(no subject)
it occurs to me that i have strayed a bit from my intended path. well, ok, it hasn't just occurred to me, duh, i was fully aware when i veered off course to explore some other stuff. and... just as i expected, the 'other stuff' was boring.
i can't go back. i'm beyond the dumb shit. so... here i go, returning to sanity.
i haven't even thought about 'When Sundown Comes' in two months. i can't believe i let myself get so distracted. i had a good rhythm going there, but now i am so behind. and, of course, i have almost zero interest in the story. again.
i was asking Barb yesterday how she stays so committed to her work. she doesn't know; it's just something she does. i've asked some of the members of The PEN Group if they ever get tired or bored of their own creations, and the answer has been almost unanimously 'no'. other factors contribute to their lack of commitment, but definitely not boredom.
i cannot believe that no matter how hard i try, i fail time and again at staying the course. it sucks. how can i fix a defect like that? i should try behavior modification of some sort, but this just doesn't appeal to me at all. but i must do something to temper the 'all or nothing' side to my personality. how can i have such an ingrained opposition to compromise? where did it come from?
too many questions, too few answers.
i need a meeting. and a therapist. and there are about a billion organizations that i should join. Toastmasters and TWG and SARA. but shouldn't i wait until i've moved? i mean, why join now, after the fact. when it's too late to change the time.
and you know what?! i'm tired of charting down goals, i'm tired of working plans, i'm tired of routine. i'm bored. even the idea of moving to Atlanta does not excite me right now. trips to Vegas and other cities and spending time with friends and blah blah blah... i just can't seem to care about any of it. there is something missing, here, and i do not know what it is.
i'm not bored. i am discontent. and i'm a hypocrite.
i always knew that i'd have to pay my dues. i knew that i'd have to do some things that i wouldn't like, for as long as it took. i'm always hollering about kids who want everything for no sacrifice, and here i am looking for instant gratification. again.
i want to step through the looking glass. find Oz. which, you know, is not entirely out of the question. i just have to figure out how much i'm willing to sacrifice to discover the road less traveled.
James got mad at me last night. and i think Kevin is none too pleased either. Balde continues to ignore me. i've been thinking about Michael almost non-stop for the last few months. i'm dying to call him to find out what's up, but i refuse to open that door again. i'm in a weird place, i find. there must be a reason things are going wrong in the testosterone department. i'm not a chick to force things, and so i will let it ride. if the dicks come to heel, they are meant to remain friends. if not... well. i'll deal with that when the time comes.
and this is day 2 of 20 in purgatory. only the will of Allah got my ass out of bed this morning. and i left my music at home!
i can't go back. i'm beyond the dumb shit. so... here i go, returning to sanity.
i haven't even thought about 'When Sundown Comes' in two months. i can't believe i let myself get so distracted. i had a good rhythm going there, but now i am so behind. and, of course, i have almost zero interest in the story. again.
i was asking Barb yesterday how she stays so committed to her work. she doesn't know; it's just something she does. i've asked some of the members of The PEN Group if they ever get tired or bored of their own creations, and the answer has been almost unanimously 'no'. other factors contribute to their lack of commitment, but definitely not boredom.
i cannot believe that no matter how hard i try, i fail time and again at staying the course. it sucks. how can i fix a defect like that? i should try behavior modification of some sort, but this just doesn't appeal to me at all. but i must do something to temper the 'all or nothing' side to my personality. how can i have such an ingrained opposition to compromise? where did it come from?
too many questions, too few answers.
i need a meeting. and a therapist. and there are about a billion organizations that i should join. Toastmasters and TWG and SARA. but shouldn't i wait until i've moved? i mean, why join now, after the fact. when it's too late to change the time.
and you know what?! i'm tired of charting down goals, i'm tired of working plans, i'm tired of routine. i'm bored. even the idea of moving to Atlanta does not excite me right now. trips to Vegas and other cities and spending time with friends and blah blah blah... i just can't seem to care about any of it. there is something missing, here, and i do not know what it is.
i'm not bored. i am discontent. and i'm a hypocrite.
i always knew that i'd have to pay my dues. i knew that i'd have to do some things that i wouldn't like, for as long as it took. i'm always hollering about kids who want everything for no sacrifice, and here i am looking for instant gratification. again.
i want to step through the looking glass. find Oz. which, you know, is not entirely out of the question. i just have to figure out how much i'm willing to sacrifice to discover the road less traveled.
James got mad at me last night. and i think Kevin is none too pleased either. Balde continues to ignore me. i've been thinking about Michael almost non-stop for the last few months. i'm dying to call him to find out what's up, but i refuse to open that door again. i'm in a weird place, i find. there must be a reason things are going wrong in the testosterone department. i'm not a chick to force things, and so i will let it ride. if the dicks come to heel, they are meant to remain friends. if not... well. i'll deal with that when the time comes.
and this is day 2 of 20 in purgatory. only the will of Allah got my ass out of bed this morning. and i left my music at home!