mislead...into thinking everything's ok.
So, I finally got it out of Kasey how her feelings have changed. She said she just wanted to be friends. O rly? When I asked why she said it was because: she thinks I like her more than she likes me. Ok fair enough. But, if that's the case, then why did she seen me all the pictures and text messages? Why did she bitch to me about work related problems? Why did she often times send me a text when she woke up? Why did I have to pry it out of her instead of her just telling me?
She doesn't know what she wants. I get that. She's 5yrs younger than me. I get that. She's a 20yr old child...SHIT!
God damnit I mean, I KNOW I came off really strong! And for that I am really sorry. There is this thing inside me that drives me to passion when I find someone that I'm attracted to. It defies the logic in my brain and is extremely powerful and feels like all I can do is hang on while my heart goes on this extended rampage through my soul. I fucking hate it and wish I could kill it! Several times with Diana and this girl I've sensed that I might push them away if I stayed so emotionally charged. Yet, there was NOTHING that worked to kill/calm the sensation. I'm fucking tired of this bullshit. I suppose it's some repressed bullshit from my past or the fact that I shyed away from girls in high school and now my heart is under developed and all welled up from the lack of emotional/sexual release. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND IT'S RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE...to a point. I mean, I'm a man. I'm suppose to be in control of my mind and body, not simply allow it to rampage across the landscape and fuck things up for me.
I mean, deep down I guess I knew things with Kasey would never pan out. I mean, in a lot of ways she's way too simple and childish. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's smart and kind. But, girls like her are 'nice' just so they don't have to be honest and deal with being brutal. Which totally makes them cowards and actually causes more pain in the end. I mean, if she had told me to back off weeks ago because it was too much then I would have tried REALLY FUCKING HARD. But, I suppose that would be the mature and courageous thing to do.
So, what happened? Like with D, she simply changed her mind and didn't tell me. She just became somewhat evasive but not completely. She didn't have any qualms about giving mixed signals and dragging my heart down a confused bumpy road. Oh, she didn't mean to lead me on and cause a lot of unnecessary pain? Drunk drivers don't mean to kill people and ruin family's lives, but it doesn't change what happens. I'm so tired of weak childish women that can't handle a man's heavy heart. It's just so fucking hard for me to keep my walls up when for the last 7yrs I've been breaking them down so I didn't end up like Kasey or my father. Repressed emotions will totally come back to bite people in the ass, and it's a terrible way to live...with all that baggage.
So, wtf, do I do? I mean, I don't even care about relationships. I am a dude after all. But that being stated, when I FINALLY find someone I like...which at this rate the next one should come along when I'm about 27 or 28. FUCK! When they do come along my heart will probably do the same goddamned thing and go to pieces and spew out a bunch of emotional shit that will be taken the wrong way and only get in the way of things. This is bullshit. Did I set myself up for this?
Well, I can at least see what kinda person I need in my life if I'ma have a successful relationship. I need a woman, heh not a child (good luck. Womenkind may be more developed emotionally then men at the same age, but that doesn't make them more emotional stable or able to properly deal with someone else's heart), with a strong-willed stable persona (much like a mother) that can handle my heart without allowing it to overwhelm her...all the while being about my age and having no kids (no premade family). Well shit, where the hell am I suppose to find that? I bet there's only like 50 woman in the whole world that fit that criteria. And, why would they want me? I'm just some dude working at food lion. FUCK!
She doesn't know what she wants. I get that. She's 5yrs younger than me. I get that. She's a 20yr old child...SHIT!
God damnit I mean, I KNOW I came off really strong! And for that I am really sorry. There is this thing inside me that drives me to passion when I find someone that I'm attracted to. It defies the logic in my brain and is extremely powerful and feels like all I can do is hang on while my heart goes on this extended rampage through my soul. I fucking hate it and wish I could kill it! Several times with Diana and this girl I've sensed that I might push them away if I stayed so emotionally charged. Yet, there was NOTHING that worked to kill/calm the sensation. I'm fucking tired of this bullshit. I suppose it's some repressed bullshit from my past or the fact that I shyed away from girls in high school and now my heart is under developed and all welled up from the lack of emotional/sexual release. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND IT'S RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE...to a point. I mean, I'm a man. I'm suppose to be in control of my mind and body, not simply allow it to rampage across the landscape and fuck things up for me.
I mean, deep down I guess I knew things with Kasey would never pan out. I mean, in a lot of ways she's way too simple and childish. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's smart and kind. But, girls like her are 'nice' just so they don't have to be honest and deal with being brutal. Which totally makes them cowards and actually causes more pain in the end. I mean, if she had told me to back off weeks ago because it was too much then I would have tried REALLY FUCKING HARD. But, I suppose that would be the mature and courageous thing to do.
So, what happened? Like with D, she simply changed her mind and didn't tell me. She just became somewhat evasive but not completely. She didn't have any qualms about giving mixed signals and dragging my heart down a confused bumpy road. Oh, she didn't mean to lead me on and cause a lot of unnecessary pain? Drunk drivers don't mean to kill people and ruin family's lives, but it doesn't change what happens. I'm so tired of weak childish women that can't handle a man's heavy heart. It's just so fucking hard for me to keep my walls up when for the last 7yrs I've been breaking them down so I didn't end up like Kasey or my father. Repressed emotions will totally come back to bite people in the ass, and it's a terrible way to live...with all that baggage.
So, wtf, do I do? I mean, I don't even care about relationships. I am a dude after all. But that being stated, when I FINALLY find someone I like...which at this rate the next one should come along when I'm about 27 or 28. FUCK! When they do come along my heart will probably do the same goddamned thing and go to pieces and spew out a bunch of emotional shit that will be taken the wrong way and only get in the way of things. This is bullshit. Did I set myself up for this?
Well, I can at least see what kinda person I need in my life if I'ma have a successful relationship. I need a woman, heh not a child (good luck. Womenkind may be more developed emotionally then men at the same age, but that doesn't make them more emotional stable or able to properly deal with someone else's heart), with a strong-willed stable persona (much like a mother) that can handle my heart without allowing it to overwhelm her...all the while being about my age and having no kids (no premade family). Well shit, where the hell am I suppose to find that? I bet there's only like 50 woman in the whole world that fit that criteria. And, why would they want me? I'm just some dude working at food lion. FUCK!