginning of my relationship with justin...which is still all documented through emails. Emails.....used before myspace existed.
I find myspace being the deterioration of my senses.... seriously. It is not a healthy thing to be a part of...and i keep telling myself to just erase it already, but i know that not enough people i would like to keep in connections with use their email.
Live journal...well it's so ancient and underused that It's pretty safe to unload without feeling that insecurity...
that whole judging crap....
Which leads to issues i've been facing...it all comes full circle..these issues of mine.
This insecurity thing...Well i don't really understand the whole feeling insecure about expressing yourself wholey, infront of people who you SHOULD feel completely comfortable to do so. I've been asking myself lately...especially being away in Italy....why....WHY do i surround myself with people who make me compete for their attention....or who make hanging out feel so forced. I've been struggling with an anger which has planted itself inside the pit of my stomach...this resentment towards people who Me, in my completely confident and cocky faulty Gemini side, feel i can completely see through and feel are complete and utter bullshit on a stick. How many times do i turn to roll my eyes while these girls speak what i think sounds like vomit...to eachother about things that lack any substance at all. I do it because i awakening ts easy maybe. Because I hate things to be easy.....and right...and rational.
IN all seriousness.....Being away...being in this foreign country, meeting beautiful people with interesting tales, and unique energies....Finding an independence that seemed to be in hiding for a couple of years, finding my confidence again (not exactly right now because i'm going through a shitty couple of days due apparantly to some mercury retrograde in gemini..../ time of the month......i don't know if i follow that stuff but my friend kristen says so...
I do miss Eddie and think about him often. It's been a very....experience being far away from him for so long.
Overall, I know these things.
I know i am glad he is not here. My trip wouldn't be what it is if he was......
I know that i love him
I am not sure if we'll be together forever.....
I am not sure because it was so rocky before i came here......not the week before, really...but the month or so prior...was a really difficult one. I am not sure how it will be between us when i return.
I know it has nothing to do with age....it has to do with who we are. what i want. what he want....out of life...
I think since we live together the relationship can only progress into something more....
I guess that's what will be figured out when i get back. I know what he wants..he wants me. He wants us to be together forever.
In some ways for me, yes....in others no.
I'm a one foot in one foot out kind of girl and that is a dangerous dangerous person to be.
I'm always holding onto the past....a little bit...of what was, what could have been, what ifs....like high fidelity...
a sickness!
I would write all about Itay....but it's so well written about in my perfect orange leather journal i bought here.
All i can say is yes, it is life changing. I have made the most of it thus far....i've hiked, swam, walked a million miles, taken the bus to nowhere, slept on the train, have had a billion bottles of wine, an amazing dance partner, the best food ever, breathtaking moments.....and a fucking roommate that is lovely but snores really loudly.
why are there some people you never get over.
It's not necessarily sexual either......you just want part of what was......
Her friendship.....His chemistry.
it's the desperations that's so addicting.
i feel that my ability to regurgitate my experiences and feelings was far more successful than now. It's almost as if the literal words and experiences are written in some diary form....."this is what happened today..."
maybe it was owning the heart of a desperately in love 19 year old...vs. an experienced, comfortable, and far less desperate 24 year old. I was kind of upset to find that i had deleted so many entries of when i had first started live journal....entries of when i was with that poor excuse for a human being, andrew.....and the beginning of my relationship with justin...which is still all documented through emails. Emails.....used before myspace existed.
I find myspace being the deterioration of my senses.... seriously. It is not a healthy thing to be a part of...and i keep telling myself to just erase it already, but i know that not enough people i would like to keep in connections with use their email.
Live journal...well it's so ancient and underused that It's pretty safe to unload without feeling that insecurity...
that whole judging crap....
Which leads to issues i've been facing...it all comes full circle..these issues of mine.
This insecurity thing...Well i don't really understand the whole feeling insecure about expressing yourself wholey, infront of people who you SHOULD feel completely comfortable to do so. I've been asking myself lately...especially being away in Italy....why....WHY do i surround myself with people who make me compete for their attention....or who make hanging out feel so forced. I've been struggling with an anger which has planted itself inside the pit of my stomach...this resentment towards people who Me, in my completely confident and cocky faulty Gemini side, feel i can completely see through and feel are complete and utter bullshit on a stick. How many times do i turn to roll my eyes while these girls speak what i think sounds like vomit...to eachother about things that lack any substance at all. I do it because i awakening ts easy maybe. Because I hate things to be easy.....and right...and rational.
IN all seriousness.....Being away...being in this foreign country, meeting beautiful people with interesting tales, and unique energies....Finding an independence that seemed to be in hiding for a couple of years, finding my confidence again (not exactly right now because i'm going through a shitty couple of days due apparantly to some mercury retrograde in gemini..../ time of the month......i don't know if i follow that stuff but my friend kristen says so...
I do miss Eddie and think about him often. It's been a very....experience being far away from him for so long.
Overall, I know these things.
I know i am glad he is not here. My trip wouldn't be what it is if he was......
I know that i love him
I am not sure if we'll be together forever.....
I am not sure because it was so rocky before i came here......not the week before, really...but the month or so prior...was a really difficult one. I am not sure how it will be between us when i return.
I know it has nothing to do with age....it has to do with who we are. what i want. what he want....out of life...
I think since we live together the relationship can only progress into something more....
I guess that's what will be figured out when i get back. I know what he wants..he wants me. He wants us to be together forever.
In some ways for me, yes....in others no.
I'm a one foot in one foot out kind of girl and that is a dangerous dangerous person to be.
I'm always holding onto the past....a little bit...of what was, what could have been, what ifs....like high fidelity...
a sickness!
I would write all about Itay....but it's so well written about in my perfect orange leather journal i bought here.
All i can say is yes, it is life changing. I have made the most of it thus far....i've hiked, swam, walked a million miles, taken the bus to nowhere, slept on the train, have had a billion bottles of wine, an amazing dance partner, the best food ever, breathtaking moments.....and a fucking roommate that is lovely but snores really loudly.
why are there some people you never get over.
It's not necessarily sexual either......you just want part of what was......
Her friendship.....His chemistry.
it's the desperations that's so addicting.