doubled-edged
Preface: I swear, sometimes I think I'm just disillusion into thinking I can maneuver through the impossible. Like I'm proving to myself that I just don't have the self control necessary endure all the bullshit without acting like a jackass. I just don't have the patience. Which really fucking sucks.
The Good: There is this chick that I met at food lion. She works there. Yadda yadda yadda, I've typed all this shit before. I've gotten to know her a little more this time around. Everything that she's shown me that's good about her is great. Like REALLY FUCKING AWESOME! Like, the kind of awesome that blinds me to all the other shit that makes her typical and common and probably not worth my time, effort, nor desire.
I mean, she's gonna graduate from college in May with two degrees (just like I did). She's a good, hard, and honest worker. She cooks and cleans. She is so sweet, gentle, and seemingly innocent. She's a country girl that seems like the kinda goody goody christiany girl that I desperately want without being christian. And she is so beautiful (in my eye's anyways). The kinda beautiful I could die or kill for. She possess all the great qualities I'd look for in a wife. In my wife, and the love of my life.
The Bad: But god damnit. Why does all that have to be tied to a person that is so distant from me? She claims she wants to be friends. Then she acts likes she's interested in me, but with some indication that she is still afraid of me or is always having second thoughts. Well, what the fuck?! She knows I'm attracted to her...obviously to the point where my desire for her overpowers my ability to be casual. Because all this frustration could be avoided if I was ONLY mildly interested and allowed things to develop SLOWLY! Like REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY! But, I can't. FUCK!
So, it's like I'm doing a little dance, and if I don't dance in the right manner she starts to drift away. It's just so fucking stupid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm drawn to this girl and see all that is good and great in her, I'd have stopped trying a long time ago. FUCK! The shit part about it though, is I get hung up on people. And, when I feel ANY real attraction to them it is intense and absolute for YEARS! SHIT!
I'm to the point where I don't care which way it goes. I'd do anything to have it one of two ways: Either she would feel about me the way I do her, -OR- I feel about her the way she does me. I really don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired longing for some clueless and hopelessly confused chick. I just want it to go one way or the other. I'm tired of feeling like I'm riding the fence. Please release me from this fucking hell!
Edit: 12/05/11 I think I may finally be letting go, but just a little. I got so much other shit going on that I can't handle it all. If she doesn't feel attracted to me, then I guess I need to let it go for now. Tomorrow's another day. Can't say I won't be bitter about it, but I FUCKING hope it's for the best.
The Good: There is this chick that I met at food lion. She works there. Yadda yadda yadda, I've typed all this shit before. I've gotten to know her a little more this time around. Everything that she's shown me that's good about her is great. Like REALLY FUCKING AWESOME! Like, the kind of awesome that blinds me to all the other shit that makes her typical and common and probably not worth my time, effort, nor desire.
I mean, she's gonna graduate from college in May with two degrees (just like I did). She's a good, hard, and honest worker. She cooks and cleans. She is so sweet, gentle, and seemingly innocent. She's a country girl that seems like the kinda goody goody christiany girl that I desperately want without being christian. And she is so beautiful (in my eye's anyways). The kinda beautiful I could die or kill for. She possess all the great qualities I'd look for in a wife. In my wife, and the love of my life.
The Bad: But god damnit. Why does all that have to be tied to a person that is so distant from me? She claims she wants to be friends. Then she acts likes she's interested in me, but with some indication that she is still afraid of me or is always having second thoughts. Well, what the fuck?! She knows I'm attracted to her...obviously to the point where my desire for her overpowers my ability to be casual. Because all this frustration could be avoided if I was ONLY mildly interested and allowed things to develop SLOWLY! Like REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY! But, I can't. FUCK!
So, it's like I'm doing a little dance, and if I don't dance in the right manner she starts to drift away. It's just so fucking stupid. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm drawn to this girl and see all that is good and great in her, I'd have stopped trying a long time ago. FUCK! The shit part about it though, is I get hung up on people. And, when I feel ANY real attraction to them it is intense and absolute for YEARS! SHIT!
I'm to the point where I don't care which way it goes. I'd do anything to have it one of two ways: Either she would feel about me the way I do her, -OR- I feel about her the way she does me. I really don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired longing for some clueless and hopelessly confused chick. I just want it to go one way or the other. I'm tired of feeling like I'm riding the fence. Please release me from this fucking hell!
Edit: 12/05/11 I think I may finally be letting go, but just a little. I got so much other shit going on that I can't handle it all. If she doesn't feel attracted to me, then I guess I need to let it go for now. Tomorrow's another day. Can't say I won't be bitter about it, but I FUCKING hope it's for the best.