home
it seems that i cannot get it right.
i cannot get out of this funk.
my mother and i are making arrangements for me to move back home.
i will be back in AZ.
i do not like the fact that this all happened the way it did.
alex has made it impossible for me to stay.
it's always tense.
it's always so angry.
she thinks i'm a selfish whore who has no self respect.
she has no respect for me
(all this she told me)
so, i'm going to make it simple, and i'm going to go home.
she is mad coz i don't talk to her.
what she doesn't realize is that she monopolizes the conversation.
anytime i try to say something she interrupts.
she attacks me with her thoughts, and her angers.
she doesn't really care what i have to say.
she just needs more reason to be pissed off.
she says i did not even try. i came here and was lazy and didn't try to work or get into school.
heh...well, i can not tell even tell you...
i have a job i start sat. i have had this job since thursday.
i have talked to BOTH schools i had in mind when i got here.
i don't know how she expected me to jump in and get a job ASAP (a deacent job) or just go to school right off the bat.
i don't even have a car. it's hard enough to try to get to a job. how am i expected to get to a job AND school w/out a car.
also i do not have the money to go to school yet.
i don't know why there were so many expectations set on me before we got here.
i don't know what they had thought it was going to be before we moved.
i live in realism.
i do what i can, and i work to get where i want to be.
yes maybe i come off as selfish, but was that not the point? was i not supposed to be here for ME? to be here and do things for myself?
i came here to be selfish. to do what i need to do for myself.
i am not used to having to answer to them for my actions. not used to the judgement.
and there is so much judgement here.
i give you this:
the 1st night i met nate i did fuck up by letting alex leave alone. letting her try to find her way home in a city we don't know.
i wasn't ready to leave. i was drunk, and wasn't ready.
but if things are not on her schedule then it's just not going to work. everything is based around what she wants when she wants it.
unfortunately i am not the kind of person who just lays down and says ok let's do whatever you want. specially when i really just don't want to.
there is no comprimise with her though.
i wanted to stay, not the whole night, but that's what happened b/c she left.
yes she's STILL pissed about it.
there's nothing i can do about it now.
i can not care anymore.
more so...i can not do anything right.
alex insists i continue to fuck up.
she chewed me out last night.
she talked about brian.
she's lucky i have nowhere else to go at this second coz i wanted to hit her.
for her to say i did not really care about him.
i was only looking for his approval!
what the hell is that?!?!?!
i loved him. still love him.
i care still deeply for him.
i stuck with him in stupidity, but in love.
she has no right to say anything about him.
she is a fucking bitch!
there will never be anything i can do to make her happy.
and it is not my intention to try.
i want to leave this place.
how did i fuck up since i've been here?
how?
i don't know what she's all wound up about.
i've done everything i've said i was going to do.
jobs, school, friends....
can anybody explain this to me?
i cannot get out of this funk.
my mother and i are making arrangements for me to move back home.
i will be back in AZ.
i do not like the fact that this all happened the way it did.
alex has made it impossible for me to stay.
it's always tense.
it's always so angry.
she thinks i'm a selfish whore who has no self respect.
she has no respect for me
(all this she told me)
so, i'm going to make it simple, and i'm going to go home.
she is mad coz i don't talk to her.
what she doesn't realize is that she monopolizes the conversation.
anytime i try to say something she interrupts.
she attacks me with her thoughts, and her angers.
she doesn't really care what i have to say.
she just needs more reason to be pissed off.
she says i did not even try. i came here and was lazy and didn't try to work or get into school.
heh...well, i can not tell even tell you...
i have a job i start sat. i have had this job since thursday.
i have talked to BOTH schools i had in mind when i got here.
i don't know how she expected me to jump in and get a job ASAP (a deacent job) or just go to school right off the bat.
i don't even have a car. it's hard enough to try to get to a job. how am i expected to get to a job AND school w/out a car.
also i do not have the money to go to school yet.
i don't know why there were so many expectations set on me before we got here.
i don't know what they had thought it was going to be before we moved.
i live in realism.
i do what i can, and i work to get where i want to be.
yes maybe i come off as selfish, but was that not the point? was i not supposed to be here for ME? to be here and do things for myself?
i came here to be selfish. to do what i need to do for myself.
i am not used to having to answer to them for my actions. not used to the judgement.
and there is so much judgement here.
i give you this:
the 1st night i met nate i did fuck up by letting alex leave alone. letting her try to find her way home in a city we don't know.
i wasn't ready to leave. i was drunk, and wasn't ready.
but if things are not on her schedule then it's just not going to work. everything is based around what she wants when she wants it.
unfortunately i am not the kind of person who just lays down and says ok let's do whatever you want. specially when i really just don't want to.
there is no comprimise with her though.
i wanted to stay, not the whole night, but that's what happened b/c she left.
yes she's STILL pissed about it.
there's nothing i can do about it now.
i can not care anymore.
more so...i can not do anything right.
alex insists i continue to fuck up.
she chewed me out last night.
she talked about brian.
she's lucky i have nowhere else to go at this second coz i wanted to hit her.
for her to say i did not really care about him.
i was only looking for his approval!
what the hell is that?!?!?!
i loved him. still love him.
i care still deeply for him.
i stuck with him in stupidity, but in love.
she has no right to say anything about him.
she is a fucking bitch!
there will never be anything i can do to make her happy.
and it is not my intention to try.
i want to leave this place.
how did i fuck up since i've been here?
how?
i don't know what she's all wound up about.
i've done everything i've said i was going to do.
jobs, school, friends....
can anybody explain this to me?