You are the Pages in the Book of my Life.
I am not my self that you see or imagine. I don't identify with the things I do. I don't try to say, "I'm this or that . All I know is that I'm a reflection of some (somewhat) unconscious disposition and my circumstances. So in some ways, I don't know who I am. It makes it easier to not lie to myself, I suppose. All I can say is, "I'm me; I do what I do. I am what I'm about."
But, I know what I want. Even if it's not what I need. I know I like to idealize so I don't have to face the sad facts sometimes. I know that I am not who I want to be. I want to be strong, vibrant, and inspiring. Yet, I don't really feel like I'm any of those things...not yet. Maybe one day though.
The strangest thing is that I know I am not what people see or think of me. They are all blind and several layers separate from my true self. I have made it so as much as they have. Because more than anything I have this urge to assimilate characteristics. Not that I do it well, but that I do try both consciously and unconsciously to copy/mimic behaviors/characteristics/patterns. As if to say, "I am not content with my self. I must be sculpted into something more than I am." So, whenever I see someone acting in a certain way that makes me think, " That's awesome! That has potential. I wish I was like that," I burn with desire. And with it comes this urge to connect and reach out to others.
It's just that I feel like from the time I was born all the way up until I became truly self aware...of my real self? I acted subconsciously and without discipline. Many of the fundamental characteristics of my being were just cause . They were habits that were picked up because it was easiest to be that way . Which is stupid in my opinion. I do not want to be another person that is simply a victim of their circumstances. As if to say, "I am this way because such and such happened when I was a kid" -or- "Because I was never taught how to such and such." It's all bullshit. I am what I am because of how my environment affected me being AND because of how I reacted to my environment. But, I am who I am because of my DNA (mostly) and because I took an active role in developing my personality.
So, there are some fundamental aspects of my self that I recognize as being me. The primary one is that am a vessel for change. It drives me. It is my passion. I burn for the chance to grow and expand and build my being in all it's forms: Physically and logically & emotionally. This is the me that nobody sees. Their eyes are far too short-sided and dim to see past my superficial personality. They can't see my urge to soar high and push boundaries; to see and become something new, wondrous, and amazing. I want it all.
But, they...you...don't see the explorer deep within. I feel left alone with no true sense of companionship. I feel distant and isolated. Like the more I reach out to others the more alienated I become. My intentions are misunderstood; my efforts go unnoticed.
Maybe this is just the way of things. The road behind is always easier to comprehend than the road ahead. Perhaps, in all of this, I am not any different than anyone else. Maybe I just choose to acknowledge these facets of being human as such because I am fairly aware. If knowledge was like words on a page in a book, then perception is akin to reading glasses. And, my glasses get very clear/clean from time to time...
..
But, I know what I want. Even if it's not what I need. I know I like to idealize so I don't have to face the sad facts sometimes. I know that I am not who I want to be. I want to be strong, vibrant, and inspiring. Yet, I don't really feel like I'm any of those things...not yet. Maybe one day though.
The strangest thing is that I know I am not what people see or think of me. They are all blind and several layers separate from my true self. I have made it so as much as they have. Because more than anything I have this urge to assimilate characteristics. Not that I do it well, but that I do try both consciously and unconsciously to copy/mimic behaviors/characteristics/patterns. As if to say, "I am not content with my self. I must be sculpted into something more than I am." So, whenever I see someone acting in a certain way that makes me think, " That's awesome! That has potential. I wish I was like that," I burn with desire. And with it comes this urge to connect and reach out to others.
It's just that I feel like from the time I was born all the way up until I became truly self aware...of my real self? I acted subconsciously and without discipline. Many of the fundamental characteristics of my being were just cause . They were habits that were picked up because it was easiest to be that way . Which is stupid in my opinion. I do not want to be another person that is simply a victim of their circumstances. As if to say, "I am this way because such and such happened when I was a kid" -or- "Because I was never taught how to such and such." It's all bullshit. I am what I am because of how my environment affected me being AND because of how I reacted to my environment. But, I am who I am because of my DNA (mostly) and because I took an active role in developing my personality.
So, there are some fundamental aspects of my self that I recognize as being me. The primary one is that am a vessel for change. It drives me. It is my passion. I burn for the chance to grow and expand and build my being in all it's forms: Physically and logically & emotionally. This is the me that nobody sees. Their eyes are far too short-sided and dim to see past my superficial personality. They can't see my urge to soar high and push boundaries; to see and become something new, wondrous, and amazing. I want it all.
But, they...you...don't see the explorer deep within. I feel left alone with no true sense of companionship. I feel distant and isolated. Like the more I reach out to others the more alienated I become. My intentions are misunderstood; my efforts go unnoticed.
Maybe this is just the way of things. The road behind is always easier to comprehend than the road ahead. Perhaps, in all of this, I am not any different than anyone else. Maybe I just choose to acknowledge these facets of being human as such because I am fairly aware. If knowledge was like words on a page in a book, then perception is akin to reading glasses. And, my glasses get very clear/clean from time to time...
..