◄ Unanswered
¶ Unanswered
Shut Up Flower Boy Band; Pairing: Hajin/Kyungjong (Hajong)
Genre: Mild angst
Rating: pg
Warning: Spoilers on the whole drama, kind of, so you might not want to read it before you're done watching everything.
Word count: 1856
Summary: Sometimes, questions might just be left unanswered.
Sometimes, questions might just be left unanswered.
It's not that you want them to be: it's just that time goes by, and you might not be aware of it, but the question that was once on the tip of your tongue, has faded away before you could even open your mouth to utter it.
It's probably why, so many years later, when they all barely see each other anymore, Hajin finds himself wondering.
Hajin isn't someone who takes caution of everyone around; he loves playing with girls, always had always will, he likes to play the bass when he has time to spare, likes it even more when it's being a bassist in his friends' band -for it at least makes him look much more cooler-, and also enjoys punching annoying people -boys, always boys, he's too much of a gentleman to ever lay a hand on a woman- in the guts when they bother or despise him. He mostly thinks about himself first, is pretty selfish, confident and usually speaks up before even thinking, which often leads to difficult situations and harsh words that should have never been uttered in the first place.
(Now, years later, he thinks about what should have been done, and what should have not, how he should have acted and what he should have listened to. But everything always seems easier after much time: when you've distanced yourself from the situation you were in, when you know what happened after and you're not a growing teenager with doubts, pride, problems and feelings anymore.)
The fact that he rarely spare a second to think about what he has done -good or wrong-, applies to everyone, and also, also his closest friend, Kyungjong.
So it's probably because Hajin isn't so aware of people around him that he might have missed some hints at one point. He wonders, somehow, how many of them he has surely missed, or how many had seemed insignificant at that time and now feels much more relevant. Even though Kyungjong had always been -since the first day they met until the day they all parted and even after- his closest friend, the one he had always needed by his side, he doesn't seem to remember a moment where he really, really paid attention to how he had felt. To say the truth and to be completely honest with himself now, Hajin thinks that he might have taken Kyungjong for granted more than he should have and that's a thing he painfully regrets.
There are times, -it happens more often that he would like it to-, where he wonders just how many of them he has missed. He tries to remember, to recount how many hurt looks, sarcastic jokes and forced smiles he has ignored, too blinded by his own problems and person. He wonders how many times Kyungjong has concealed a frown behind a playful “what do you think you're doing, you punk”, hidden his annoyance behind a quiet and small punch on his shoulder, or how many times he has buried his broken and scarred heart under a soft chuckle. He tries to remind himself of all the times his best friend has probably tried to reach for his hand, for him to soothe his heart and his pain from being apart from his family, from being here all alone in Seoul with only a bunch of friends, a keyboard and his accent from Busan. He can't tell, because he thinks there might be too many times, too many things that happened and that he didn't think would be useful to remember. He also tries to recount all the times Kyungjong has been here for him, and how many times he must have hurt him in return for he was angry or annoyed, and took it on the only person who was always by his side. He remembers telling him loads of terrible words that he never meant but doesn't remember ever apologizing after. He thinks he can remember, if he tries hard enough, the shorter male's upset features when he had told him things he should have never told but can't recall him -or so few- ever uttering his thoughts or his feelings on how Hajin might have hurt him. From what he can remember, it only happened once -or maybe more, but it wasn't enough, wasn't strong enough for it to matter- and it was probably one of the only times the taller slender man had felt guilty about being rash on his friend.
So yes, there is probably a lot, which he has missed about Kyungjong.
However Hajin isn't as oblivious as everyone thinks he is, and back then, he also had noticed some hints, but had never said a word about it. He had noticed the way Kyungjong's eyes always lingered on his face and how he could still feel them on his back when he was walking away. He had noticed the annoyed and weary expression on his friend's face every time he was with a girl, which happened maybe too often. He remembers a few words along the lines of “it can't be her, I don't like her” when he was a bit more serious about it, and remembers upset scoldings about how he shouldn't treat girls -people- like this, because they liked him and they were being truthful and he was just breaking their hearts by being a jerk. He had noticed the close proximity between both of them, the soft pats on their backs, the sweet cuddles wherever and whenever or the playful punches and slaps thrown here and there. It had never bothered him -not at all-, but in a way, he had always known that being that close to your friend, your male friend, all the time, wasn't something so common. He had also noticed how in the whole time he had known him, he had never seen Kyungjong date anyone, had never seen him flirt with a girl either, and already back then there were times where he couldn't but ask himself why. Finally he had noticed how patient Kyungjong had always been with him, how much he could do before the shorter male finally lost it, and how easier it was for the latter to get angry over a different matter, about another person than him. Hajin wonders -because this is the only thing he can do- if it was because Kyungjong could only bear that much and every other things adding to his anger actually made him explode. Or maybe if it was just because, because it was him and only him; for he could get scary in front of Jihyuk and not in front of the bassist.
Hajin actually wonders, for questions have often gathered in his mind even back in time when they were still always stuck together and best friends. What people don't know is that the tall man had often planned to ask questions to Kyungjong; as to why, why he was like this with him, and if it really was what he thought it was.
(Maybe just something more than friendship, something more but...)
But Hajin couldn't ask about something he, himself hadn't even put a name on.
There's a lot of questions Hajin has just never asked, so many times where the questions had been on the tip of his tongue, threatening to fall from his open lips but never doing so, getting stuck in his throat and never making it out instead. Questions when he had felt Kyungjong unbearably tightening his hold on him, silently looking for comfort after Byunghee's death, questions like the ones he had felt the need -and yet not- to ask when Kyungjong had avoided and had been pissed at him when they'd been at Hyunsoo's house before he had stuffed his mouth with Korean barbecue. Or questions like when Hajin had forgotten his birthday, and his best friend had gone to bed early after storming out of the coffee shop and leaving him alone with Yerim, when they had found him in his own -Hajin's- bed, and when he had witnessed how upset he had looked when Hajin had tried to apologize. Questions like the ones which had always lingered on his mind whenever they had been sleeping next to each other on a random mattress thrown onto the floor of their small and humble practice's room, whenever Kyungjong's closeness had been a bit too much for comfort, whenever he had seen this indescribable look on his face, or whenever the Busan one had brushed most of their arguments with a bunch of affectionate insults and a simple “you owe me fried chicken, man”. Questions like the ones he had been yearning to utter seeing Kyunjong's back before he had gotten on the train back to Busan when they had all decided to quit Eye Candy for a while, and questions when they had been on the phone and Hajin had been missing him, missing his presence maybe a bit more than necessary. Words that had been raging in the pit of his stomach for so long, words he himself didn’t know the meaning of and that he couldn't have managed to whisper when his best friend had been finally back and he had hugged him because it had felt like it had been so much time since they'd last seen each other. The same questions that would have maybe sorted out his feelings, or maybe screwed them up. So those questions that had just always been here, those questions that had never been voiced out in the open air for Kyungjong to hear, had always been swallowed in the darkest corner of Hajin's mind instead, too deep for anyone to reach.
It's a lot of questions Hajin has just never mouthed, for he was not ready to get the answers yet or maybe not even willing to, not knowing himself what he would have liked to hear. A lot of questions he had just postponed to when he would finally be ready and the right occasion would come up to him.
Somewhere along the lines, Hajin might have just missed the timing he had been waiting for.
(Hajin wonders about all the possibilities of what could have been, about what if he had not missed anything, what if he had been more careful and attentive, what if he had not been too coward to ask all these questions that he had been dreading yet yearning to say. Because now, Kyungjong is back to Busan to run his own business, and it's been months since he has last talked to him. Their paths all have somehow drifted apart slowly, and if Eye Candy remains as an unforgettable and untainted memory to all of them, Eye Candy is also something that might just be left as nothing more than only a memory.)
So it's probably why, so many years later, when they all barely see each other anymore, Hajin is only left with “what if”s and a bunch of unanswered questions.
(and maybe, just maybe, a tinge of regret.)
- - -
AN: Thank you to Kazueh for being my beta, and the best sister ever. ♥
Might or might not be related to the other one shot I'm planning to write about Hajong (for a long time now) and this one is basically words vomit
Shut Up Flower Boy Band; Pairing: Hajin/Kyungjong (Hajong)
Genre: Mild angst
Rating: pg
Warning: Spoilers on the whole drama, kind of, so you might not want to read it before you're done watching everything.
Word count: 1856
Summary: Sometimes, questions might just be left unanswered.
Sometimes, questions might just be left unanswered.
It's not that you want them to be: it's just that time goes by, and you might not be aware of it, but the question that was once on the tip of your tongue, has faded away before you could even open your mouth to utter it.
It's probably why, so many years later, when they all barely see each other anymore, Hajin finds himself wondering.
Hajin isn't someone who takes caution of everyone around; he loves playing with girls, always had always will, he likes to play the bass when he has time to spare, likes it even more when it's being a bassist in his friends' band -for it at least makes him look much more cooler-, and also enjoys punching annoying people -boys, always boys, he's too much of a gentleman to ever lay a hand on a woman- in the guts when they bother or despise him. He mostly thinks about himself first, is pretty selfish, confident and usually speaks up before even thinking, which often leads to difficult situations and harsh words that should have never been uttered in the first place.
(Now, years later, he thinks about what should have been done, and what should have not, how he should have acted and what he should have listened to. But everything always seems easier after much time: when you've distanced yourself from the situation you were in, when you know what happened after and you're not a growing teenager with doubts, pride, problems and feelings anymore.)
The fact that he rarely spare a second to think about what he has done -good or wrong-, applies to everyone, and also, also his closest friend, Kyungjong.
So it's probably because Hajin isn't so aware of people around him that he might have missed some hints at one point. He wonders, somehow, how many of them he has surely missed, or how many had seemed insignificant at that time and now feels much more relevant. Even though Kyungjong had always been -since the first day they met until the day they all parted and even after- his closest friend, the one he had always needed by his side, he doesn't seem to remember a moment where he really, really paid attention to how he had felt. To say the truth and to be completely honest with himself now, Hajin thinks that he might have taken Kyungjong for granted more than he should have and that's a thing he painfully regrets.
There are times, -it happens more often that he would like it to-, where he wonders just how many of them he has missed. He tries to remember, to recount how many hurt looks, sarcastic jokes and forced smiles he has ignored, too blinded by his own problems and person. He wonders how many times Kyungjong has concealed a frown behind a playful “what do you think you're doing, you punk”, hidden his annoyance behind a quiet and small punch on his shoulder, or how many times he has buried his broken and scarred heart under a soft chuckle. He tries to remind himself of all the times his best friend has probably tried to reach for his hand, for him to soothe his heart and his pain from being apart from his family, from being here all alone in Seoul with only a bunch of friends, a keyboard and his accent from Busan. He can't tell, because he thinks there might be too many times, too many things that happened and that he didn't think would be useful to remember. He also tries to recount all the times Kyungjong has been here for him, and how many times he must have hurt him in return for he was angry or annoyed, and took it on the only person who was always by his side. He remembers telling him loads of terrible words that he never meant but doesn't remember ever apologizing after. He thinks he can remember, if he tries hard enough, the shorter male's upset features when he had told him things he should have never told but can't recall him -or so few- ever uttering his thoughts or his feelings on how Hajin might have hurt him. From what he can remember, it only happened once -or maybe more, but it wasn't enough, wasn't strong enough for it to matter- and it was probably one of the only times the taller slender man had felt guilty about being rash on his friend.
So yes, there is probably a lot, which he has missed about Kyungjong.
However Hajin isn't as oblivious as everyone thinks he is, and back then, he also had noticed some hints, but had never said a word about it. He had noticed the way Kyungjong's eyes always lingered on his face and how he could still feel them on his back when he was walking away. He had noticed the annoyed and weary expression on his friend's face every time he was with a girl, which happened maybe too often. He remembers a few words along the lines of “it can't be her, I don't like her” when he was a bit more serious about it, and remembers upset scoldings about how he shouldn't treat girls -people- like this, because they liked him and they were being truthful and he was just breaking their hearts by being a jerk. He had noticed the close proximity between both of them, the soft pats on their backs, the sweet cuddles wherever and whenever or the playful punches and slaps thrown here and there. It had never bothered him -not at all-, but in a way, he had always known that being that close to your friend, your male friend, all the time, wasn't something so common. He had also noticed how in the whole time he had known him, he had never seen Kyungjong date anyone, had never seen him flirt with a girl either, and already back then there were times where he couldn't but ask himself why. Finally he had noticed how patient Kyungjong had always been with him, how much he could do before the shorter male finally lost it, and how easier it was for the latter to get angry over a different matter, about another person than him. Hajin wonders -because this is the only thing he can do- if it was because Kyungjong could only bear that much and every other things adding to his anger actually made him explode. Or maybe if it was just because, because it was him and only him; for he could get scary in front of Jihyuk and not in front of the bassist.
Hajin actually wonders, for questions have often gathered in his mind even back in time when they were still always stuck together and best friends. What people don't know is that the tall man had often planned to ask questions to Kyungjong; as to why, why he was like this with him, and if it really was what he thought it was.
(Maybe just something more than friendship, something more but...)
But Hajin couldn't ask about something he, himself hadn't even put a name on.
There's a lot of questions Hajin has just never asked, so many times where the questions had been on the tip of his tongue, threatening to fall from his open lips but never doing so, getting stuck in his throat and never making it out instead. Questions when he had felt Kyungjong unbearably tightening his hold on him, silently looking for comfort after Byunghee's death, questions like the ones he had felt the need -and yet not- to ask when Kyungjong had avoided and had been pissed at him when they'd been at Hyunsoo's house before he had stuffed his mouth with Korean barbecue. Or questions like when Hajin had forgotten his birthday, and his best friend had gone to bed early after storming out of the coffee shop and leaving him alone with Yerim, when they had found him in his own -Hajin's- bed, and when he had witnessed how upset he had looked when Hajin had tried to apologize. Questions like the ones which had always lingered on his mind whenever they had been sleeping next to each other on a random mattress thrown onto the floor of their small and humble practice's room, whenever Kyungjong's closeness had been a bit too much for comfort, whenever he had seen this indescribable look on his face, or whenever the Busan one had brushed most of their arguments with a bunch of affectionate insults and a simple “you owe me fried chicken, man”. Questions like the ones he had been yearning to utter seeing Kyunjong's back before he had gotten on the train back to Busan when they had all decided to quit Eye Candy for a while, and questions when they had been on the phone and Hajin had been missing him, missing his presence maybe a bit more than necessary. Words that had been raging in the pit of his stomach for so long, words he himself didn’t know the meaning of and that he couldn't have managed to whisper when his best friend had been finally back and he had hugged him because it had felt like it had been so much time since they'd last seen each other. The same questions that would have maybe sorted out his feelings, or maybe screwed them up. So those questions that had just always been here, those questions that had never been voiced out in the open air for Kyungjong to hear, had always been swallowed in the darkest corner of Hajin's mind instead, too deep for anyone to reach.
It's a lot of questions Hajin has just never mouthed, for he was not ready to get the answers yet or maybe not even willing to, not knowing himself what he would have liked to hear. A lot of questions he had just postponed to when he would finally be ready and the right occasion would come up to him.
Somewhere along the lines, Hajin might have just missed the timing he had been waiting for.
(Hajin wonders about all the possibilities of what could have been, about what if he had not missed anything, what if he had been more careful and attentive, what if he had not been too coward to ask all these questions that he had been dreading yet yearning to say. Because now, Kyungjong is back to Busan to run his own business, and it's been months since he has last talked to him. Their paths all have somehow drifted apart slowly, and if Eye Candy remains as an unforgettable and untainted memory to all of them, Eye Candy is also something that might just be left as nothing more than only a memory.)
So it's probably why, so many years later, when they all barely see each other anymore, Hajin is only left with “what if”s and a bunch of unanswered questions.
(and maybe, just maybe, a tinge of regret.)
- - -
AN: Thank you to Kazueh for being my beta, and the best sister ever. ♥
Might or might not be related to the other one shot I'm planning to write about Hajong (for a long time now) and this one is basically words vomit