Can it get more confusing?
Invited Mark/Smitty over for a bbq lunch yesterday as I wanted to grill but grilling alone never seems quite right. I made a grilled corn and bell pepper, spinach, feta salad, potato cooked in the coals, grilled veg burger thing for me, guacamole, and I marinated a piece of steak for him. It was a nice, cool meal. He always appreciates my food, which is good.
He's had a bad month. His sister's mother and father-in-law both died within 2.5 weeks of each other, seperate causes, her husband's aunt also died within the same month, and a friend of the family died just the month before. His last few weeks have been all wakes and funerals. Somehow close death always triggers something in a man.
I remember years and years ago, my ex, Dave, whom I dated on and off from 23 to 26 or so and then dated from then on as a serious relationship until I was 32 or was it 33? Anyway, we'd had a very rocky relationship and we had just gone to friends for about a year. I'd go see him play occasionally (he's a great jazz musician and a rocking composer), and we'd be friendly, hang, give a hug, and I'd go off with my friends to drink or hang or go on a date. Well, his uncle, whom he was very close to, killed himself. Needless to say, this really flipped his world and his understanding of how his life was upside down. I went to see him at a gig one night, and after he played, I stayed to chat. He told me what had happened, and he hadn't told anyone else at all, just kept it all inside, seething away and undermining the foundation of his world. Only his family knew, but no one else had any idea. He had also decided that he really wanted to be with me more than anything else, and he had "realized" how much he missed me, how much he wanted and valued my companionship and company as well as a romantic relationship with me. I didn't really go for it for a few months. Eventually I said sure I'll fool around, but I don't believe you. I'll keep going out with other people and doing my thing. We obviously dated for a long time after I trusted him again, but that's the past.
So yesterday, at the table, over lunch, we were talking about who knows what, and I was giving him crap about wanting to take a picture of my cleavage the night before with his phone while I was sitting in the watch room with the guys talking. He said he wanted something to think about that night. He said well, I am still attracted to you, and I said yes, I know, but that book is closed, chapter over, case shut. He said, yes, I know, trust me, God only knows I know. Then, he starts talking in serious:
He said "Yesterday at the firehouse, when I was talking to you and you were there, I started really thinking about how much I appreciate you, and all the things about you I like, both physically (he loves the way I smell. I must have some wierd smell coming off me all the time because almost every guy I've dated loves to smell me. I used to have an ex when seeing me for the first time in forever, bury his face into my neck and just smell me because he just missed it. Don't ask me. I don't use the same products all the time. I just stink, I guess.) and sexually, and that we're a good fit in most ways, and how much I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I also don't think that I'm as completely sure about what I've said before about what I do and don't want."
I asked, "Okay...what are you talking about?"
He said "Well, I don't think I'm as sure about not wanting a relationship, marriage, or kids anymore. I think that I want those things, actually. My father was giving me crap about not having children and how the family name was going to die with him (only the daughters have kids, and his fraternal twin is too...well, poor guy won't be having kids soon, we need a Cool guy for the Dork guy)."
I diverted the conversation at that point (He's an intelligent man, but he's a tiny bit Adult ADD and I know how to get him off of a thought.) because I'm not comfortable with this conversation in its entirety right now. I still don't entirely trust him, not to mention, we don't go out or anything these days, so how can you go from nothing to all of a sudden, I might be able and willing to eventually offer what you hope for your future after all and that means marriage and children if we can work it out? No, no. Baby steps. If he wants to start dating me again, he'll have to try a bit harder, not just a quick conversation. He went past the point of that working. Now, he has to show me by actions that he really feels that way and really wants it, and I don't know that's what I want with him.
He invited me out to a matinee so we watched Clerks II and it's so WRONG and so funny. As with the first one, if you're easily offended, do NOT go watch it. But I enjoyed it immensely, and it was a good foil to the heavy conversation at lunch.
Afterwards, he dropped me at ze jeem, and he went off to work volunteer at the Hoboken Ambulance Corps. He does that a LOT, actually. He has all the certs and whatnot but keeps trying to get higher certs and everything. He really is dedicated to his career, I must say. I think what makes him the absolute happiest is helping other people, and I really mean that. It does give him a few annoying qualities, but they're easy to look past because of the reason they're there. Like walking down the street and seeing someone giving someone else a jump, and jumping right in to ask if they need help without hearing that the car already started. Can't give him too much crap, because although he's a busybody, he's a selfless busybody.
It's always this way; It never rains but it pours. I won't discuss the other thing that's happening, because at this point it's nothing, really, but it will never be perfect, just head-slap and a groan.
He's had a bad month. His sister's mother and father-in-law both died within 2.5 weeks of each other, seperate causes, her husband's aunt also died within the same month, and a friend of the family died just the month before. His last few weeks have been all wakes and funerals. Somehow close death always triggers something in a man.
I remember years and years ago, my ex, Dave, whom I dated on and off from 23 to 26 or so and then dated from then on as a serious relationship until I was 32 or was it 33? Anyway, we'd had a very rocky relationship and we had just gone to friends for about a year. I'd go see him play occasionally (he's a great jazz musician and a rocking composer), and we'd be friendly, hang, give a hug, and I'd go off with my friends to drink or hang or go on a date. Well, his uncle, whom he was very close to, killed himself. Needless to say, this really flipped his world and his understanding of how his life was upside down. I went to see him at a gig one night, and after he played, I stayed to chat. He told me what had happened, and he hadn't told anyone else at all, just kept it all inside, seething away and undermining the foundation of his world. Only his family knew, but no one else had any idea. He had also decided that he really wanted to be with me more than anything else, and he had "realized" how much he missed me, how much he wanted and valued my companionship and company as well as a romantic relationship with me. I didn't really go for it for a few months. Eventually I said sure I'll fool around, but I don't believe you. I'll keep going out with other people and doing my thing. We obviously dated for a long time after I trusted him again, but that's the past.
So yesterday, at the table, over lunch, we were talking about who knows what, and I was giving him crap about wanting to take a picture of my cleavage the night before with his phone while I was sitting in the watch room with the guys talking. He said he wanted something to think about that night. He said well, I am still attracted to you, and I said yes, I know, but that book is closed, chapter over, case shut. He said, yes, I know, trust me, God only knows I know. Then, he starts talking in serious:
He said "Yesterday at the firehouse, when I was talking to you and you were there, I started really thinking about how much I appreciate you, and all the things about you I like, both physically (he loves the way I smell. I must have some wierd smell coming off me all the time because almost every guy I've dated loves to smell me. I used to have an ex when seeing me for the first time in forever, bury his face into my neck and just smell me because he just missed it. Don't ask me. I don't use the same products all the time. I just stink, I guess.) and sexually, and that we're a good fit in most ways, and how much I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I also don't think that I'm as completely sure about what I've said before about what I do and don't want."
I asked, "Okay...what are you talking about?"
He said "Well, I don't think I'm as sure about not wanting a relationship, marriage, or kids anymore. I think that I want those things, actually. My father was giving me crap about not having children and how the family name was going to die with him (only the daughters have kids, and his fraternal twin is too...well, poor guy won't be having kids soon, we need a Cool guy for the Dork guy)."
I diverted the conversation at that point (He's an intelligent man, but he's a tiny bit Adult ADD and I know how to get him off of a thought.) because I'm not comfortable with this conversation in its entirety right now. I still don't entirely trust him, not to mention, we don't go out or anything these days, so how can you go from nothing to all of a sudden, I might be able and willing to eventually offer what you hope for your future after all and that means marriage and children if we can work it out? No, no. Baby steps. If he wants to start dating me again, he'll have to try a bit harder, not just a quick conversation. He went past the point of that working. Now, he has to show me by actions that he really feels that way and really wants it, and I don't know that's what I want with him.
He invited me out to a matinee so we watched Clerks II and it's so WRONG and so funny. As with the first one, if you're easily offended, do NOT go watch it. But I enjoyed it immensely, and it was a good foil to the heavy conversation at lunch.
Afterwards, he dropped me at ze jeem, and he went off to work volunteer at the Hoboken Ambulance Corps. He does that a LOT, actually. He has all the certs and whatnot but keeps trying to get higher certs and everything. He really is dedicated to his career, I must say. I think what makes him the absolute happiest is helping other people, and I really mean that. It does give him a few annoying qualities, but they're easy to look past because of the reason they're there. Like walking down the street and seeing someone giving someone else a jump, and jumping right in to ask if they need help without hearing that the car already started. Can't give him too much crap, because although he's a busybody, he's a selfless busybody.
It's always this way; It never rains but it pours. I won't discuss the other thing that's happening, because at this point it's nothing, really, but it will never be perfect, just head-slap and a groan.