Alienation, loss, insomnia.
I had to come down and write this after lying in bed clenching and unclenching for an hour.
I've posted before about how I have very vivid dreams which I often remember. Lately this has been more of a curse than a blessing. By day I try to not get caught up in the things I've lost, to stay positive, find a new job, successfully settle my divorce, not loose my house, keep up with teaching, and otherwise not get caught up in depression and or escapist distractions. By night, my subconscious ain't havin' any o' that.
Dreams I've had lately in no particular order:
I'm Superman, but I cant control my vast powers. I destroy everything I touch, crash though places I try to go, and burn people at whom I look. Wracked with hopelessness, guilt, and frustration, I flee to my fortress of solitude and sit with my head in my hands. The walls shake when I fail to choke down a sob.
The band calls me up. Somebody wants the Bureau to be in the background in a TV show, but they want all four of us for some cinematographic-balance-type reason, and could I come back for this one thing. I reluctantly agree. It's real tense the whole time with almost no eye contact. I make a lame joke about Trotsky's pictures vanishing from the USSR's Myspace. There's nervous laughter and then nobody talks after that. We play Life in a Secondary Market then I go outside and smash my beautiful red guitar to pieces.
Flashback! Years ago, Kathy and I attend the wedding of a friend of hers and I run into a couple of people I knew in college. They don't remember me at all, despite the fact that I hung out at one of their houses a ton and the other one dated one of my best friends for some months. Even when I point out specific events and conversations we shared, they don't remember me at all. (This actually happened IRL)
I visit my old job to see the friends there that I miss terribly, and discover that I haven't been replaced as such. They've just spread out my duties among two or three other people and everything's running along just fine. I was in fact completely redundant, and now it's like I was never there. The guy who fired me tries to be all buddy buddy and I try to make conversation without jumping across the couter and strangling him/bashing his head into the tile. I forget how this one ends.
Several variations on this theme: I see an old friend for the first time in years. It's great. We're different now, but we still giv a a damn about eachother's lives, and we have a great time talking like it was just yesterday. I wake up an miss him/her terribly. (I've had this one about 5 times in the past month, with a different person each time)
I go back to the Bureau's rehearsal space to get the last few of my things from there. It's super awkward, lots of smalltalk but nothing said. I break down in tears kneeling on the floor to put something into my duffle bag. I cant stop crying. No one's sure what to do. Somebody starts to say something but then stops, then they retreat to the break room. I'm left alone, wailing uncontrollably.
I'm driving around the highway in my old minivan through some sort of crazy interchange and no matter what ramp I take, I end up back in the interchange. Someone is next to me about half the time, but I'm not quite sure who it is.
Note to self: "OK! I GET IT! MESSAGE RECEIVED! CAN I PLEASE GET SOME SLEEP NOW? THIS IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT GETTING BEAT OVER THE HEAD EACH NIGHT!"
I've posted before about how I have very vivid dreams which I often remember. Lately this has been more of a curse than a blessing. By day I try to not get caught up in the things I've lost, to stay positive, find a new job, successfully settle my divorce, not loose my house, keep up with teaching, and otherwise not get caught up in depression and or escapist distractions. By night, my subconscious ain't havin' any o' that.
Dreams I've had lately in no particular order:
I'm Superman, but I cant control my vast powers. I destroy everything I touch, crash though places I try to go, and burn people at whom I look. Wracked with hopelessness, guilt, and frustration, I flee to my fortress of solitude and sit with my head in my hands. The walls shake when I fail to choke down a sob.
The band calls me up. Somebody wants the Bureau to be in the background in a TV show, but they want all four of us for some cinematographic-balance-type reason, and could I come back for this one thing. I reluctantly agree. It's real tense the whole time with almost no eye contact. I make a lame joke about Trotsky's pictures vanishing from the USSR's Myspace. There's nervous laughter and then nobody talks after that. We play Life in a Secondary Market then I go outside and smash my beautiful red guitar to pieces.
Flashback! Years ago, Kathy and I attend the wedding of a friend of hers and I run into a couple of people I knew in college. They don't remember me at all, despite the fact that I hung out at one of their houses a ton and the other one dated one of my best friends for some months. Even when I point out specific events and conversations we shared, they don't remember me at all. (This actually happened IRL)
I visit my old job to see the friends there that I miss terribly, and discover that I haven't been replaced as such. They've just spread out my duties among two or three other people and everything's running along just fine. I was in fact completely redundant, and now it's like I was never there. The guy who fired me tries to be all buddy buddy and I try to make conversation without jumping across the couter and strangling him/bashing his head into the tile. I forget how this one ends.
Several variations on this theme: I see an old friend for the first time in years. It's great. We're different now, but we still giv a a damn about eachother's lives, and we have a great time talking like it was just yesterday. I wake up an miss him/her terribly. (I've had this one about 5 times in the past month, with a different person each time)
I go back to the Bureau's rehearsal space to get the last few of my things from there. It's super awkward, lots of smalltalk but nothing said. I break down in tears kneeling on the floor to put something into my duffle bag. I cant stop crying. No one's sure what to do. Somebody starts to say something but then stops, then they retreat to the break room. I'm left alone, wailing uncontrollably.
I'm driving around the highway in my old minivan through some sort of crazy interchange and no matter what ramp I take, I end up back in the interchange. Someone is next to me about half the time, but I'm not quite sure who it is.
Note to self: "OK! I GET IT! MESSAGE RECEIVED! CAN I PLEASE GET SOME SLEEP NOW? THIS IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT GETTING BEAT OVER THE HEAD EACH NIGHT!"