storms in africa
I really don't know why I don't write in here anymore. I write in xanga a lot I guess. Plus, I mostly work and sleep and now and then I might get lucky enough to break the cycle and shop or hang out with a few friends. I am quite solitary these days. I think it has been good for me in a lot of ways, because when one is alone (and okay with it) they tend to examine who they are, and what better time to change the parts found to be disagreeable than when you're alone? There is none. I suppose rather than humorous stories of my adventures or pictures of me and my best buds, you all must be subjected instead to my musings. (Or ramblings if you prefer.) However, I cannot take all of the credit for this one-li-ness, because the closer I look at it - the more I see God there. (Notice I said "credit" and not "blame.") I realize this time was essential to my re-shaping...but parts of it have been shocking. People's reactions and perceptions have been shocking. But I am not looking for the approval of people, not even the people of the church. They are just people. My relationship with God has not been what I would like it to be, but I have been working on ways to bring myself closer to Him. It is funny how other people judge those that they do not understand. To be frank, it really pisses me off. I am sure I have done it, but to the extent of telling someone they are not worthy because you cannot see inside their soul? Because they don't parade their heart of hearts in front of you? I have never felt any need to prove myself, and when I feel like I need to be false at all to achieve something, the very reward loses any and all value. It is worthless to me, because I in my true state have been found unworthy of it.
For you reading this, lacking the proper back-story, this probably totters on the edge of the fence that divides "sensical" and "non-sensical" but it makes perfect sense to me. Like I was telling my sister recently, I have never gracefully glided into the next season of my life, I have always been pushed or dragged or coerced out of it. It seems I dislike too much change, and prefer routine. This is one of the main reasons I have troubles with Jesus. It is easy for me to fall into repeat-mode. It is much too easy. I feel like I must constantly step back and locate all actions that have become more habitual or routine than spiritual and eradicate them from my being. This goes for sin too, if it is allowed to become part of the routine, then I am very nearly doomed to suffer it forever.
I think I am ready to have energy and motivation again, Jesus. This, more than solitude has been the issue. I am often ill, and often exhausted. It seems like I wake up exhausted. I have yet to find the root of this. I just don't feel good, and I have been known to leave work early due to my health troubles. (Today was such a day.)
I think that Scrubs is the best tv show ever. We own the first 3 seasons, and I think that I will go and watch some with my family. If you have not watched this show, then your cue to feel shame starts in...
3!
2!
1!
SHAME!!!!
For you reading this, lacking the proper back-story, this probably totters on the edge of the fence that divides "sensical" and "non-sensical" but it makes perfect sense to me. Like I was telling my sister recently, I have never gracefully glided into the next season of my life, I have always been pushed or dragged or coerced out of it. It seems I dislike too much change, and prefer routine. This is one of the main reasons I have troubles with Jesus. It is easy for me to fall into repeat-mode. It is much too easy. I feel like I must constantly step back and locate all actions that have become more habitual or routine than spiritual and eradicate them from my being. This goes for sin too, if it is allowed to become part of the routine, then I am very nearly doomed to suffer it forever.
I think I am ready to have energy and motivation again, Jesus. This, more than solitude has been the issue. I am often ill, and often exhausted. It seems like I wake up exhausted. I have yet to find the root of this. I just don't feel good, and I have been known to leave work early due to my health troubles. (Today was such a day.)
I think that Scrubs is the best tv show ever. We own the first 3 seasons, and I think that I will go and watch some with my family. If you have not watched this show, then your cue to feel shame starts in...
3!
2!
1!
SHAME!!!!